The Contingency Plan

2009-04-25T18:32:00.004+10:00

The lack of frequency between recent posts makes it hard to connect stories when I go to write another. I can't seem to find the string. I know it's my own fault.

So it's 6.30pm on a Saturday night and Wolf and I are cuddled up on our couch. We've been here all day, breaking up time with meals and drinks and all of the other necessities. I would normally say the light's been wasted, but we've shared a blanket, many cute little kisses and some serious conversations on everything from transformers to hair (he thinks I should wear mine straight instead of freeing my natural curls). He's drawn in his diary while I've scribbled in mine, I've taught him how to form the number five... and all of this seems so comfortably golden. Why would we want to do anything else?

And yet I feel guilty. I'm struggling with housework motivation. I literally have around 10 loads of laundry to clean and the house is messy. I know it wouldn't take long if I got into the zone, but that's the thing, I'd rather think.

I've been entertaining my mind with the most enjoyable things lately (well, at least enjoyable to me)... like reading about Japanese cell phone novels, bidding on vintage bow ties (feel like dressing like a man), searching for antique bird cages I want to fill with vines and beautifully bursting flowers and then there's music... it sounds so much better with good headphones on.

There's a lot I can and want to write about... soon. Like the fact that I had my first Family Court session on Wednesday after Luc made efforts to bypass my wishes concerning Wolf living here in Sydney... And a recent desire I have to create something instead of always PRing something. And the way I seem to have a twitter-esque expiry time for dates - 140 hours or less. Thanks.

But I don't want to delve into all of that for now. No. I should delve into my other dirty laundry - the literal kind. Once I've checked how my bids are going. And have finished reading that article.

i met a stunning man recently.

2009-01-21T00:20:00.006+11:00

it was the night of my work christmas party and i was in the mood for some fun. lord knows a girl needs some every now and then.

perhaps "fun" involved dancing quite controversially with a man everyone in the office thought was gay, kissing a popular tv presenter, convincing a bar owner to open his venue for our after-party and using my masquerade mask (yes, the party was themed) to channel the dominatrix within... regardless of this, i met this stunning man and i don't know how quite to sum up our experiences since.

we made eye contact. the stunning man (let's just call him TSM from now on) blatantly approached me at the bar and introduced himself. he later admitted he had a "steely determination" to meet me that night and asked a mutual friend about me before we spoke.

and we spoke for quite some time, bonded by a mutual affection for people watching (ok. mocking), a very similar sense of humour and some truly delicious kisses. he said he would text me in the morning for my email address and bang on 9.15am i received the message. twenty minutes later i had an email in my inbox.

and despite getting horrendously retrenched the day after we met (yes, just before christmas), he asked me out the following day. that night we visited two bars and a christmas party. the amount of laughter generated between us was ridiculous. we walked around the city for hours talking and shared a late night burger. we held hands (something i've never let a man do comfortably since luc). we watched a movie and discovered all of these random, quirky things in common (like a penchant for buying moleskin diaries but never using them; a preference for the exact same thing to eat for breakfast - scrambled/poached eggs, turkish toast, mushrooms and hash browns; being coerced by friends and resisting to watch the same two movies; and a massive addiction to chili). he wears nerdy glasses. his look is borderline rock with professor thrown in for good measure. he has a fascination with air crashes. he works in the film industry and is extremely creative. he is just my type.

so we had another date a few days later. the chemistry was amazing. a random person stopped us in public to tell us how in love we looked (which was a bit embarrassing)...

and then he left to visit family interstate. we kept in touch through long phone calls, emails and text messages. and then on new years eve i stupidly mentioned the possibly of being set up (the thought was planted by a very over-analytical friend who examined a group email) and he went silent. and to cut a VERY long conversation short - we became 'friends'. oh and i wasn't being set up. the guy, who my friend thought i was being set up actually has a girlfriend and we had to talk him out of being too cliche and proposing that night. yay.

anyway, i really hate to make TSM sound flaky because he's not. i guess i've failed to mention the guy is working through some very serious issues. and it's not the "i'm not ready for a relationship" kinda stuff, it's real life and heavy and something i don't really know about. i'm not even sure if he should be dating so i simply cannot get upset at him for any of this. the timing is very unfortunate.

anyway. the TSM has had some bad luck lately and after an amazing job offer and rediscovering incredible family support, he impulsively decided to move to melbourne. i really tried to be disappointed, but simply couldn't see what sydney has to offer him right now (besides one mid-week night a week with me - it's the only time i have free). the job was a dream job. he quickly found a great apartment. all the pieces seamlessly fell into place. i knew it was the right thing for him to do.

so we met last weekend to catch up. it was the first time i've seen him in about a month. we stayed in touch as 'friends' and although he was manically busy, he asked if i could drop by at 8am so we could have a few hours before he had to leave for the airport.

i nervously arrived at his place on time. we shared a looong hug and one of those confusing borderline kisses that falls half way across your lips. he had just showered and was waiting for carpet cleaners to arrive so we threw his mattress out of his second story shoebox onto the pavement below and collected up a few bits and pieces together. the steam cleaners arrived shortly afterward so we met them outside and while chatting to neighbours, the driver of the van hit TSM and knocked him over! he has a persistent back problem due to a past injury so he freaked out a little and i just didn't know what to do. the driver scolded me for not looking out for my boyfriend. neither TSM or i corrected him (it didn't seem appropriate), so instead, i berated the man for not paying attention.

TSM was ok so we went out for coffee. when we went back to his place, i gave him a back massage and a couple more loooong hugs, just to punish myself. he started to rest into my neck. i could feel his breath on my chest.

he needed to clean but i was concerned he shouldn't so i found myself cleaning his apartment - wiping down his walls, cleaning his kitchen and bathroom and wondering what the hell i was doing. he told me i looked incredibly sexy. i flatly claimed it was all intentional.

he had to sell his push bike and due to stress, accidentally sold it to a buyer, forgetting that he had made an earlier deal with someone else. he didn't have the first buyer's number and the guy was due over to make the exchange in 30 minutes. he felt extremely bad. i said he should use me to help the situation. the guy luckily called so we called him back. while the phone was ringing i suddenly asked who i should say i was (sister, friend, etc.) and TSM said, "say you're my girlfriend", so I found myself uttering those words and charming my way out of the situation to the point that the guy was laughing and joking with me at the end of the conversation. TSM said he enjoyed hearing me.

so we start having these deep conversations about life. i was cleaning his kitchen and found myself telling him about luc. he came up behind me afterward and held me. i turned around and he held me again and apologised. he said that although he knew he shouldn't, he really wanted to kiss me. i said that i understood. he turned to select a song on his laptop and stated i should've said that he could. i stayed silent but moments later found myself pulling him into me by his shirt.

we shared the most perfect kiss for whole the duration of the song. and then some. he sat down afterwards. he was dizzy and said he wasn't sure if it was because he was hit by a van earlier or because the kiss was so amazing.

we were in couple-mode for the next two hours or so. there was lots of affection, many intense kisses and a few moments when things could have become intimate, but i didn't let it happen.

after we had finished cleaning, we sat down on a dry piece of carpet. i gave him another massage. he rested his head on my lap and i gently massaged his face, stroked his hair, kissed his eye lids. there were great moments of silence. inbetwwen them, he played me all of his favourite songs and explained why they are important to him.

and then ten mintues before he had to leave, we spoke about "us" again. he likes me. wished he had more time to spend with me. deeply respects me, said that i 'got' him and vice versa, which is rare. there's an obvious and intense attraction between us. put us in a room together and he knows something will happen. when he sees me, he wants to do things he shouldn't think about as a friend. but he claimed things couldn't go anywhere. he was still depressed. he still had a lot to work through. it wasn't just about the move. he desperately wants us to be friends. he knew that we could do it. i stayed silent. said that i think that i like him. he kept insisting we'd be in contact.

shortly after i arrived back home, i received a text message from him, thanking me for everything. i replied and true to my expectation, haven't heard back since.

i don't quite know what to do with TSM. to combat the blues i've been trying to "live in the moment" and as corny as it sounds, it's really helped. and besides, my days are so intense. the only time i have to myself is late at night, when i really should be sleeping.

nevertheless, there's something about this man that captivates me. so, i've decided to write him letters. hand written ones. i have his new address and there's just something a little old school, unexpected and perhaps romantic that has wooed me to the idea. I don't plan to do it often, perhaps once a month...

i'm not sure when i'll send the first one. i'm thinking early next week.

Just for Bente

2009-01-20T23:34:00.004+11:00

One of my favourite things to do each evening, is to take off my shoes and venture into the garden. There's something magical about feeling the earth under my feet and between my toes - warm, fresh and alive. I know it sounds horribly literal, but I feel like it keeps me grounded. It reminds me that no matter what I've dealt with during the day, the universe is so much bigger than all of my stress.

Nearly all of my friends and family were shocked when I first started gardening. I took two weeks off work in November (first break of 2008, such a mistake to leave it so long) and there was something quite cathartic about all of that physical activity. I dug deep into each vegetable patch, sifted out the rocks and weeds, mixed in compost and plant food, plotted out where all the seedlings would go and then planted them in. It was hard work. And did most of it in a bikini so I got a tan to boot!

I initially created the garden for Hugo. He still doesn't like eating any green vegetables and I wanted him to learn that food doesn't just come from the supermarket - we can actually grow it too.

And although Hugo still doesn't eat green, selfishly doesn't like weeding and none of my vegetables have appeared yet (I guess it's only been two months), I can't tell you how good it feels to pick the lettuce, rocket, spinach and herbs I need for salads and for cooking. The favours are more intense, I waste less and as a result, spend less time cleaning forgotten, soggy bits of green out of my fridge.

I feel really lucky to have the space to have this garden.

I forgot

2009-01-19T23:24:00.004+11:00

It's 11.30pm. The deadlines of work surround me, but I became distracted with a personal project that lead me to this blog. That was two hours ago.

I forgot how much I invested here - from random observations to the break up of my relationship with Luc. It's amazing to have it all here in the one spot. There were times when I felt like I was reading the life of someone else, especially when reading about my daily life with Luc.

My days are so different now. I feel like a different person.

Hugo is asleep. He goes to preschool three days a week and spends two days with my mother. They have a mutual adoration of each other. Despite my desire for banter, he prefers to have 'quiet time' at the end of each working day. He sits there in his car booster seat, looking out the window and I call my mother or a friend. He was extremely shy at school but has come out of his shell this year. He now has a regular gang of friends at kindy. I was pleasantly shocked when he was recently called a chatterbox by one of his teachers. He hates to perform. He's affectionate and very protective of me. He likes to call me 'my sweet little girl' when we're at home, which kills me. I don't know where he got it from. And don't care. I adore it. He's more than half my height. He looks exactly like his dad.

My family have banded him around since Luc left. Our official line is Luc went on holiday but we're not going anywhere. It seems to have worked well so far. Luc has called once in the two months since he's left. He didn't leave a number and I didn't ask. Hugo didn't want to speak to him when he called. I'm conscious of positive male role models so my brother, my dad and my brother-in-law (and his three sons) spend a lot of time with him. I love seeing the boys together.

We still live in the same house. We have two vegetable patches and grow basil, Italian parsley, oregano, sage, rosemary, coriander, garlic, thai basil, lemon grass, pak choy, rocket, english spinach, spinach, eggplant, cucumber, carrots, capsicum, tomatoes (roma and big red), chillis, zucchini, blueberries, passionfruit and strawberries. I adore this place. Our space is starting to look stylish and more authentically us.

So... I'm wearing headphones in my home office, listening to music that keeps me 'motivated' while I try to pressure myself into doing more work. Despite my clean house, there's a pile of dishes in my sink from having friends here earlier for dinner. I made marinated lamb cutlets and mashed potatoes.

I feel exhausted but content. I think I might leave everything and just go to bed.

Over the last month, I have, in random order:

2008-11-24T22:53:00.005+11:00

* Watched my younger sister fall in love for the first time
* Witnessed the break down of Luc's relationship
* Seen Luc loose access to his second son (she left to go on holiday to her homeland of London with their son and once there, broke up with him)
* Received the news that Luc is leaving the country, indefinitely, to heal, and found myself extremely grateful that I negotiated for Hugo to stay with me
* Allowed Luc to stay at my place (his lease had run out) so our son could have more time with him before he left
*Accepted an apology from Luc for all the pain he has caused me
* Found myself utterly heart broken again
* Saw one of my best friends, Penelope, get married in Byron Bay
* Cursed single living and its downside of being struck down for four days with a horrid fever, vomiting and tonsillitis, unable to get up, eat, talk or go through a day without sweating through clothing and sheets
* Stopped casually smoking (mainly as a result of the above)
* Received a promotion at work and my own division of the company
* Started two thriving garden patches - one with herbs and lettuce and another with fruits and vegetables and discovered a love for gardening
* Contently maintained my disposition on dating and subsequently ended my casual arrangement with Jack
* Lost another three kilograms
* Endured the pain of laser treatment to avoid ingrown hairs (I'm now a major fan)
* Met a group of international superstars
* Found myself at a loss

2008-10-18T21:47:00.004+11:00

Perhaps not so coincidentally, my desire to date has waned with the realisation that I'm contently happy with my life. And I'm sincere when I write this. I feel like I have almost everything I need in my life for now. I know this may change, but it's a first since my separation with Luc so I feel good about it. I desperately wanted to replace him and feel relief that it's no longer the case. Nights aren't as hard as they used to be. Alone time doesn't feel as lonely. I can breathe.

Nevertheless, being single has made me sense the absence of touch in our society. I'd hardly get any hugs if I didn't have Wolf!

I met up with Jack about a month ago, and although I have to write about our encounter, he did say something I couldn't argue with, and it's that we can't underestimate the effect of someone else's touch and skin against our own.

I realised this recently when I went for a massage. Instead of booking into a ridiculously priced day spa, I walked into one of those Asian establishments whose walls are filled with diagrams of body parts and accupuncture points, where they serve green tea and wear long white coats for an air of officialness. My place of choice is within a shopping centre that has been nicely decked out, even with the beige wearing pretentious folk who use basic English and speak very. very. slowly. and. clearly. to. those. giving. them. the. massage. unaware that the young men are bilingual and studying degrees in IT, law or medicine.

I digress.

I was lying face down on the massage table and felt embarrassed and a little sad when I realised that the man touching me was the first to do so in some time. And I don't mean it sexually, as it wasn't that kind of a massage, but just in general.

Ok. So I will pre-emptively admit one thing - since our catch up (which certainly came after that massage), Jack and I have entered into some kind of ambigious arrangement where we have a physically connection. I would describe it as occassional sex (in the rare instance that we're both available and in the mood) but he disagrees as he claims he can't just have sex with me due to our "connection" (please note my cynicism). I don't want to date so I don't dedicate a lot of my time to the whole thing.

And due to our history (I unfortunately cannot deny that we have a connection), there are times when we talk about work and books and stuff, but other times when the man contacts me with random things that he wants me to do to him. And our correspondence has made me wonder whether the age old stereotype of the man wanting sex and the woman wanting to be touched isn't that much of a myth after all.

Jack teaches courses in negotiations and so I've been trying to figure out what I really want. I certainly have things to trade, but as I'm writing this I'm thinking of three very simple yet truly intimate things like a massage, touches and kisses and to be held while I sleep. I wish my requests were more debauchted as I'd feel more comfortable requesting them. I'm not sure whether I will ask him for these things though as life is so good and getting my wish could rock my boat a little too much.

Yes. Life is really good, but there are time when a girl just wants to be touched.

2008-10-12T12:14:00.004+11:00

It's taken me over a year and a half to feel genuine positivity about my life since separating with Luc. And now that I've gained this perspective, I'm really protective of it.

I like my life. I naturally adore time with my son, who turns four next month (!!). I love being his Mum. I enjoy my job, my clients and the people that I work with. I like my little house. I have an amazing network of friends and family and all of the drama that dominated my family life when my parents separated has waned. My brother and sister are dating really great people and it makes me so happy to see it. We have big family get togethers again and they're warm, fun and no one ever really wants to go.

So in amongst all of this, Luc's girlfriend sent me a text message:

"I have the content of the conversation that you and Luc had last Wednesday where you speculated upon the parentage of my child. I have spoken to L about it and have forwarded the message onto his mother. Please never contact me again and you are no longer welcome in my home. K"

I was pretty shocked when I received this message. Although I can see how she could be offended, the reference was actually a dig I made at Luc because he asked me the same thing when I was pregnant. But of course she wouldn't know this without asking me.

K and I have been on pretty good terms lately so I'm pretty bummed that it's come to this, but with that said, I've only been to her place a handful of times to pick up Wolf. I certainly don't linger.

I realise my role is the scapegoat but despite this there are surely larger issues at hand. Why is she snooping through his computer? The main focus on the conversation she mentioned was Luc complaining to me that he's unhappy, didn't want to have the child, thought it was a one-sided decision, isn't excited, thinks it's been a big mistake, didn't plan to have a baby with anyone but me and doesn't know what to do. That would've been a horrendous thing to read within two weeks of your baby being born (especially with all of those hormones!).

Besides the joke mentioned, my response to his outburst is that he needs to pull it together as he now has two sons who equally need him. And that I'm happy to spend extra time with Wolf so he can adjust and help K out, as she apparently experienced a horrendous birth.

Anyway, I have responded and was thankfully with five close girlfriends at the time so we discussed the situation and possible consequences in depth.

I avoided any digs about how justified would have been in making such a statement, especially since she was married and cheated on her husband with my partner. And I didn't make any mention some of the bigger issues she has at hand like the overseas offer he made to me the day after that conversation. I really have no intention of being involved in the possible break up their relationship.

So instead I wrote this:

"It was a personal joke taken out of context... I am sorry if this was hurtful but it was unintended. Please understand that my sole priority and interest is the well being of hugo, so that is the last i will say on the matter. What you think and do is a matter entirely for you."

She hasn't responded.

Nevertheless, Luc did a few days later saying that she unfortunately found what she was looking for and that his mother didn't appreciate the message as she thinks very highly of me. He said it was unfortunate that she found the conversation as it wouldn't have been a pleasant thing to read, but it was a conversation never meant for her eyes.

I since haven't asked any questions about his relationship with K because I sincerely have no interest in it. It's none of my business. And although I have no desire to get back together with him, I'm thankful that I now have a great excuse to avoid meeting his other child.

Above all of this, I'm really thankful that I can just leave all of that drama and happily carry on with the little life that I have.

yeah but no but yeah but no

2008-10-11T22:20:00.001+11:00

i find myself battling with the notion of marriage lately.

in one corner sits the idealistic and romantic kazumi. the one who wants to stand in front of her loved ones and profess a deep commitment to one above all others. and have him vow to the same. she dreams of that (almost) smug security, of all the plans that can be made. she wants someone to stand next to her and be a witness to her life - in all of its raw fullness. and she's a damn sucker for a great party, especially one that she's responsible for. she wants the warm celebration, the pictures, the music, that divine dress and all that style. she wants to toast. and she wants to surround herself in that glow and pass it all onto her children.

yet other corner bears a kazumi that is a creation of her experiences. the one that knows nothing in this world lasts forever and that promises are often broken. that you can never guarantee you'll love another for a lifetime and vice versa. you can only speak for today. she wonders whether that promise breeds complacency and utterly unrealistic expectations. she knows the statistics. she kinda believes weddings have become another form of mass consumerism. she's been frightened by the expos and magazines. and don't get her started on the way marriage seems to frame relationships in terms of "success" and "failure", which seems to strip any value and growth from the experience.

i realise this situation is so far removed from my every day life yet i still think about it because i want to form an opinion. i'm not sure if i'm any closer to cementing anything. the farthest i get is the notion that i'm ok with marriage as long as the promises are formed around a commitment to try and work things out when they get tough and not 'til death do us part.

any thoughts??

Are my pants on fire?

2008-10-07T01:27:00.002+11:00

At times I wonder if I'm lying when I say that Luc and I have an "amicable" relationship.

On the surface, the statement rings true. It's been months and months since our last nasty exchange. We're in touch at least a few times a week, usually over messenger, our conversations vary from discussing Wolf to music to the day's events and are generally pretty pleasant. I think we're quite considerate of each other. I happily shift our schedule if he needs time. He recently picked Wolf and me up when I left my car at work (client event), drove me into the office and took Wolf to kindy before driving back into the city to start his day. He still asks me for career advice and I still get him to fix any IT woe I have.

Despite this, he has become a father again and failed to tell me about the birth of his new baby (boy). I found out over a week after the birth (in true form via messenger) and we shared a pretty distressing conversation. He claimed unhappiness. Said he felt the decision was a one-sided one, that he didn't want greater responsibilities, another child. He felt it was all an incredible mistake. He expressed disappointment over the whole experience - it wasn't the same as when we had Hugo and he feels uncomfortable talking about it with me as he didn't want to have a child with anyone but me.

The next day I checked in to see if things had improved. They hadn't. And he asked me to move overseas with him. Again.

Fast forward another week and he offered to pay for my accommodation for a year if I move with him (we'd return here in time for Wolf to start school). He then added that if K is the only thing holding me back, then she doesn't need to come with us...

Luc came over last Wednesday night to drop Hugo off. The three of us shared a mixed mushroom risotto I had made for dinner and strawberries afterwards for dessert. Luc and I had a glass of wine. Hugo ate everything without contest. Luc played with our son and put on a show for him while I did the dishes. We then briefly spoke about the issue. Hugo called us onto the lounge and we sat on either side of him. Elated, he made a comment about how great it was that we were all together and would cuddle me and then with his dad, happily shifting between us because he could.

I firmly said that I wouldn't move with him and had no intention of breaking up of a family home and although he tried to pursuade me otherwise, Luc didn't push the point. We both changed Wolf into his pyjamas. I took our little boy to bed and Luc lingered, wandering around the house before reading a magazine.

Weary from the day, I stayed in bed and Luc left after closing the windows, turning off the lights and softly saying goodbye.

2008-10-05T23:22:00.005+11:00

I'm listening to Jeff Buckley's "Everybody here wants you" and am trying to write structured and articulate sentences, but the song and his voice are unraveling me...

I entered this October long weekend quite uncertain. Wolf was scheduled to stay with Luc (it's his turn this weekend) and a bestie that I usually hang with during my "single" time was flying to Melbourne to see about a boy.

Dance classes were unfortunately not an option. During a GI Jane moment three weeks ago, I lifted a number of heavy gardening pots (full of dirt), shifted them up some stairs and although I did bend with my knees, my back has been strained ever since.

And the last thing usually on my list was definitely not on the cards because as cliche as it sounds, I'm not in the mood. Plus, after a three year distance, I saw Jack again a few weeks ago and he's back on the scene in a capacity I'll need to outline in a different post.

So with all of this in mind, I had planned to hit the beach, equipped with a book, an iPod and the strong desire for an awesome tan. I need to unwind and have felt quite ungrounded recently, but the weather has been totally shite.

But it's not all bad news because abandoning my usual options has forced me discover a range of new ones - ones that I cannot believe I've forgot or neglected like:

Brunch with the company of a newspaper
Hitting the markets with Ivy for vintage homewares
Designing artworks that I plan to paint for Wolf's wall
Helping my girlfriend unpack her newly arrived stock, trying half of it on in the process and scoring a shameful amount of freebies (four dresses, two tops, a pair of pants and two pairs of sandals)
Playing dress ups and thinking of creative combinations that will keep me going for at least a few of weeks at work
A delicious wine bar in the afternoon
Daydreaming about a secret crush, who I hear has grown a moustache
Choreographing a cheeky strip tease
Reading, reading, reading
De-cluttering my storage area and throwing stuff out

And there's still a day to go!

2008-08-25T22:53:00.002+10:00

i've been meaning to write a post on each of these subjects but have honestly lacked the dedication and concentration lately... and the topics range from:

* dealing with the custody arrangement luc has arranged regarding young wolf. it involves alternating weekends and splitting the week in half. i don't like the fact that i don't see him for up to 4-5 days at a time but have promised to try it for a few weeks to see how we go.

* how difficult luc has been to deal with lately. he picks on every. little. thing. i. say, disregarding anything i suggest to only 'create' the same suggestion days later. so i've totally limited our conversations for my sanity's sake. i'm getting better at brushing off his words. and this feels good.

* how his girlfriend is due at the end of september. and how i recently can't seem to deal with being around happy young families.

* about the frightfully fun period of younger men i seem to be going through. with experiences ranging from dates of full intriguing conversation, to delicious kisses, to the best sex i've ever had. there have been four of them within the last few months and their ages range from a shameful 21 to 25. and the best thing about it all is that i don't court the attention - they're the ones chasing me.

* about the control i'm trying to loose when it comes to my love life (following quite an interesting article i have at work, which i'll link to once i'm back there) and the control i'm gaining in my professional life... and how the balance seems to be working a treat.

* and how i'm really close to my ideal weight. this means i've coming close to a loss of 30kgs, which i'm incredibly proud of. i feel pretty good.

from one to ten

2008-08-02T18:01:00.001+10:00

Lists are such telling creations that say so much about our times - don't indulge me with the details, just the juicy bits please. And fast.

I have pages of empty ones that I plan to fill... what to wear this week. What to cook. Top five ways to spend my weekend. Seven things I overheard at work today. Ten things in my house that I hide before company arrives.

Frivolous lists abound and I use them as fodder for emails or conversations, often to the delight of my friends.

However, the serious ones are too telling because what I really want is:

More oxygen
Endless recognition
To fall and have my faith restored

And I long to be held above all and the fact that this is so cliche devours any originality I thought was possible within me.

2008-07-21T13:10:00.000+10:00

I understand the recklessness of men sometimes. The sudden spasms of time when they get ruthlessly wasted, abuse alcohol, loose sleep, lust, brawl over the use of a public phone, draft imaginary letters to lost lovers in their head and resolve to remove any trace of romanticism from their being.

And sometimes I'm so envious of it.

writing from an old laptop, brought back from the dead

2008-07-20T19:29:00.004+10:00

It’s almost cruel to find this machine after a two year absence. To discover old pictures, letters, wedding plans, invitation lists, written routines of a baby, and proof of life together – remnants of myself I’d banished to deeper spaces.

I’m still in shock at how fat I was. I mentioned my 25kg weight loss to someone yesterday and the figure seemed exaggerated. I can see now that it was not.

My son is so tall now. Half my height. And speaks to me like a little man. His expressions are raw and unaffected by his surroundings. We’ve been watching movies of him as a babe. The images reinforce a version of him that has morphed into his present form, which seems so sophisticated now.

I crave more children. I sense them in my cells but as I write here in my house, alone, a cigarette in my mouth as I type, I don’t know when or whether they will come, and for this reason I’m glad that I already have one. I still smoke in halves.

It’s cold outside. I search for a song that can eloquently express my insides yet everything seems too familiar and I’m infatuated by letters from a new man. Funny letters featuring obscure lists, favourite words and new discoveries. We met last week to share gin and a six hour conversation but he’s since disappeared into the stress of a phD and I don’t know whether he will return. He’s online now and I sit, wondering whether I still capture any of his thoughts. And whether we’ll ever kiss.

I check my gmail, hotmail, yahoo, work mail, facebook, myspace and that dating website and nothing has changed.

And it’s time to give him a bath, to read him five stories before bed and to then return here, to work and prepare for a new week.

Inspiration

2008-06-26T21:59:00.001+10:00

Where do you find it these days??

Hugo'h5tsyyg post

2008-06-22T14:56:00.007+10:00

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hmmm...

2008-06-22T13:45:00.003+10:00

Even though the last post was very true to how I was feeling, I'm pleased to report that I've moved on.

Every day at work last week was an 11-12 hour day and the exhaustion affected my emotions. I've had three nights of very solid rest and it's restored calm and clarity.

The situation feels a little ironic. I have Luc on one hand - the man I was with for seven years who horrendously cheated on me and still stupidly entertains the thought of a reunion, and now another ex on the another - a man who represents delicious short term passion and the opportunity for me to possibly be that other woman in his long term relationship (they've been together for at least five years).

But I don't want to resurrect old flames when I'm trying to cleanse myself for new ones. So, I'm proud to say that despite my desire and loneliness, nothing has happened since that night (and nothing happened on "that night" either). No correspondence. No actions. Thoughts have been curbed and I feel really strong.

---

My aunty's over from Asia for two months. She lived with us for a few of years when I was younger but I haven't seen her for eight years. Mum recently bought a house out west after leaving her partner of five years so the two of them live there together for now.

The situation is ideal for the two women. My aunty tends to the garden while mum sits nearby, smoking and providing the entertainment. My aunty cooks and mum invites all their friends and relatives by. They scheme and chat for hours. They're generally opposites of each other in character but there are significant things in common. Both have experienced horrific abuse and both have the most generous hearts I've come across. For instance, in addition to her own four children, my aunty has three adopted girls, now in their teens who she took in from prostitutes who couldn't afford them and were about to sell them to madams at other brothels. I've always seen my mum and aunty happily living together as old women.

Wolf and I went to visit them both yesterday, Natasha trailing shortly behind. We ate soy bean eggs, spicy seaweed salad, marinated meat and tofu and beyond the delicious delights, Hugo is learning Mandarin from his two grandmothers, the sound of which brings me indescribable joy.

My cousin, her husband and two teenaged kids came later and Hugo enjoyed hours of undivided attention from everyone, especially his two grandmothers. Natasha and I watched predictable romantic comedies in another room (we're officially in love with Hugh Grant now), gorged on chocolate and quietly shared love life updates so no one else would hear. The house was full, warm and extremely noisy and it was the first time since my parent's separation seven years ago that I've felt home again.

---

I realise that I share a lot of my sadness, loss and confusion in this blog, but I'm starting to sense a positive rebirth as well. And this comes slowly as I learn to focus less on the things that I've lost and more on the things that I've gained over the past year - from success at work, to Wolf eating more vegetables, to seeing him happy at kindy, to buying a stunning size 2 frock at a designer store (first time in around five years), to moving up to intermediate/advantaged dance classes and seeing the amazing friends that my phone is filled with.

As I was driving home from Mum's house last night with Wolf asleep in his seat, I realised that in spite of any dramas in my life, I feel really happy. Life doesn't fall in pure seasons and happiness and sadness, instead everything is mixed in together and I have to determine what I want to focus on.

And with Wolf sitting on my lap as I write, the decision isn't all that hard.

2008-06-18T21:43:00.004+10:00

My head is over the place lately. Ever since I declared a dating ban, the gods have been testing me, or refining me, either way, I'm challenged. And a total scatterbrain.

I missed dance class tonight because I couldn't find clothes. While searching for shoes I decided to plan my outfit for work tomorrow. By the time I was all sorted, my class had already started. I really needed the energy release. Things are all over the place at home. I'm doing great at work, but invest such long hours and feel empty by the time I leave and still hate my empty house. I'm pushing heavily for a job promotion, which, if it goes ahead at the end of this month, will place me in a director position of sorts at work. I really want this.

So, I'm now sitting at the computer eating dips and crackers. It's delicious stuff, but this is what I eat for dinner when I'm on my own. And canned sardines and occassionally turkish bread too. And chilli. I know it's random, but cooking feels like such a waste of effort. My shopping cart looks like I'm perpetually entertaining!

Luc has totally disappeared since our stupid conversation last week. I told two close girlfriends what had happened, but that was all, so the whole incident has quickly evaporated. Nevertheless it's left me raw. I was upset for days after what he said. I did five dance classes within a three day period. I look great :)

But Luc was overshadowed by someone else last night. He belongs to a short but intense six month relationship I had in around 2003 or 2004. I haven't seen the guy since then but wow, what a shock! We broke up not because our feelings had changed but because he was taken and I didn't want that. He said maybe, hopefully, we'd meet again and could be together when the timing was right.

I didn't expect to see him last night and vice versa. I turned up to the party late and we spent around 30 minutes stunned, looking at each other, candidly admitting how hard yet how good it was to see the other. He asked how he looked (good, better than before). I was thankfully handed two glasses of wine and immediately started smoking. We spent a few hours catching up, neglecting the rest of the party despite jokes from innocent friends that 'something was going on'. Apparently one of my colleagues walked back into the party after handing me alcohol outside and said 'those two definitely know each other. They look like they used to date'.

No, we weren't obvious at all.

Our eye contact was the same as before. The chemistry, still so strong. It took me off guard. I noticed that his leg touched mine as we sat. It wasn't heavy but enough for us both to feel it. And I didn't move away. Neither of us did. The same thing happened when we stood, but with our arms. At times one of us would mention a memory, the other would counter it and then we'd quickly change the subject. I'm surprised at how much he remembers and admits to remembering. When colleagues came out to join us, he told them to go back inside and get a drink. We spent nearly the whole time alone. I hate the way we can so easily talk and how he makes me laugh. He actually asked me what he should do if he was out together with his girlfriend and saw me. I answered that she doesn't know anything, there's no reason for her to, so it should be fine. But the fact that he asked that, in today's context makes me nervous. He said he was shaken to have seen me.

I feel myself at the edge of a dangerous situation. He's still with the same woman. They've bought a house together. I didn't even ask if they were engaged. I don't want to know but suspect they might be.

He left the party four hours after he said that he would. I mentioned also wanting to leave to avoid crazy drunkeness and he immediately told everyone we were going. I gave him a lift home and the ride reminded me of our first kiss. Crazy, delicious and passionate in the back of a cab. I knew, he was thinking the same thing as he sat opposite me as he said, "I can't believe we're here again." We didn't do anything though. He asked the driver to stop at a nearby intersection of his street, kissed me on the cheek and left.

I feel immature and exposed today. How can someone have this effect on me? I'm filled with sadness and desire. I want time to quickly pass so I can try to forget about all of this and bury it within the hectic pace of work and life.

So I keep thinking of the client. The one I mentioned late last month. He called on Sunday night to catch up and invite me to an intimate birthday party he's holding for his birthday next Monday night. He's closing one of his bars and restaurants for the small celebration. His assistant was in touch today for my details.

The ex I saw last night doesn't think I should go out with the client as despite the way we get along, I don't feel that zing. Another friend of mine believes you don't know whether you have the zing until you kiss someone.

I don't know. The only thing I'm certain of, is that I have to stay away from that ex of mine. Both of them.

so yeah...

2008-06-12T20:43:00.002+10:00

Not sure how to properly say this... I think Luc is trying to somehow get back together with me, or at least open that option again.

We were chatting about his baby yesterday and he said that he's still shocked about how things have turned out. He didn't want to have this experience (childbirth) with anyone but me. He's doesn't know why things ended up between us the way that he did. He's made such a mess and doesn't know what to do. He's jumped from one person to the next and hasn't resolved how he feels about me, nothing's changed since we split up last year.

He then asked (again) if I'd be willing to move with him to Europe.

No lie people. No lie.

2008-06-09T16:20:00.005+10:00

Although most of Sydney is cursing this weather, I'm relishing the rain. I've watched more movies, have enjoyed more time with Wolf and eaten more food than I have in months. I'm bored, but very lazy... hence we watch more movies and cook more food. To my surprise Wolf seems to enjoy it too.

So... I find myself living two very different lives. I know I've delved into this before, but it still messes with my mind.

For instance, in the last half of last week, I had a BIG drinking night with my colleagues until the wee hours of the morn, the next night was an MTV party with various media and socialites where I stayed out partying until 3am, pashed a gorgeous but very gay fashion photographer, then Wolf came over the next day at 2pm and I've spent my time since then being a totally domesticated mother. All signs of the the partying extraordinaire that I was have been superficially banished... for now.

Last weekend was the same. I went down to Melbourne with a friend for work and we totally fell in love with the city. There are so many men down there! We gorged on breath-takingly delicious food and were thoroughly entertained by the bars and clubs. I then returned home late Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with Wolf, playing with trucks, drawing pictures, making dinner, giving him a bath and getting him ready for bed, before dropping him at kindy the next day.

This contrast of life isn't just limited to the weekends either. Weekdays are the same, especially the ones where Wolf spends time with Luc. I usually work back those nights as coming home to a totally empty house is strange. The spaces are big, cold and silent, I eat snacks for dinner and smoke cigarettes, sleep is tricky and harder to achieve. I'm reading a lot more than I used to.

There are many moments when I'm thankful for the difference, but there are many when it feels overwhelming. I miss Hugo so much when he's away. My time can feel pointless without him around, especially when I'm in a bar trying to be picked up by a self-engrossed 22 year old. I try to quickly fill the minutes until Wolf is with me again. I realise these things will take time.

On a different note, to my surprise, nearly all thoughts of the beautiful man I previously discussed have subsided and have been replaced with interest towards an industry contact I saw for the first time in around five years during the week. He's older, funny and I find him fascinating. I definitely get the sense he's interested in me. In a matter totally cliche, our eyes kept meeting at random moments during the night. He kept telling others how stunning he thought I looked, how glad he is to see me, how he loves my really short hair (it's seriously short) and how the industry's missed having me around. Or maybe his interest was clear when he wanted us to leave the party and go to another pub together (we didn't, I still had to look after clients), or when I jokingly asked about what kind of woman he hasn't dated (he's dated every kind from strippers to belly dancers to phD students) and he cheekily replied, "a half asian, half irish mother of a three year old boy". Cheeky.

Anyway, no plans have been made since we saw each other, simply talks of a drink soon so I'll have to keep you posted. And I'll have to keep my own emotions in check to ensure I'm casually getting involved and not aggressively trying to fill time as mentioned above. And to make sure my boundaries are healthy. And my expectations too high. Or too low.

Sigh.

I'm excited though. And the level of excitement I feel exceeds that which I felt when the beautiful man emailed me during the week to ask me how my week has been and when we can catch up next.

Ok. Movie time. I'm hungry.

WTF?

2008-06-08T13:27:00.003+10:00

Can someone tell me why the movie, "P.S I love you" has been categorised in the "romantic comedy" department here?

Seriously! I've never cried so damn hard in a film before!

P.S. I'm absolutely convinced that I'm destined to be with Gerard Butler. Just so you know.

2008-05-26T02:07:00.004+10:00

It's 2.20am and like many nights in the past, I'm seducing sleep with a tall glass of wine. I feel so infantile as I had a great dinner party tonight and have been elated ever since and far too excited to sleep.

I've been courting happiness lately. I brainstorm happiness, track it down in books, songs, movement and comfortable company. It's blatant in the subconscious song of my son, the morning sun riding the surf on my way to work, and sublime in the fleeting fingertips of that sexy French barister or staying in and reading while the wind rages outside.

May has been a month of movement. Definitely not in the physical sense as I've been slack in that department. Instead I've read three books (The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurt, The Master by Colm Toibin and Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert) and have allowed myself time.

I'd really love to say that this internal development has come as a result of something deep and awfully meaningful, but no, it was the result of stupid, stupid actions, which made me dig deeper into my motivations.

So what are these stupid, stupid actions? Without wanting to delve toooo deeply into my stupidity, there was a beautiful man showing interest in me and I blew it. Twice. And at the time I didn't understand why because he's honestly one of the most stunning men I've met and I really enjoy his company too... He actually asked me out on a date (which I contemplated despite the dating ban) - a fun, surprising and quirky date which I thought to be totally delightful - and I managed to screw everything up (before the date) by wanting to define everything as I felt so insecure. Fast track three weeks on and he invited me to meet his family and the inner circle of his friends for his birthday and I managed to miss every. single. sign of interest, too deep in my own feelings of inadequacy and again, missed out. Oh, and I didn't just do that. When he asked me to dance (and he never dances), I saw an old client and left him to catch up with this client. And then 30 mins later, actually mourned the fact that this former client, a very rich and successful creative genius had just asked me out on a date and it was such a shame because I didn't feel a strong attraction (I'm convinced the client is gay and will try to ignore the fact that he thinks that I'm gorgeous, wants to spend time with me and oh, he's also thinking of buying a holiday house in Milan). And yes, maybe, I mentioned those things to him too. And maybe his reply might have been "so if this client so creative, rich and successful then what are you doing here with me?" And yes, maybe I missed that queue as well.

I know. Stupid.

Anyway... so began a few weeks of further contemplation into why I keep screwing this up with this man and why I perpetually feel like crap around him when it seems to be unjustified. And my experience travelled far beyond the terror associated with any long-term relationship. In fact, it went beyond a relationship with someone else to the one I share with myself. I spent nearly every night of the week thinking, reading, crying, writing and sitting. I found that I had wrapped my self esteem around the rejection I felt from Luc. Somewhere, deep inside I fundamentally missed Luc and wasn't willing to see myself with anyone else. I couldn't. I questioned any sense of happiness in my life as it felt too fleeting. I wasn't spending enough time in silence. I wasn't sitting with my feelings, instead wanting to mask them with movement. I revelled in sadness. I was neglecting my spiritual needs. I wasn't being kind to myself.

Now, I realise this is a very condensed version of things, but I feel ok with that. Since most of these thoughts (some of which only occurred at the end of last week), I've started to listen more carefully to my internal dialogue, especially when it's concerning myself. And I'm starting to sincerely feel ok about Luc. And perhaps a little more open to the thought of being with someone else. Even excited. I'm having lunch with the beautiful man again this week before I leave for a work trip and he subsequently takes a long trip overseas. I have a feeling the timing isn't right for us and am ok with that too. Sometimes it's nice to just enjoy his company and the butterflies.

And I can say, for the first time in years, I'm making happiness something worth pursuing.

2008-05-06T16:08:00.001+10:00

I feel suffocated right now, sitting in my office. Surrounded by colleagues who are being productive and talking to each other and ticking things off their ‘to do’ list. Their lives progress and achieve positive things while I sit in the midst of a different vortex, focusing on my breath and the rage that bubbles, screams and plays with my despondency.

The weight of being the bigger person presses against me today. It’s starting to unravel me and I’m fearful that people like Luc are waiting, eager to gather up the wool and spin their own story about me. One that isn’t me at all. One that doesn’t fit.

Luc’s mother has insensitively started to send me and K ‘funny’ emails. I hate being on the same email list as her. I hate leaving my son in her care. I hate how he talks about her. I hate how she has a distortion of what happened between me and Luc. How she tells me that I have to improve communication with him – how can I tell myself that she’s pregnant? Or that Luc has started full time work when he didn’t even confirm that he’s been out of work for the last five months?

I hate how he’s still in my life and that I cannot ignore or get rid of him. And that I SHOULD, as a good mother, leave my opinions about him as far away from his son as possible so they can determine their relationship independent of me.

It weighs upon me. And I long for surrender.

Tired, tired, tired

2008-04-26T20:20:00.004+10:00

I know it's quite common to feel fatigued these days but seriously, I am stupidly tired lately. I get plenty of sleep, exercise three times a week, I have a healthy diet - there is no good reason for this.

And the exhaustion seems to have seeped into my cells. Yesterday I woke tired after eight hours of sleep, had a 2.5 hour nap in the afternoon and retired for the night at 9pm, totally spent.

Every day is the same, with the exception of the delightful weekend nap.

Baby on Board

2008-04-25T19:50:00.006+10:00

I did something that I've never done before today: read all of my blog entries since my separation with Luc.

And wow, you guys are really, truly amazing. Junebee, SquirrleyMojo, Bente, Chanchow, Angela Marie, j(oe), D and April - your support has sustained me. Thank you. There's so much wisdom and encouragement in your words. I feel grateful.

To be honest, I didn't plan on reading everything. I merely wanted to check the date that Luc and I had separated, but got hooked.

And I wanted to check the date because I discovered Luc's expecting a baby with his girlfriend.

Yes. She's due in September.

And true to form, I had to tease out the news myself.

I dropped young Wolf at his house this Tuesday morning before driving to work and saw two ultrasound photos next to his television. I picked them up and asked, "are you and K having a baby together?" and he flatly said, "no".

I pointed to the top of the ultrasound photo and said, "this is her name at the top of this photo so I think that you are" and his reply was an infuriating, "well what do you want me to say?"

My intuition had told me this months ago when Wolf had come home talking of having a brother or sister and wanting me to put his toy baby in my belly. I asked Luc back then whether K was pregnant and he denied it. Still such a liar.

So, returning to Tuesday morning, I asked him whether the baby was planned and he said that it wasn't. And the look on his face reminded me how he treated me during my own pregnancy. I normally wouldn't wish that upon anyone else but I guess this situation is a little different. He said he was still in shock.

I congratulated him, said a younger sibling would be good for Hugo and quickly left, thankful for the 30 mins of traffic dividing me from work for quiet contemplation.

And speaking of shock, the news of this has really unsettled me. It hasn't even been a year. She was pregnant only four months after Luc and I officially separated.

I asked him if he had told his mother (I knew he hadn't) and he was silent. He called her that night. The poor woman wrote to me the next day echoing the thoughts of everyone else - let's hope this isn't a repeating pattern. She's terribly upset.

And the real beauty of this fucked up situation is that K and I meant to meet up a few weeks ago. I was tired of not knowing who was spending so much time with my son and called her. I explained that I'm not interested in her personal life with Luc but think we should have a basic relationship as we both look after Hugo. She agreed and said it made sense as she did live there (this was the first time this had actually been confirmed). She was eager to see me and we arranged to have a coffee later that week. She subsequently cancelled and I haven't heard from her since.

Imagine if I had turned up for coffee to meet her as initially planned and saw her pregnant state! Surely someone is looking out for me!

And although I hold such mixed emotions, the consistent thought in mind is 'thank God it's her and not me'.

Mum is back from a month overseas

2008-03-25T00:17:00.007+11:00

There are a few traditions my family keeps when one returns from an overseas trip:

1. We'll always have a cup of tea/coffee and a snack at the airport, no matter how exhausted. They could serve us water and we'd still sit there, revelling;

2. All gifts and purchases are unpacked almost immediately. Making an extravagent mess is mandatory;

3. Naps are necessary - sympathic naps for those who haven't travelled, unless 'to the airport' counts; and

4. Cooking is a no-no. Take away or a relaxing meal somewhere local where they don't mind the almost offensive tiredness and meaningless conversation of those truly jetlagged is key.

I always find the second ritual an interesting one as the gifts are similar to a lucky dip prize. For instance, amongst the gaudy watches, pink and black herringbone miniskirts and fake designer bags will be a natural, five carat blue sapphire surrounded by diamonds or a truly exquisite tea set, hand crafted with detailed dragons.

This year Mum took quite a sentimental and cryptic route with her gifts and I'm amazed at how my sister and I were naturally drawn to certain pieces over others.

One of them is an ancient Chinese-style lock on a simple silver chain and the design of the piece instantly resonated with me. Natasha thought it was cool, but to me, it was more. There was something I intrinsically liked about it.

Mum also brought back three bracelets, simillar in design, but all bespoke. One for each of us. The pieces were formed by using an old Chinese style of jewellery-making with a silver chain holding together a large, carved piece of jade and a charm. My sister chose the one she liked best and my later choice was simple.

Mum then made a comment about fate as the charm on my bracelet was a match to the lock. I looked and she was correct.

I paused for a moment and Mum then reminded me of a silver necklace I wore for years as a young girl. It was actually her piece but I loved it so much that she passed it on. As a girl, I remember trying it on whenever she would get ready for a night out with Dad. It was the only time I was allowed. She always looked so beautiful, so womanly and glamorous and it filled me with hope. The necklace was my mother, her heritage and how it felt to be a little girl growing up in Sydney and learning about a culture that seems so foreign yet so familiar all the same.

We somehow lost the necklace and never knew how or when. I haven't thought of it at all over the years. The shape of it is the same as the lock and the charm today, except the silver was much thinner. I feel like I've recovered something indescribably precious from my past.

---

My experience today reminded of an article I recently read on the meanings and magic we give inanimate objects. Who would've thought that the piano John Lennon composed "Imagine" on would mean so much on tour in Waco, Oklahomo City, New Orleans and Virginia Tech?

One of the first points made in the article is that anything can be sacred. It's not the object that matters, but the unique history we have with it that makes it sacred. To paraphrase, think of wedding bands, safety blankets children have, etc.

---

In a concealed compartment in my jewellery box lies a small plastic hospital band with my name, date of birth, and 'male' written on it. The tag was wrapped around Hugo's left leg for the first three days of his life. Nearly lies an emerald from a ring that Dad bought for my mother. It was an anniversary present we spent weeks researching. It was the first time Dad took my opinion seriously and also reminds me of translating my mother's words and emotions onto cards for those special occassions.

In my kitchen, there's a very thin, smooth and dark rolling pin. It belonged to my grandmother and she used it to make dumplings. It was the only precious item Mum brought with her to Australia and for over 25 years, she has also made dumplings with the very same rolling pin. It's now my turn.

And hanging in my wardrobe is the dress I wore when I first met Luc. I haven't worn it since and although it's still waaay too small, I can't bring myself to give it away. It doesn't just represent Luc, but reminds me of first love and how it billows.

---

So. Do you agree with these sentiments? And if so, what are some of your sacred pieces and the stories behind them?

A time for everything... except boredom

2008-03-16T12:16:00.010+11:00

.
As a parent with shared custody, I often fight the desire to keep Wolf always entertained. Playgroup, play dates, playgrounds, the zoo, toy shops, books. It's as if every moment has to be special and engaging and yesterday I rebelled.

While preparing lunch, I was reminded of my own childhood and the games that resulted from boredom... I spent hours picking leaves and flowers from neighbourhood gardens to sell (often back to those whose flowers I had "borrowed"). Branches that fell from our beautiful Jacaranda tree became mini microphones. Old pieces of cardboard boxes transformed into chalkboards for when I taught my poor (younger) brother at "school".

It wasn't mum's job to keep life interesting, it was her job to keep us fed, healthy, protected and warm. We had to come up with the rest.

..
Thinking about all of this lead me to examine my own life and how much I shun boredom, especially when I'm alone. We all seem to do it in some form or another; we're all so busy (isn't this the usual response to the question of, "how are you?" these days?). And even if this is genuinely the case, should we be scheduling in time for nothing? Is it really that absurd? Are we that addicted to feeling busy and virtually connected?

And then on the flip side, we all seem so 'bored' with aspects of life. I'm bored with television, with the music on the radio, with household chores; others are bored with their job or the monotany of daily routines. We're consistently seeking new inspiration and greater distractions.

I was discussing these ideas with a friend recently and was intrigued by his response:

"I don't think it's a matter of needing to be busy but a sense that I need to be productive, almost like I'm timesheeting my personal life. When I went to Paris last year, I got the impression they don't focus as much on productivity as a means to accumulating things. Their coffee shops are always full, even in the middle of the morning. Sure, they're probably behind certain countries industrially, but no wonder they're known for romance and creativity - they actually have the time to breed it!"

So I started thinking back to my childhood in relation to my friend's comments and wondered whether boredom and inactivity actually fosters creativity. It kinda makes sense to me as your mind would have the freedom to roam and explore ideas, free of activity and obligations. When I'm not doing anything I have the time to examine my life and new possibilities.

And, here's really a thought, would I consider things in more depth if I responded differently to my boredom? For instance, instead of distracting my boredom with more activity or expecting others to inspire me, should I pay attention to it, sit still, do some research and think a little harder (God forbid!)?

...
I'm not one to suggest an answer to things, this is more an exploration of ideas, but am I challenged to be ok with doing nothing. And to feel comfortable with turning off my phone on the weekends, with the social exposure I'll feel when I just walk down the street (sans phone calls and iPod) and then there's the challenge of accepting loneliness and boredom as positive things in my life that will hopefully inspire creativity and other good things.

Hm...

Any thoughts or are you all too busy??

The price of style

2008-03-11T23:56:00.009+11:00

How much is too much?

Wolf needs some funky new threads and I'm tired of Target so I've found some fantastic pieces online but have been blown away a little by the prices, even if Luc goes in half. After all, he's only three years old and will get around a year's wear out of these items. Perhaps a year and a half if we're lucky.

For instance, even though these jeans are made by a funky French label and are the best skinny legs I've seen around, would you pay $149 for them?

And although I ADORE this jacket, is it worth a $175.00 price tag?

How about this really divine little hand knitted vest for $69?

Or this cute little cardi for a cool $119?

These four items alone would set me back a whopping $512.

And even though I'm almost tempted, it just doesn't seem right.

Do you agree?

2008-03-05T19:11:00.002+11:00

Wow, I'm really amazed at how much my thoughts have revolved around the opposite sex.

Sure, I've been "quite content" as a single gal, but since my resolution last night to ban courting attention, my thought patterns around this other species has been highlighted.

I think about boys all the time.

It influences the way I walk (ok, strut), the eye contact I have with people when I'm out, I'm consistently and quite sub-consciously examining most men I come across to determine whether I'd hypothetically like them, I flirt over email, actually, I flirt all the time. I love flirting....

But no, focus Kazumi!

This has been quite a revelation to me. I'm sincerely challenged to focus on other things now like being with friends, dancing, working, writing (I'm thinking of contributing to a magazine that I love), refining my interiors, expanding my music collection... In all of this, a thing that has comforted me is that I don't dress for men. No, clothes have become such a personal expression for me since loosing all of my weight. This brings me such joy.

But not as much as flirting.

2008-03-04T23:31:00.005+11:00

Isn't this a recurrent theme with this blog - not knowing where to start, feeling like so much has changed yet unable to succinctly express the personal significance of it all?

The past few weeks have been momentus. I guided two major launches to great success at work, possibly two of the biggest projects in the industry and did myself (and the company) proud. I can't say too much about the campaigns without giving them away, but they were defining moments that seemed to reshape how I see myself. People at work certainly see me differently. I'm suddenly consulted on a wide range of issues have broadened my speciality to a whole new arena. I'm so damn proud of myself and these achievements make me really marketable now, not just locally but internationally too, and there's already talk of a promotion. It's exciting stuff, even though I'm still exhausted!

So much of my existence has focused around work lately. Sunday was my first day off in three weeks and I spent the day lounging in the yard with Wolf. He's suddenly changed and acquired a new maturity. I find myself staring at him for long periods of time, re-familiarising myself with him and his new mannerisms, expressions and words. I don't like it, but have accepted this is our new life. Sometimes I find it hard to consistently re-adjust - from senior management at work, to a single gal on the town, to a mother who relishes time with her son and simple things like bathtime, stories and bedtime.

In fact, I think this consistent re-shuffling is becoming a bit much. There are people who I work with and go out with, who have no idea I'm a mother. I'm in no way ashamed of motherhood, it's quite the opposite, I keep certain things personal to quietly relish. I still struggle with the excess space in my life/heart when Hugo isn't around and putting myself out there, especially to acquaintances, is too much.

Perhaps very connected to this, is a recent decision (ok, tonight) to quit dating. I know I've made mention to this in the past, but this is official. I went on a blind date tonight, my first official date since my disastrous dating bonanza of last year and wow, I'm really not ready for this. I absolutely freaked out beforehand but kept my word and was determined to be a gracious date. The guy was such a gentleman. We had drinks and after our third beverage, I let out my realisation and although he was disappointed, we continued to have a good night, went for dinner afterwards, I drove him home and it was all absolutely pleasant.

So, I'm enforcing a boy-ban for the next three months. During this time, I will not court any male attention. I will not actively look for a date or a boyfriend or a casual fling. I fear I lack the disposition to make wise decisions and the fact that Jack may possibly be back in my world is solid proof of this. We were suppose to catch up last week (I cancelled) and then this week (he had to fly to London for work) and the point that I fear and wholy anticipate the repercussions of our meeting, given what he did to me all those years ago, is really quite sadistic... I don't even know if he's still single... If I were to be painfully honest, I'm looking great and feeling confident (but certainly not cocky) these days and was an overweight, hormonal mess the last time he saw me (sure, I'd just given birth, but still!). Jack always wanted to explain what happened between us and never did and perhaps I'm very niavely wanting to claw back something.

Three months will take me to just over a year since Luc and I separated.

2008-02-04T23:00:00.000+11:00

I think I'm getting used to this. I came online today to waste a little time before bed and was inspired by what Squirrley wrote.

Reclaim yourself.

I guess I've been doing that over the past few days in my own little way (sure it was after a week of absolute lower-than-ever depression, but still).

Work is a challenge. Being in a BIG agency again, full time, after having my own little business with Chloe (who is so easy to work with), is hard. I still miss seeing Hugo during the day. The pressure and work load is enormous. And upholding a belief in my abilities can be a challenge in such an opinionated space.

So in the midst of everything I've started a journal. It's a beautiful object. A4 sized, gorgeous black leather and soft paper. I enjoy expressing myself in it. And while writing yesterday, I was inspired to visually express how I feel. I went through some pictures sitting on my side table and found one of Luc. It was taken when Hugo was around three days old. L looks so proud and happy. So I stuck it in my journal and wrote about how I felt. The picture reminded me of the things I miss about Luc and our little family, and sure I had a bit of a cry, but after a short while I struggled to find more positives. And suddenly I realised that I'm not a victim in all of this. I could have Luc back if I wanted to.

But I don't.

I don't want to gloss over anything in my life as what Luc did to me and our family after seven years is so shit, but I feel my life is in a hard but good place. I have a healthy and happy son, live in a wonderful house, friendships with my friends and family have strengthened, my networks are happily expanding, I'm presented with some of the best industry experience and training at work, I'm regularly dancing again and have lost around 20kgs since last year and although life is most definitely hard, I feel that I'm slowly getting there.

Reactively reclaiming bits a day at a time.

2008-01-21T23:20:00.000+11:00

sometimes it's overwhelming to sit in my house.

alone.

i think of the woman. the one on the other side of the bridge. blonde and with an irish accent. bathing my child and holding the man that i loved for so long and the void i feel drowns any sense of achievement i may have experienced that day.

they went away together over new years. thailand. seven days and luc didn't even inform me of the trip. i figured out after the fourth day of worried, unreturned phone calls. i started my new job two days after they left and he was supposed to look after our son.

thank god for my mother.

he never once took me on holiday. seven years. and still owes me two months of child support, despite the four new guitars, holiday and brand new digital camera. i had to meet with my lawyer today to discuss next steps and could barely discuss the details.

he still denies a serious relationship between him and the blonde. no, they don't live together despite her underwear in the laundry and mail on the floor. he still loves me, even though he's tried to blackmail me for custody of our child.

there are so many little stories, comments and arguments that jar my senses. i've taken up smoking. not whole cigarettes, just halves or quarters at a time.

during the day no one knows the wiser. but i long for the loneliness now, for when i take off my heels and unravel.

2007-12-09T17:52:00.000+11:00

Although it's 6pm on a Sunday evening, it still feels like the afternoon. The sun is shining through earlier storm clouds, Hugo is playing with a big orange recycling truck and I can still see salt in his hair from our earlier swimming adventures. We woke from a nap around 20 minutes ago and have already snacked on ham and cheese wraps and warm banana muffins.

I must admit, I'm loving this time off. The house is so clean and tidy, for the first time ever our Christmas tree and decorations are up before Christmas Eve, our au-pair suddenly left nearly two weeks ago (long story) so Hugo and I are spending tonnes of time together, his aggressive behaviour has nearly disappeared and I'm feeling better than I have in years.

Things are starting to come together....

--
Hugo and I were walking home from the bus stop after a delicious yum cha feast two weeks ago when I came across a house on our street for lease. The last tenants were vacating at the time so I called out to them, asked about the property and they kindly showed us through.

I immediately had a strong sense about the place. Although the kitchen and bathroom are at least 30 years old, the house has character, loads of storage space (including a large downstairs basement and separate storage area that was used as a dark room), large living and bed rooms, plus a front and back yard. Hugo's never had a yard and was running the whole time we were there. Best of all, the rent is $250 cheaper a week than what I'm currently paying, which means I can afford it on my own, in spite of Luc's sporadic child support payments.

The thing I like most though, is that it reminds me of my childhood home. I loved that home and lived there for the first 21 years of my life. The windows are the same, the kind you push out and secure with a long iron-like rod with holes, painted white; it has the same double brick construction that's ideal in summer and not in winter; plus an unruly yard that instills a respect for spiders and the like at a very young age.

I love the notion of raising my son in such a home.

The lease is a 12 month contract (as the owner plans to knock down the house next year and re-build), which I've realised is quite ideal. Who knows what will happen over the next 12 months. I've decided to go with my gut and take life in baby steps. I sign the lease next week, will conveniently have two places over the next three weeks and plenty of time to organise the move. I'm pretty excited.

This feels like my first real step forward, independent of Luc.

--
So, I was dating the man I mentioned in my previous post for an intense three weeks. I adored the time we spent together and was quite smitten. Our conversations were interesting and challenging, he was sweet and affectionate, cute yet so comfortable to be around. He told his family about me, apparently raved that "I'm a keeper", Harry and Natasha bumped into us out one night and really liked him and things were developing quite beautifully yet so naturally.

From little comments he had made here and there, I could sense he has issues with money and success, but thought our ideals were quite similar. He didn't seem materialistic but had aspirations (he's a lawyer wanting to, one day be a judge). I liked how he didn't seem to have any issues with my situation. In fact, he thought I was in an ideal position and admired my drive.

Last Saturday night he took me to a lovely restaurant on the water to celebrate our time together so far. I was touched, but could tell something was up from the moment he picked me up. He was behaving so out of character, it was like he was intentionally trying to start an argument. He insulted me at dinner, I had to go to the bathroom to avoid crying in the restaurant and later that night he dumped me, not because of my character or anything I did or said, but because I drive a Mercedes, live in a waterview apartment, work in PR, am "a bit glam" and apparently more ambitious than he is. I couldn't believe it.

The morning after he called to apologise. He said that really likes me but my possessions and achievements (which are seriously, not that extravagant) bring out an insecurity in him. We broke up and I spent half the day in bed.

That was last weekend and he's since been in contact A LOT. He called to apologise three days in a row, has made grand gestures to hang out and even managed to meet Hugo (by passing by a place he knew we were eating). His parents found out what happened and apparently his dad called him a "damn fool who absolutely blew it". I agreed.

I'm amazed at how extreme my feelings have been. I adored this man for three weeks but after experiencing that different side of him, see him purely platonically now. We've hung out as friends twice since the break up and I'm quite comfortable with it. I think I prefer it, despite missing his mind-blowing massages and those kisses. We used to kiss for hours...

Nevertheless, I think I'm done with dating for now. I'm glad I gave it a go as it's boosted my confidence, proved that age doesn't guarantee maturity and showed me that I'm still open to a relationship, even after Luc... but despite this, it's bloody exhausting!!

I know it sounds bad, but I feel like I've ticked that box and can now get back to building up life on my own. And that makes me happy.

2007-11-27T17:53:00.000+11:00

Who knows whether anyone reads this blog anymore. I'm not too sure if it matters. At times I feel the need to get my feelings out there, but then there are moments when I'm protective, wanting to relish my experiences privately.

My heart feels full today. I've started dating again and have been quite a busy gal - three different dates with three different men in two weeks. Each guys is interesting, funny and easy to be around but I've felt chemistry with only one of them, and even then, it terrifies me. There are some good stories in the meantime!

The good guy is such a nice guy too. Thirty-six years old (and the third 36 year old I've dated this year), a lawyer, plays guitar in two bands, is going on an adventure trip throughout Asia for three weeks, volunteers, lives in the city and we never seem to run out of conversation.

I find his company so natural and enjoyable but sometimes I worry about our ages, even though eight years isn't a lot. I'm certainly not ready to settle down and think he's planning on doing exactly that. Sometimes I consider chatting to him about this, but it seems too soon as our relationship is so relaxed.

Luc has been really good to us lately, which doesn't help. He knows that I'm dating and jokes about bringing over a poison-tipped umbrella.

Dating has raised so many feelings. I thought I was well and truly over Luc but meeting new people has made me realise how much I still miss him and then there's the overwhelming sense of loss I feel regarding the family we had, the security and worst of all, the hopes. I feel immense grief in the fact that our beautiful son won't have a close sibling.

This still drives me to tears. And it makes me question whether I'm actually ready to meet someone new. Sometimes I feel I'm doing it to feel something different, something new and for the impression that I'm progressing.

But moving on is hard. I find the guys I'm attracted to are shamelessly intimidated by my life. Guys under and around 30 years old are super keen until they realise I have a child, a nanny and my own business. It frustrates me. Yet, I don't want to feel like I'm selling myself short by dating someone older who I'm not as attracted to - even though I do seem to bond more with the older guys (beyond the physical). I'm so confused.

Of course there is no hurry in all of this. I do realise that.

2007-10-31T22:48:00.000+11:00

It's a warm night and I can feel my skin still sticky from an earlier dance class.

The house is still and I'm alone. Harry is out, Emily is asleep and Wolf is staying with Luc at his new pad. I feel guilty for enjoying the serenity. I feel silently ecstatic, perhaps another side-effect of the class.

I would normally be going to bed now, preparing for my first permanent day at work, but there have been some last-minute developments (namely the client I was to work on dropping the project) so I'll now be starting in January 2008. As you can imagine, this isn't the best financial outcome, though I'm relishing it on other planes. I thankfully retained two ongoing clients with my business so that should sustain me in the meantime, along with continued contract work with the Agency. This also allows Chloe more time to transition into work again.

Yes, I'm trying to stay positive.

My social networks are also expanding. I'm noticing a few different friend groups developing, which makes me really happy. I'm seeing the crew on Friday night for dinner at Ivy's house and hanging out with friends from the dance studio on Saturday night. I cannot wait to go out and dance dance dance!

Due to the events of my last post, the romance has absolutely died between me and the fling and I notice I barely think of him now. I would normally replace him with random thoughts of someone new, but I can't be bothered. I thought I would respond well to the meaningless sex (particularly as I really welcomed it) but I didn't. Maybe it was the wrong fit? Perhaps I work best when I'm in a relationship and can add more than just a body. Perhaps it shows that I'm not as confident as I would like, or maybe that I like to have something deeper. I don't know.

Luc and I had lunch today and I mentioned casually dating to him. He was really good about it but absolutely drilled me for names and details, which I refused. He also suggested something very intruiging, which is moving to London in around a year's time. We could both move there with Hugo, live separately but still be supportive of each other, travel and earn the pound. Luc has the potential to make a killing there in IT and the PR industry is huge in London and I could easily find work given the brands I've managed. I actually like the notion! I've always wanted to live London and travel throughout Europe and this may be the ideal way to achieve it, while keeping Hugo's best interests in mind.

Anyway, that's it from me today...

2007-10-28T21:15:00.000+11:00

It's 9.16pm, Wolf is asleep and both Emily (au-pair) and Harry (brother) are out (not together). I'm relishing the silence, exhausted but also ecstatic to be alone.

Today's the first day I've felt well since last Tuesday night. I had a fever for two days and a stomach bug for three, lucky I was sick as my laptop also crashed. Mum saw me yesterday and claims I've shed half my body weight since last year, which is quite the statement coming from her. I admit it was comforting, though I wonder whether that'll change now that I can hold food down :)

My thoughts feel scattered tonight. My hormones are charming my logic and I've felt weepy and very vulnerable. Being home and alone all of those days hasn't helped my thoughts towards my "casual affair" either. I have seriously over-analysed the situation, have thought of all the other women he's definitely courting and my reaction to this varies, depending on the strength of my hormones.

I luckily confided in a good male friend who had to outline the perameters of the relationship I'm in. For instance, it's not unusual not to hear from him in three weeks and suddenly receive a drunken midnight call. He knows that I'm busy until next weekend so I should see whether anything happens then to determine my next steps.

I feel so foolish and naive as I'm really used to serious dating and none of this frivolity. It's hard.

Hm. He's now online and wants to chat..........

Current mood: utter self pity

2007-10-24T20:08:00.000+10:00

So today... I woke up sick with a cold and a raging fever, went into work where they said they've run out of budget for my freelance rate (I have to wait until next week when I start on a permanent basis to return), came home and my brother Harry's car was broken into (his Xbox, iPod and new cufflinks I bought for him all taken) and then our latest au-pair flooded the bathroom tonight while I was upstairs asleep on the couch, the water spilled throughout the hall into my bedroom, ruining my all time favourite Mimco bag, a $450 bag I worked very hard for a year to purchase.

And in my weakened state, I'm not sure if I really am cut out for this whole casual dating thing. I really wanted someone to bring me chicken soup today.

2007-10-22T21:04:00.000+10:00

Being single again is delightfully strange after a seven-year relationship. It's been nearly six months since Luc and I separated and some of my friends have already started to suggest dates. There's been a hot highschool teacher, a blush-worthy builder and intense IT guy, but I've absolutely avoided any serious situation, especially in connection to valued friends.

The thought of another long term relationship absolutely repulses me.

I'm amazed at how much my relationship with Luc has changed me. Perhaps it's not so much what he has done but how I've reacted. Keeping his secret my own for so many months and having to act almost without emotion when I felt disembowelled has built a second strength and a way of compartmentalising things I didn't think I was capable of.

I think a large part of me is angry at the way Luc almost stripped me of my sexuality. There were years of almost no intimacy, carefully covered under the guise of tiredness and stress, when he was in fact with other women. I remained faithful and frustrated, my confidence waning with each passing day.

I was concerned it would be hard to find a date when I first started going out. I was very aware of the fact that I'm a young single mother who leads a pretty demanding life. I don't have a lot of time inbetween Wolf, my career, my family and friends, managing the house and dance class. And for some reason, a stereotype lingers which suggests I instantly want commitment and marriage from a man because of my situation, which clearly is not the case for me. Men can be fearful of the fact that I have a child, but sometimes even more intimidated by the fact that I'm reasonably successful, independent and have a live-in nanny at 28 years old.

Inspite of this, I've wanted to lead somewhat of a double-life for some time now, but it can be tricky to find the right person. The thought of an illicit and arcane affair excites me, especially given my arrangement with Luc where I have every second weekend free of the Wolf. The balance of being a mum one weekend and something quite the opposite, without the awareness of anyone else, appeals to me more than anything else.

And so it was quite coincidental when I met a rather charasmatic man recently on a Friday night through a mutual acquainance. Eight years my senior (but hidden magnificently through amazing genes), we quickly bonded over cheeky conversation and he soon realised a common interest after six hours of an abundance supply of alcohol.

I've since been entertaining a candidly open and casual little affair with this very experienced single man. No one knows of our arrangement and we're both absolutely fine with that.

There's a theory that you attract the energy that you put out there and I think this just may be the case.

2007-10-18T11:45:00.000+10:00

I think about blogging often as there's plenty to talk about, but often can't be bothered. I log in and then find myself blank.

I'm sitting on the couch at the moment, entertaining myself before starting a new task for work. The weather's sunny and bright but cool with a strong breeze. Harry's been staying here for the last couple of weeks and is almost like a shadow, returning home late at night and sleeping during the light. He recently quit his job and I have no idea how he's managing to get by (besides living rent free here!).

Despite my recent dramas, I think I'm reaching a point of happiness. I can see myself happy, which is more than I can say a year ago....

2007-10-07T11:50:00.000+10:00

Today feels like a new day and there are so many reasons why.

* During an argument last night (and influenced by hangover-induced haze), I told Luc that I've known about his affairs. He's been surprisingly, really damn nice to me ever since.

* I negotiated details for my start at the Agency early last week and begin full time on 1 November, 2007. I have a great package and have negotiated a pay review in January :)

* Chloe and I had dinner on Thursday night and discussed details of putting our company on hold while she focuses on her babies and I pursue consistent money.

* Mum and I started discussions last week regarding the purchase of an apartment. I want her to give me the money she was going to give Luc and I so I can buy an apartment and get out of this renting rut.

* My weight loss is coming along nicely. I'm taking a simple approach - exercising lots, drinking lots of water and eating well and am determined to reach my ideal weight by summer, which is very possible.

* I'm getting excited by the notion of a great relationship with someone new. I was absolutely disheartened as I'm in a weird place where all the men my age are career and party focused, sans children and intimidated by my life (even though I have no intention of introducing anyone to Hugo). I know it'll be years since I'm in a relationship again and despite my lonliness, I'm starting to be ok with it. It feels like a natural progression.

* And on that note, I've really scaled back on my relationship with the lawyer. No more daily conversations or calls before bedtime, no more late night internet chats and I'm calling my girlfriends when I need a supportive chat. To subtly test his feelings, I made mention last week of a cute guy I met out last weekend and slightly exaggerated the extent of things, saying that he bought me drinks all night (true), that we had great conversation (true) , that he was very attractive and well dressed (true) and that we swapped numbers at the end of the night (not true). His reaction was interesting, consistently bringing him up in our conversation and suggesting we call him to join us for dinner during the week (but not in a good way). Funnily enough we haven't spoken as intensively since.

Anyway, Sunday afternoon is quickly approaching and I have a long list of things to do - everything from laundry and cleaning to dance classes and work.... I'm still juggling two very intense jobs and am naturally scared of the week ahead.

Actually, this is the recent me...

2007-10-07T11:25:00.000+10:00

so after three years, this is me....

2007-09-24T22:25:00.000+10:00

2007-09-23T20:19:00.000+10:00

natasha and i had an adventure in the city yesterday.

we did a dance class, had an early dinner, went to the movies (hairspray), took ridiculous sticker photos (cried with laughter trying to comprehend the japanese machines), and then chilled on george street, people-watching.

i can't remember the last time i hung out with someone without making any plans. tash and i literally met and made up what to do along the way and had so much fun

some things to note...

* if you're down on money and want some authentic, quality taiwanese food, visit mother chu's in chinatown. for $20 two people can eat boiled pork dumplings with vinegar, hot and sour soup, pancakes with fried egg, marbled beef and tofu with chilli, greens with garlic and bowls of deliciously hot soy bean milk. it's almost criminal for the price. and don't forget the top the meal across the way with some emperor puffs (warm pastry balls with hot custard inside) if you can handle the long lines

* i heart the guy who works at the george street cinemas. although a little young, he makes me want to see more movies, and is the ONLY good looking guy we saw all night

* sticker machines are a fabulous ego booster. it's like those crazy japanese know that soft lighting will make your skin look luminous and then there are all those 'cute' effects for those bad body pics, if you can understand the machines...

* i don't get why so many asians die their hair orange. i understand they've bleached it but haven't gone all the way blonde, i just don't understand why

* tash and i lost count of the number of girls stumbing down george street, not even drunk yet and unable to walk in their pumps, wearing bad underwear underneath tight, short dresses and what's with all the boys wearing fluro tops with tight, white jeans and matching white shoes, bad mullets (shaved sides, seriously now...) or those big and boring, messy, hobbit hair cuts?? am i just getting old?? being there comforted me in the fact that i'm older and (hopefully) wiser in this department!

WTF

2007-09-16T20:10:00.000+10:00

Luc took Hugo and I out for dinner tonight to "chat about things". He intially wanted to take me alone but we couldn't organise a sitter for Hugo in time. I tried to cancel but decided to go as I thought we were going to discuss custody (we don't currently agree).

But no, he wants to get back together.

No lie people, no lie.

Will write more once I've recovered from my shock/rage/utter depression.

2007-09-14T23:46:00.000+10:00

The house is silent, with the exception of my fingers tapping on this keyboard and the soft drone of a computer in the background. And although it's windy outside, I've left the door partially open to experience the new sense of warmth in the air.

I can spend hours sitting in moments like these. My mind wanders in and out of daily reflections, dark and quiet moods and pure exhaustion.

I think a lot about work but am learning to more effectively switch off when it's needed. It's a challenge as I presently work over 12 hours a day to ensure my company is powering on, even though Chloe is on maternity leave and even though I'm freelancing four days a week in addition to running my company. But despite five weeks of successfully juggling, I still feel on edge most of the time, just barely grasping all of the straws.

The big agency offered me a full time position two weeks ago, purely on my own terms and the thought of working there absolutely excites me. I can have as much time as I like to figure out my next steps, can take time off work altogether and even start permanently in the new year if I wish to. It's up to me. The mentoring, training and creativity within the large and international business structure there fascinates me. I would be stepping into a senior role and they're willing to work around my hot buttons to determine the clients I would like to work on. The accounts are really interesting and I dare say, easy in comparison to the smaller clients of my own. The pay would be consistent, the best in the industry (for an agency position, in-house always pays more) and the career opportunities there are absolutely enormous.

I've loved the senior role I've had to date. I really get a kick out of mentoring the junior staff and feel I have a lot to give. They seem to be taking to it well as I'm often consulted now for advice on everything from media angles to campaign strategies to client relations. I've had three different Account Directors write to the MD raving about my work and ideas, which is such an enormous compliment and a colleague today even said that I have a calming effect on her! I know that I'm raving and could sound boastful, but in fact I haven't had the opportunity to share this with many, with exception of my immediate family and the lawyer. It feels so damn uplifting and good for my soul to be encouraged like this and engrossed in something other than my love life.

And I love the social aspect of being in the office again and meeting so many new people. The energy has such a positive effect on me and I've realised how much my extroverted personality has missed the daily company of others.

Anyway, although I'm still very committed, I feel myself moving away from my own company. I have no idea how I'm going to breach the news to Chloe or logistically separate from the business. I haven't been able to tell Chloe as I know she's struggling with the change of having two children, can still be a bit hormonal and I don't want to add further pressure to either of our already strained lives! In the meantime I'm focused on doing the best job I can so I leave the company in the best position it's been in. I figure I owe us that much.

I'm excited though. And so very relieved to have a contingency that ensures Hugo and I will have a financially viable future.

2007-09-10T21:50:00.000+10:00

Wolf is asleep and I'm sitting, tipsy, in front of my laptop after drinking a glass of the delightful Reisling I bought while away with the girlfriends this weekend. Our new au-pair has gone out with our old one, the baton happily passing from one to another.

One glass and I feel almost drunk... one glass.

And I've decided, while in this lush obscurity that I need to find someone frivolous to date. Need. Need. Need. Nothing serious. He has to have a fatal flaw so I don't fall.

I need to so desperately because I have spoken to the lawyer almost everyday for the past two weeks and find myself missing him when I don't. We joke, we laugh, we share. Our conversations are always interesting and witty. He makes me laugh. I have a great time whenever we go out for dinner (weekly, just the two of us). He thinks that speaking every day isn't too much, but I'm starting to think that is. We usually chat before sleeping at night and I don't want to let go of the fantasy as it's something. I currently have nothing and Hugo has come home saying the name of Luc's girlfriend, the one he still denies.

My infatuation is stupid as the lawyer isn't right for me. I don't think we have the same interests. He's a borderline hypocondriac. He's a mamma's boy who lives a relatively priveledged and sheltered life. It would never work. But he's sweet, considerate, funny, handsome, successful and we have chemistry. We talk for hours. God, I miss that zing. If he didn't have a girlfriend I would say we were already seeing eachother. Can you see how stupid that alone sounds? This is fucking stupid after what Luc has done to me, even if it is just flirting. The lawyer hates Luc too. What on earth am I doing to myself? Please don't answer this.

We're having dinner on Wednesday night, the lawyer and me, and I think I'll give our correspondence a serious break after that. I have to for my own self-preservation.

2007-09-02T19:05:00.000+10:00

Life has fallen into quite an easy pattern since my separation with Luc. Things are pretty predictable during the week: Hugo stays with me and Luc visits around three times a week after work to see him (which allows me to go out for dinner or to a dance class). The weekends however, are different.

Luc has Hugo one weekend and I have him the next so my weekend with Hugo is filled with playing, parks, cooking, cleaning, general organisation and catching up on work. The free weekend is packed with dance classes, nights out and basically as much socialising and escapism as I can pack in.

I was happily anticipating this weekend. Hugo met me in the city after work on Friday night and we had an adventure through the city, which ended in Chinatown eating dumplings and soy bean soup (Hugo's favourite), followed by these fresh, hot custard pastry balls called "emperor puffs". We then came home, Hugo watched a movie and I had a fun three hour conversation with the lawyer, which ended at 1am. I was feeling confident and quite content.

But just when I thought I was ok... I woke up yesterday already sobbing after a nightmare where I had confronted Luc about his affairs. I was slapping him with this belt like apparatus and he silently took it, his face at times warping into that of my father's. I was really sobbing in the dream and feeling such an extreme rage.

It hurt to wake, already physically weeping so heavily. I was so disappointed and Hugo and I both got out of bed feeling groggy and frustrated. Hugo was quite whingy and fussy for the rest of the day and I was plain depressed. I tried but couldn't lift myself out of my funk, so instead I wrote, really subconsciously, trying to release whatever I was thinking of.

And then I wrote it. I still love Luc. I miss him. I'm devastated. Totally heartbroken.

I looked through the earlier pages of my journal and suddenly understood why. How could I forget? Pages and pages of detailed plans for our wedding, locations both here and in Canada we both liked, dress shapes, people to invite... then there were floor plans for the two houses we made an offer for, plus a list of things we would improve in each place, how excited we were... names we both liked for the child we had planned to start trying for around now.

And so I've accepted that I'm in some kind of mourning, and since accepting this, the thought of someone else is totally repulsive.

We've been officially separated for three months now. I guess I can't expect to already be over it so soon.

bounce, bounce, bounce

2007-08-31T21:06:00.000+10:00

The notion of a rebound fling makes perfect, absolute sense to me lately. I understand these situations can become tricky and unfair, but I don't want another serious relationship. I'm after frivolty that makes me forget the pain and helps me move on.

I don't understand why this pain lingers. I find it all together bothersome. I look at Luc and I don't want to be with him. My heart has totally shut him out, yet I'm still utterly crushed by what he's done to me. It seems so very unfair.

Anyway, my freelancing work takes me to the center of the city four days a week so I've been leveraging my time and meeting up with friends for lunch or dinner, and today I realised that I've been on four non-dates in the past two weeks. Each situation is pretty innocent, but I admit that I've really looked forward to each one. The only reason why I even use the 'date' word is because of the undeniable chemistry of each situation. I've never been wrong when I've felt it like that in the past.

Each of the four different men are attractive, witty and very successful: one journalist, one actuary, one lawyer and furniture designer. One dinner, two lunches and one drink after work. Conversation flowed, eye contact was perfect and in each case, we ran well over the allocated time we made for meeting. Promises were made to meet more often.

But each of them are non-dates becauase there's no way I can date another journalist and the other three are new or very old friends that have girlfriends - two just started seeing someone and the last has returned to a rather confusing relationship. And there's absolutely no way I would knowingly be the "other woman" or date someone who could do that right now.

I feel myself bouncing from the notion of one person to the next. I know each small flame is a pure fantasy, but I don't care. I seem insatiable and curse the fact that I've felt something like this with four men who are unaccessible. But my heart has the answering playing and the excitment of one person fades into the face of another.

upstreams of new air

2007-08-26T12:31:00.000+10:00

it's a gorgeous day here: glowing and kind with a cool breeze.

hugo is happily occupied with his trucks, creating fake garbage from scrunched pieces of paper to place in his miniature vehicles to dump. i adore his sound effects and quiet chatter but might distract him shortly to rescue my favourite necklace that's being transported from one vehicle to another.

if my break up with luc were to be experienced with steps, then i think i've reached the next level. we've settled our child support agreement, custody and the division of assets, hugo is used to him leaving at night and i prefer it when he's not around. there seems to be momentum and acceptance, even if it's still awfully painful.

luc seems to pay more attention to hugo now that we're separated. he comes over a few nights a week to be with him and they play, read books, talk - luc was always preoccupied when we were together, always tired from work. yesterday they spent the day outside and luc actually dressed him, brushed his teeth, washed his face and got his bag ready without complaint. it was a first. he never did this with me and although that makes me sad, i think we're all better off if the separation means more happy, quality time for hugo where he sees his dad actively doing things instead of just sitting at his computer.

isn't it strange how one person can affect your life so much? i feel like i've unhatched from an egg. i actually feel younger, even though my life isn't necessarily easier. i'm making new friends, loving my freelance work, i've lost a lot of weight and have gained a great deal of fitness. i did an intermediate/advance dance class yesterday and loved it. and, god bless him, was even hit on by a nineteen year old boy last week who was amazed that i had finished university. he figured out that i'm older than 23 this week when i told him that my longest relationship lasted seven years. cute.

i'm going away in september for three days with penelope and four other girlfriends to the country. we've hired out a couple of comfortable rooms, have already booked in treatments (massages, facials) and i cannot wait. we're all really looking forward to it. i can't remember the last time i went away and bonded with some girlfriends. penelope had to talk me into it and i'm glad that she did.

2007-08-18T14:18:00.000+10:00

it's a dark and cloudy saturday afternoon and wolf and i are having a lazy day. we slept in and are still wearing our pajamas. luc called earlier to take him out but wolf isn't feeling very well (temperature, coughing) so it's better for him to stay at home.

today feels good as i think we're all moving forward now.

luc has unofficially moved out. he doesn't stay here anymore, perhaps one night a week, and is terribly uncomfortable whenever he's here. the atmosphere in the house is slowly lifting without luc here. there's conversation and laughter at night, we watch movies, make delicious dinners and wolf is used to sleeping with just me in the bed. he no longer asks where his dad is at night.

it occured to me today that i should start packing luc's stuff away boxes. his clutter is everywhere - clothes, shoes, bags, tech crap - i'm tired of looking at it and want to almost cleanse the house of him.

i'm starting to get used to the thought of him living with someone else. the thought of hugo being with the two of them still bothers me though. "bothers" is quite the understatement. hugo said her name the other day. i don't know how luc expects to keep his relationship under wraps when he does stupid stuff like this.

i've had a child support agreement drafted and have discussed the terms with luc. he seems fine with them so it's a matter of signing and submitting the papers to an agency that will monitor the payments. i hope to get this finalised during the week.

custody seems to be another issue though. there's no doubt hugo will live with me, but luc would like to have him every other weekend (which is fine) plus two nights a week. i'm not sure about the two nights a week for the following reasons:

* luc has never done a lot of every day things with hugo. he would always bitch and complain when i'd ask so i just did it myself to save the drama. he rarely bathed him, made him a meal or put him to sleep, he's incredibly impatient when dressing him and still puts nappies on him, even though he's potty trained. i worry about hugo being with him, though i understand it may be a good thing. nevertheless i'm suspicious of his intentions as he currently sees hugo around 1-2 times a week and if he'd really want to be a part of his everyday life he'd do it now.

* hugo slept in the same bed as me and luc. we all loved it. when i asked luc where hugo would sleep (when staying with him), he said "with me" and i know that really means "with us" and there's no way i want my son sleeping in the same bed as the other woman.

* i don't think it's healthy for hugo to come and go from one place to another so i thought i could suggest an arrangement where hugo stays with him for two nights during week one and then on the weekend for week two. this ensures hugo is with luc two days a week, regardless of our weekend arrangement.

so many changes are taking place. i managed to get through week one of working two jobs and am looking forward to next week. the extra work has been an absolute godsend and i relish the challenge of keeping it all together. i'll start looking for another place in around six week's time.

my current idea of bliss is wolf and i being settled in a great new place with a fantastic new aupair, hugo going to preschool a few days a week, me finding work to suit and us all shifting into a comfortable routine.

Lovepad

2007-08-17T00:55:00.000+10:00

I absolutely adore Eveline Tarunadjaja's art on Lovepad. Love love love.

This is one of my favourites, called:

"red tenticles: heart doesn't break, they splatters all over the place."

I've decided that once Wolf and I are in our new place, I'm going to treat myself to some of her stuff, sort of like a 'congrats' present.

2007-08-13T21:46:00.000+10:00

I'm amazed at how some doors open while others close.

I started some really exciting freelance work today. I'll take about four days of my working week, which is quite convenient as my business is slowing down a little. I'm charging an hourly rate so this work will let me save the money I need to move out soon with Hugo. Being back in an agency is quite a relief. I adore the simplicity of turning up, doing my job and then going home, and love working on a big brand again. I've really missed it.

So, after quite an intensive first day in the office, I went to a loooong meeting with one of my own clients and then came home to Wolf and our really wonderful au-pair, who gave me notice that she's leaving. She can stay for the next month or until I find someone else (if I can manage to do that sooner). She's depressed and horribly homesick and I totally understand her position. Nevertheless, it sucks. She's the best au-pair we've had to date and it took such a long time to find her.

I think I screwed up our working relationship though. I ended up telling her about me and Luc and perhaps it was the wrong thing to do as the boundaries became too blurry. We get along so well so I started to see her as a friend who looks after Hugo while I work. I know she has her own issues (the whole world doesn't revolve around my separation) yet I can't help but think that my personal dramas made her decision to leave easier to make. She plans to return to Germany as soon as I secure a replacement.

Luc didn't come home for four days last week. He went to work on Wednesday and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon, and even then, he disappeared for around three hours at night. It's 10.30pm Monday night and I don't think he'll turn up again. I plan to finalise our child support agreement this week and then have him select definite days/nights when he's here. He cannot come and go as he pleases.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself tonight. I could easily revel in my recent turn of events, but my gut tells me that I have to power on through this. I have to gather all of determination, work hard, clench my jaw and do whatever it takes to get through this, preserving as much happiness for Hugo and me as possible.

2007-08-11T17:15:00.001+10:00

Even though this is my blog, I'm sorry to be writing about this so much. I do talk about other things and I think I am (slowly) getting on with my life... I guess I need to vent as well.

Yesterday was Luc's birthday. It's been three days since he's been home. I know he's been out with his girl and their friends, celebrating. I know the other woman that he flew out here goes home today, disappointed. The audacity of this man to have three women in the same city within kilometres of each other! I know he's been using our son as the reason why he's not always with one or the other. It makes me so angry as Wolf hasn't seen his Dad in days. He woke up today asking for his Dad and started crying when he couldn't find him.

The realisation that he's a perpetual cheat and liar has eased my ego but has made me question how I could've spent the last seven years with this man. He's been my best friend. We're shared the same bed, have seen each other every day - we've had a child. Why didn't it click earlier? Was he always like this or has he just recently hit some kind of character low?

I've always thought there was some goodness to Luc but I wonder whether that was his way of hypnotising me into a false sense of security - or whether it was a way of creating one for himself.

I think my heart and home have been a safe-haven for him over the years. I've always trusted him. I've chosen him above others. I've put him before myself. I've truly loved him and have taken care of him.

There have been so many times when I've wanted to tell him that I know. I've wanted to kick him out, I've wanted to tell him to stay the fuck away from me. I've wanted to contact all of these women and tell them about each other and his real character. I've wanted to tell his mother. I've wanted to tell him how much he's crushed my insides and wasted my time but I've given him enough.

I'm staying for now as I need to establish a strong financial base and get my plans in order for me and Wolf before moving out. It would be stupid of me to go now as I wouldn't be able to support Hugo or myself. Although I'm getting legal agreements drawn up, I know that I cannot count on Luc once we're gone and never want to be financially dependent on a man again.

2007-08-10T17:26:00.000+10:00

It's 5.26pm. The traffic noises outside are intensifying. Wolf is still sleeping and I plan to figure out dinner after this post. Our nanny is on the balcony, sitting under the apricot sky, happily chatting on the phone. This scene would be perfect if my heart weren't so heavy.

Last night I discovered that Luc has been partly living with the second girl for some time now. He's been dividing his time between our house and hers, lately spending far more time there than here, even nights. They plan to move in together once Wolf and I have moved on and have already been viewing places to live.

I suspected an affair between Luc and this woman four years ago and realise they may have been in contact this entire time. Who am I kidding. Of course they have been.

To avoid madness, I've been opening up a lot to friends, at times just sitting on the other end crying. I feel empty and despondent and like such a damn fool.

I know this may sound dramatic, but I just can't take anymore of this drama. In my sadness, a stronger side of me has come to light and I've set my plans. I hope to move out with Hugo in a couple of months, stay close to the city (so I don't have to travel far for work) and am starting to freelance my time out to the highest bidder. And I have a bidder.

On the way home yesterday...

2007-08-07T22:04:00.000+10:00

Harry: I've been worried about Mum lately
Me: Oh really, what's up?
Harry: She's been really emotional and depressed. She calls me every day -
Me: - And the difference from normal behaviour would be....
Harry: I had to talk her out of setting up another massage parlour last week. She was ready to go overseas for the girls and started scouting places in Perth
Me: Oh shit
Harry: Exactly. She was going to tell us that she went back to Taiwan and just come back after a few months with a house deposit. She only decided against it because she knew we wouldn't approve.
Me: I see
Harry: I'm so glad she's opening the ice cream place instead

Waving the White Flag

2007-08-05T23:05:00.000+10:00

It's 11pm and I'm just recently home from my first dance performance in, oh, around seven years. The last two weeks have been consumed with dance classes and rehearsals. They have been a relief, channelling my anger and hurt, but now my body is exhausted. And even though the event was a success, sadness and a low vibrating depression billow through and around me.

I feel lost.

I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm making lots of new friends, but most of them are single and I don't feel like I belong in that category. I don't like spending time with Luc yet time apart is also hard. I can't bear to talk about my situation yet don't know what else to converse about (outside light and superficial speak). I don't know where I should look to live - near the city, friends and work or near my supportive, busy and rather unreliable family. I don't know whether I should continue with my business or find a job. I can't see myself in another relationship but desperately want someone to love me and hold me and prefer my company.

I want to be alone. I'm so tired. And I think I've discovered another person Luc's involved with, besides me and the other.

2007-07-29T21:04:00.000+10:00

Little things are keeping me sane in this ridiculous situation. For instance, songs I like to play really loud when my cheating bastard of a boyfriend is home (to ensure he doesn't stay home for long):

* Lately, Stevie Wonder
* Every Little Bit Hurts, Alicia Keys
* You Make Me Wanna, Usher
* What Goes Around Comes Back Around, Justin Timberlake
* Don't You Remember, Luther Vandross
* I heard it Through the Grapevine, Marvin Gaye
* Into Temptation, Crowded House
* Don't Lie, Black Eyes Peas
* Careless Whisper, George Michael
* Love Don't Live Here Anymore, Madonna (Massive Attack remix)
* She Don't Have to Know, John Legend

Further suggestions welcome...

2007-07-26T01:21:00.000+10:00

I think the Gods, on a whole, are being quite kind to me. I would have suffered a horrendous breakdown if I had to experience all that I have within a shorter time frame.

There are a lot of little stories I'm saving to share with you all. I have dreams where Luc reads this blog though so I'm still hesitant to write.

Last week was possibly one of the worst I've had to date. It involved some soul destroying images, a debilitating flu and loosing my biggest client.

This week is looking much better. I'm feeling stronger. I've realised that I'm used to making social plans without Luc. Saying that I'm single is becoming easier. I'm learning faith and am trusting my intutition a lot more. And my emotions are settling so I can focus on other things, like running a home and a business.

I'm generally ok, but am still wary of how easy it is for my spirits to be crushed. I'm still coming to terms with my hopes and plans being so cruelly dashed. It deeply disturbs me how I've repeated my mother's history of being with someone who can so easily lead a deceitful double life.

And I hate how I miss Luc. I miss the affection, the security I've felt for the last seven years. I miss building something wonderful with someone kind, loving and considerate. I miss laughing with him. I miss our potential and keep wondering who it was I knew.

I have flash-backs to things Luc has said to me over the years... How he's incapable of cheating, how he'd rather leave me than cheat, how building a family with me is the most important thing to him and how leaving a legacy for our kids and their kids to enjoy, even if we don't get to, would be his greatest achievement.

Have I been so easy to manipulate?

I've decided that there aren't "types" of people who are more prone to certain behaviours over others. We are all capable of doing horrendous things, it's whether we make the choice and allow ourselves the freedom.

My lawyer called me today on a personal note to see if I'm doing ok. He was worried about me and called just to say hello and to see how I am. I can't remember the last time a man (friend or otherwise) called me to see if I'm ok. I was touched but felt pathetic and oh so vulnerable.

2007-07-16T10:13:00.000+10:00

I've started to feel paranoid, worrying that someone I know will read my last post and that all of my plans will be ruined. So, I've taken it offline.

Regular readers email me if you want it and I'll send it through to you....

xoxoxox

2007-07-15T20:30:00.000+10:00

i admit i felt pretty cocky after my last post. almost sophisticated. luc and i had everything sorted. we were separated but friendly. civil.

and then he went away for work and our bank account password mysteriously changed. he was in consistent contact while away. long telephone calls where he admitted that it wasn't me at all. he was delusional and desperately wanted our family back. he wanted me back. had thought of me the whole 12 hour drive to melbourne and back again.

i was furious but soften. that is, until i managed to hack my way back into our account and discovered hotel bills. thousands taken out in cash. i festered and then confronted him. he lied until i absolutely cornered him. he was in sydney the whole time. we live 10 minutes away from the city. i was absolutely livid. he blamed me for everything - apparently i'm too crazy and don't appreciate people's need for alone time. i knew it was a lie and felt despondent.

so i followed my gut and the bread crumbs. hacked my way into his email account. found the very expensive hotel bill. saw the hotel reservation was for two adults. and then found another email account a few messages down, opened in another, related name. hacked my way into that one too. so much for internet security.

and every single email was from her. another woman. younger. asian. canadian.

i read every note. i saw the pictures of them together. realised there were pictures sent that he had taken while i was sitting across from him. saw their vancouver property searches.

those long nights at work were something very, very different.

i realised he had taken money from our shared bank account to pay for her flights from canada to visit him here. our money paid for their hotel rooms, for their dinners and gifts. he has spent close to $10,000 on this and i have to fight to get our rent paid.

i've known for four days now and he has no idea that i do.

there are so many details that i wish i could write of, but i feel utterly broken. after seven years and a child together... i feel so humiliated.

my plan so far has been to stay strong, wait out the next four months, get financially sorted and then reveal the betrayal in spectacular fashion. but i'm finding this so, so hard.

2007-07-04T18:54:00.000+10:00

I've thought about updating this blog often but seem to work better on a personal level and prefer writing letters to close friends. The other half of the issue is that I'm well and truly tired of talking and thinking about my relationship with Luc.

*Sigh*

After a number of bitter conversations, stress about Hugo and a near break down from yours truly, I organised for Luc and I to have dinner to amicably discuss our situation. This was around two weeks ago. Amazingly we were able to do this and decide the following:

* We would stay separated until the end of our lease in December. This will give him adequate time to think about what he wants (me - yes or no), I'll do the same and try to financial sort myself out and we'll both be around for Hugo

* Hugo comes first so we're going to try and be friends during this period so our home doesn't suck ass for everyone here

* He doesn't have to avoid home as it really has an adverse affect on Hugo

* He'll financially support us all until we decide to move

During dinner he commented about how clear I am in my thinking. I guess that's one of the hardest thing about this situation; I've always been like this, he's the one on the emotional rollercoaster.

Anyway, I'm surprised to report that we've been able to stick to all of these agreements. There's absolutely no affection or romance between us, but we've actually been nice to each other for the past two weeks. Our new aupair (who is truly amazing) doesn't even know that we're apart (I prefer this as it's none of her business and maintains a civil boundary at home). Sometimes we even joke about our situation. I'm not sure how healthy this is, it seems to work for now.

So all this sounds like roses, doesn't it? I have to admit that I'm working really hard to try and maintain this. I'm still broken hearted, still angry and disappointed, at times really depressed but I've decided to move on and try to do what's best for all of us. I'm slowly getting used to time alone and organising social stuff without him. It means more dance classes (I need them for the outlet). More time for work, for myself. I've started shaving my legs again. I take my time when putting on make up. I do my nails. I can't get enough of Amy Winehouse. I don't baby him. I laugh more. I feel less guilt.

He goes away tomorrow morning for at least two weeks for work. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

i'm ok

2007-07-02T00:37:00.000+10:00

just thought to let you know

the break up blog

2007-06-16T21:51:00.000+10:00

my only company tonight is the rain. i can hear its echo and the movement of cars driving outside. the house is dimly lit and although this is a blissful time of solitude and silence, i feel quietly panicked.

hugo is sleeping and i'm online to google parental separation and its effects on a two and a half year old boy. hugo can definitely sense something is wrong and he's been a clingy and angry child over the past couple of weeks. mum was looking after him last night and called me today, worried as she saw so much anger in him, anger that was never there before. she said that she overheard him talking to himself last night (this was when he was upset after i had left) and he was livid and yelling things like 'go away, i don't want you here, i don't like this' and he was then trying to push mum away, which is something he's never done before either. he's never said this kind of stuff before. he's usually sooky when i leave but perks up a minute or so later.

he's started to really fear abandonment too. he's ok when it's just the two of us at home or when harry is staying over (which i'm encouraging more now that luc is away). but when luc is around, he has to be in the same room as me, whether i'm cleaning or taking a shower. he really freaks out if i'm not within sight. there are other things i've noticed too, like he wants to act like a baby more often, doesn't want to feed himself anymore and wants me to feed him instead, wants to drink his bottle all the time, wants to hold my breast if he's upset or insecure (which is unfortunately quite often) and he's already started to talk about monsters, which i was surprised at and think could signify fear and insecurity.

hugo still consistently asks for his dad but when he is around, hugo's angry and stroppy towards him. luc has always been a loving and attentive father with hugo and this is perhaps the hardest aspect of this situation - i can handle the personal rejection, but it's the rejection i feel towards hugo and 'us' as a family that upsets me the most. luc rarely plays with hugo. he has a short attention span and is eager to 'put on a show' to pass the time. he doesn't react well when hugo is upset or angry - he yells back, threatens time out and doesn't take suggestion from me lightly in this area. the time he spends at home dimishes by the day. 'home' is now a place for him to simply sleep, shower, occassionally surf the internet, collect his things and go. he's rude whenever i try to talk to him. i try not to let this bother me, but know that i'm a decent person and have done nothing towards him to make him consistently behave such a horrid asshole.

i read an article today that said that hugo will be grieving, just as i am and that deeply hurts me. despite the good and bad days, i feel such a heavy and overwhelming loss and the fact that my innocent and beautiful boy is experiencing this too upsets me to no end. i wish i could bear the pain for him.

after researching and working out my finances i simply cannot afford to move out right now. we still have five months left on our lease and i'll need this time to figure out whether i can continue with my company or will need to give it up for a full time job. as much as i really want to, i don't think it would be wise, in the long term, to just up and leave right now.

and i think i can really focus on this now that we have a new au-pair too. luc encouraged me to get another one (to justify him not being around and to support his decision to go away for a few weeks) and i think i hit the jackpot this time. she's only three years younger than me so she's more like a housemate than a teenage daughter. the difference is amazing. she's just been an au-pair in the US for two children so she's sooooo good with hugo. we have similar interests and i'm looking forward to focusing more on moving forward. luc wasn't around a lot when our last au-pair was here, but hugo didn't feel the brunt of it as much as there was always someone else here. i'm hoping that this new au-pair will help him feel more grounded. hugo's taken to her really well so far.

i haven't told her that luc and i are separated as the situation is still so tender and i don't want her to feel like she's caught in the middle of it. i think it will also help to create some solid boundaries, which i think are needed. they're forcing luc to behave less like a brat as he doesn't like to loose face. i do want to explain hugo's behaviour though, so i think i'll tell her that he hasn't been reacting well to luc's absence lately at leave it as that.

soooo, i'm reading that i should encourage activities that help hugo express his emotions. painting and physical activities are good. so is time with harry as he's the same sex as luc. i should maintain our routine and allow for a bit of babying, but must set clear limits and boundaries and not over compensate by allowing things i normally wouldn't. i also plan to track down some books that will emphasise how much we love him and will always be there for him, despite the changes (as there will be more to come).

i also plan on also organising a coffee catchup with luc (outside of our home environment) where i can talk to him about all of this. i don't know what's going on in his head, but I need to at least tell him of the effects of his actions - from one parent to another.

i'm open to any other tips or advice....

I'm ready

2007-06-14T09:40:00.000+10:00

I know there will be good days and unpleasant ones, but yesterday I felt positive and didn't cry and I think it was quite a breakthrough after months of misery.

The sadness is still there, but quieter now. I'm spending lots of my mental energy building up strength, praying and reminding myself of all the positives, like:

* I can re-build my life as I want, on my terms;

* I can be rid of Luc's bad financial decision-making and his weak social skills;

* I don't have to sit around every night watching tv. It's his favourite thing to do, he used to guilt me into sitting there as our "time together to relax", which was ok, but I like to be active and found myself still watching it every night, even when he wasn't around. Now I play with Hugo before his bedtime, we listen to music, read or draw, and if he's asleep then I call friends or catch up on bits of housework, read or write and reflect. It's refreshing;

* I don't want to hold onto his thoughts about me as my own - I know that I'm still attractive but think that I'm more than that too. You wouldn't go for me if you just wanted someone pretty to look at, I'm far too fiesty, knowledge and inspiration hungry and cheeky for that and have always wanted more for myself than that too. I don't want to forget this within all his rejection;

* I'm hopeful that I'll find someone else. I don't want another relationship any time soon, but I'm looking forward to being with someone who I'm a little more compatible with. This experience has made me realise that I do want to get married, have a big family (whether biologically or through adoption) and that although I want to be really successful, I don't want to focus purely on materialistic things. There needs to be a spiritual connection too, which I feel my union with Luc has lacked; and

* I've had Hugo at a young age (25), so there's time for me to find someone and still have more children. Chloe has friends that went through what I am at 38 or 40 and they couldn't have any more babies by the time they found another partner. I hope this won't be the case for me, whatever age I am.

I always fear that I'm sounding corny, but I am clutching onto any good news I receive and am keeping even the small stuff top of mind. If a campaign for work is moving along successfully, then I remind myself of that success everyday, for days. If Hugo eats a good dinner then I am thankful, if I remember to move my car in a parking zone and avoid a fine, then I'm ecstatic. When a friend (Drew) buys me the most beautiful looking poppies I've ever seen, then that keeps me uplifted. If Hugo plays quietly, giving me extra time to make some work calls, then my day is made.

After months of sitting here on the couch, crying and wondering whether Luc will be coming home and being heartbroken over of his words and actions, I'm ready to rebuild my confidence and my hopes on new ones.

I'm ready to be happy.

2007-06-12T22:34:00.000+10:00

At first the sadness invaded my nights. I'm an easy target in the dark, sitting here alone, watching the telly or playing with Hugo and his toys. I'm still getting used to how two dimensional my life feels now that Luc is rarely around. Our space remains hollow.

Hugo misses his Dad. He's even making up stories as to why he's not around. Sometimes he wakes when I'm putting him to sleep and wants to know where Luc is. He disagrees when I say he's at work. Hugo thinks Luc is out buying him presents.

I bawl every damn day. Who thought I had so many tears? I'm tired of my grief but feel there's still so much inside.

Luc is like a ghost in our house. I still smell him in our bed. His clothes mixed in with mine. His stupid gym towels. This aftershave. He still leaves his shoes in the hallway, his razors all over the bathroom vanity, his cereal bowls on the counter. Still half full of Cherio flavoured milk.

I went to work today, the fresh air shocking me back into the world outside of my four walls and found that the sadness never leaves. It shamelessly lurks in my shadow. I experience brief moments of freedom when contemplating work, new business proposals or media angles but am then shocked into the realisation all over again.

His heart is no longer mine.

It's over.

2007-06-10T14:36:00.000+10:00

This last week has felt significant. It's been nearly two weeks since Luc verbally expressed unhappiness and his behaviour since has been truly abhorable. The average time he was coming home was around midnight, Hugo doesn't really spend any quality time with him and he simply does not want to be accountable to me in any way (he's actually said this to me to).

I told Amelia our situation on Friday night. It's too hard for me to pretend anymore. We're pretty close to her and Kian so she was shocked and instantly went home to share the news. Kian was upset that it took so long to tell him and came over straight away with a bottle of wine and some take away Thai. On his way though, he also called Luc and said that he wanted to candidly chat to us both and get everything out in the open. Making me wait was unfair, especially as he's not around for Hugo and is leaving me to do everything. They came over at around 8.30pm and left at 11.30pm. I knew Luc wouldn't take it well and was right. He never came home that night.

He stayed away the whole night and didn't call. I finally got through at around 3.30pm the next day and he said he stayed with a friend drinking for most of the night. He didn't feel I had a right to be angry. It was only one night. He later came home around dinner time after chatting with Kian. I tried to talk to him but he wasn't in the mood so I said today had to be the day.

It's 3.10pm and Luc and I have just finished the conversation. Hugo is next to me, playing with his favourite trucks, unaware, the movie Cars is playing in the background and Luc has just left, wearing my favourite smell almost with cruelty, gone to get some coffee and to think.

This is so hard. I haven't been happy but my word, I really wanted a life with him. I wanted marriage, babies, old age - the lot. I feel so crushed. So broken.

The hardest thing for me to come to grips with is that we're parting because he's no longer attracted me. Said he hasn't been for years (even before Hugo was around)... I feel like an unattractive fool. I feel deceived. He can't explain the times that we have been intimate. There's a lot he can't explain.

The conversation was difficult. I was angry, rejected and emotional and he sat there the whole time, calm and composed. This feels so unfair, I always come across as the crazy one.

And even though I feel such crushing emptiness, I'm relieved as there is finally a resolution. I can move forward, I'm no longer in limbo, waiting, alone.

We have officially separated.

Lists are good for the night

2007-06-07T22:48:00.000+10:00

there are certain things one must do when alone at home with a child. i've been going insane. the loneliness and expectation unbearable.

don't get me wrong. i'm totally ok to be by myself but this is different. the average time for luc to come home this week has been midnight and i find myself anticipating every sound near the door, jumping at every phone call, text message or email, thinking that it may be him.

but it rarely is.

we reached a new low today after he called to argue as he didn't have enough money to buy a new suit (a new hugo boss suit, outright). the money wasn't there because i paid our bills and rent, and not because of anything extravagent for myself. our discussion was long and bitter and even though i'm fairly cool now, there are two things about the conversation that can instantly boil my blood:

1. he just has to wait only one week until he can buy the suit

2. he challenged me to go out and make as much money as he does (the context being that i can't - not that i believe it)

i've tried to stay open to a reconciliation but admit that as each day passes, so does my patience. yesterday he actually told me that i had 'let go of my game lately'. when i asked him to expand on exactly how i had done that, he couldn't elaborate. during the first few years of our relationship we couldn't even say 'shut up' to each other. name calling or swearing was unheard of. it hurts to see how these boundaries have been worn down to nothing.

i've told my family and my really close friends about the situation. it's been liberating to finally admit what's really going on (i think that's what has changed the most since last writing here - those around me actually know what's going on).

chloe and i have already discussed business changes to accommodate my new life. my brother and sister and thinking of moving in with me for support. mum might join us next year.

i'm trying not to close the door but it's hard when he's not making any effort.

Resurfacing

2007-06-04T18:17:00.000+10:00

It only took a month and here I am again.

To be honest, I've been quite happy away from this blog. Things were shiny and clean and I started writing more frequently on another blog I've had for a couple years for family and friends. I liked what I was writing and I was getting great feedback from fam around the globe.

I have no idea whether people still read or check this blog. Nevertheless, I hope this can be a safe place where I can air my thoughts and get the response and advice of some well-wishing readers.

Sooooooo, for the past month or so, Luc has been really distant. He's been distant for longer than this, I guess to the point where I can't remember when we were last really close. But now he's never home, he work backs late every night, gets home on average, at around 9-10pm, then stays on his computer playing video games, chatting with friends or doing "more work". He doesn't want to talk, there's absolutely no physical interaction (no hugs, kisses, brushing of hands over limbs or even holding of hands) and whenever I've raised the subject of distance, he's defensive, accuses me of being too sensitive or having too many issues and I then succumb, feeling needy and pathetic. He's not here when I wake up and he goes to bed after I do or takes Hugo to bed and leaves me awake, alone at night. I've been lonely and miss my partner.

To make matters worse, we haven't been able to find another au-pair. It's winter here and this time of year tends to clash with the graduation schedules in places throughout Europe so we're up against at least another three great families for every single au-pair that comes through. We've even trialed one who absolutely wasted a week of my time before deciding that the job wasn't for her (insulting me on the way out, which was hurtful and unnecessary). So on top of running a growing agency of four staff with a eight month pregnant business partner, I'm doing absolutely all the housework, groceries, bills, laundry and looking after Hugo full time. I'm not really coping. Luc does nothing.

So I've managed to arrange an agreement with my brother, who comes over two days a week to look after Hugo. This at least gives me time to get some proper work done. I'm just managing to keep everything in control. Day cares centres around here have a six month waiting list. Pre-schools are even worse. I'm totally stuck.

So last week we were into week four without an au-pair and I was close to burn out. Luc still wasn't around so before he left for work I said that I couldn't do this anymore and asked if we could chat about our relationship as it just isn't working. We've been doing the same thing for nearly a year now - a few good months then a really bad week where everything nearly falls apart and then it's back to normal again. And I'm stupid and soft and give in to his occassional niceties, clinging onto hope, confusion consistently lingering.

I was later at Chloe's house (as Harry was looking after Hugo) and Luc came online and told me OVER MESSENGER that he'd like to go away alone for a few weeks to work out whether he still wants to be in our relationship. He was stressed with work and needed to wait until his current project ends, but for the first time admitted things aren't right. He wasn't sure if he could give me the friendship, love and partnership I need and needed to get away from everything to clear his mind and figure things out.

It was at this point that I fell apart. I bawled to Chloe. Went home and drank some wine and was distraught that after seven years, he would tell me this over MSN.

Fast forward to the weekend and he was being totally passive agressive. He made plans with me (optional plans with friends) that he cancelled at the last minute, leaving me in the lurch... twice. He couldn't be bothered to leave on time to pick me up from dance class (after offering to drive me in) and left me outside in the cold for an hour and I'm subsequently fighting off a cold. He later needed to go and work from the office, but when I called to see if he could pick up some milk, he was having coffee with friends. I've asked if he's having an affair and he flat-out right denies it, even though this is classic affair behaviour.

So yesterday I said we were over. We then had an honest conversation where he said that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore, isn't attracted to me anymore and thinks that he's been this way for years - even before Hugo was born, doesn't want to marry me, but isn't sure. Which is why he still needs to go away. Because even though he says all of this, he still cares for me and things could work out - he just isn't sure. He then told me to 'put my attitude in check' when I felt mad and disappointed.

Today he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have more children. Later he asked what was for dinner and wanted a positive house environment as the current one is bringing him down.

I am so confused. There are further details I've either forgotten or can't be bothered sharing in this makeshift summary of events. But, one thing I have determined is that I've been unhappy and need to decide what I'm going to do as well. I feel I deserve more than this and unsure whether I should wait the six weeks Luc wants to decide whether he still wants 'in' on this relationship.

My gut is usually strong and my intiution keen, but am confused. At times I feel I should wait it out and give this every chance that I can as it surely deserves it, but then I get so mad and wonder whether he can give me what I need, which I don't feel is a lot.

I managed to sleep last night by picturing myself in a happy relationship - lying in bed and cuddling, sharing good conversations, laughing, cooking together - the man didn't have a face and it worked, except that my visions were consistently muddled with black and white shots of Luc and I getting married. Candid shots of family and of the life we have built together over the past seven years.

The only way I'm getting through this is to think that if Luc and I separate, then it's a chance for me to re-build my life as I want it. And if we get back together, then we'll be stronger.

Anyone know a good psychic?

who is kazumi baker?

2007-05-06T00:21:00.000+10:00

I realised tonight that I've had this blog for three years and a few extra days. Wow.

I was reading through some old entries tonight and although I feel really attached to this body of writing, I don't think I can continue anymore.

There's so much I want to share here, but it's become too taxing. I made the mistake of using someone's real name (which was googled and linked back here) and shared this address with a few people that I wanted develop a closer relationship with, and well, they were both mistakes.

As a result, there are people who know me that read this and it bothers me that they do now, mainly because the relationship is not reciprocal. I don't know their private thoughts and feelings and this is too much power. It's too intrusive.

What's kept me blogging for so long is how compelled I often feel to write and the loyal bloggers who in turn, read and comment.

I admit I'm in a real state of confusion and depression. I don't know the direction I should take (in regards to a few major different aspects) and think I'll finally seek some professional help with finding my way.

It almost seems fitting that my last post is one where I'm unhappy and in search of another path. Much like my first post.

bada boom

2007-04-30T22:44:00.000+10:00

I remember the first moment I saw the film "As Good As It Gets". My heart sank the moment Jack Nicolson's characters stormed out of his therapist's office and said to those in the waiting room "what if this is as good as it gets?" And although it's one of my favourite movies, I felt the gasp that one of the characters in that room made in response to that question.

I've struggled with seeing myself happy lately. Over the past seven years my life has been crowded with sad and dramatic events and part of me is fearful to want anything more. I can sit with this sadness. It's predictable, almost controllable. Happiness is distracting and fleeting.

I don't like talking about my sadness or depression here sometimes, especially because I'm happy on paper. I've been with Luc for nearly seven years, Hugo is beautiful, happy and healthy, I have the opportunity to build my own business with a wonderful partner, we have an au-pair for daily support. I have friends. We rent a place that overlooks the water. We have two cars, a big tv. This should equate to a heartfelt smile, yes?

But I'm missing the fireworks and the notion that my life is progressing excitedly forward. And I miss the feeling that I'm really connected to other people who will notice if I'm not around everyday. Or not even that dramatic - people who just like being around me and think of me.

When I was a young girl, I remember my mother and our old neighbours talking about the 'making the most of the life that you've picked' and wonder whether should this now apply to me. Are my expectations totally unrealistic? Do fireworks simply blind you from the harshness of reality and mundaneness of daily life?

I feel like I'm in a rut. I'm having trouble sleeping again and I don't know what I can do to get myself out of it. Sometimes I don't care either. I really don't want to be dramatic. I'm not dying. I guess I just feel like getting this out there.

2007-04-27T01:53:00.000+10:00

Our current au-pair is a nineteen year old girl from Germany and even though she's leaving us in just over two week's time, I think we've bonded a lot over the last few weeks.

One thing I enjoy about this au-pair experience is the sense that I can be a bit of positive influence on these younger girls. I had a very rewarding experience with our last au-pair. When Rachael left us, she wrote a touching card about how living with us had changed her life, raised her confidence and helped her through some heavy issues she was working through. We're still in contact and I just love the communication.

Anyway, the down-side of the experience is that sometimes I feel like I've have gained a temperamental teenage daughter. She's living away from home (for the first time) and sees me as a bizarre mixture of mother and boss. Clear boundaries need to be set and consistently re-inforced and sometimes it's just not fun (though I'm trying to approach it as practice for the future). I'm learning how someone's upbringing affects their relationships. I'm not sure whether it's a generational thing or a matter of upbringing, but the younger girls are more about the 'take' than the 'give' and want everything and anything immediately. Or am I just getting older here?

Now that Susi's approaching the end of her trip, she's totally freaked out about the amount of weight she's gained while living in Australia, but instead of exercising and eating healthy meals, she's taken to just eating one meal a day. This has been going on for nearly two weeks now and is starting to stress me out.

I've had a number of conversations with her. I did the same thing when I was her age, so I tried explaining the devastating effects this has, long-term, on her body and its metabolism. I tried suggesting a number of small meals or snacks throughout the day vs. one big meal at the end and even said that if she wanted quick and effective weight loss, that there were more effective ways of doing it, but nothing I'm saying is having any effect on her. She doesn't need to be so drastic but wants to return home tanned and skinny and laughs off my efforts, insisting on continuing with this stupidity.

Luc tells me that I shouldn't bother or care, but I'm finding it hard to do this. I'm starting to wonder how I can effectively communicate the negativity of her self-inflicted actions? She mentions it almost daily so do I starve the attention (she's shamelessly used to an abundance of attention from her parents)? Do I just dismiss it as something most girls go through as stick with the positive re-inforcements?

Any suggestions??

There's no 'mum' in 'team'

2007-04-26T23:50:00.000+10:00

Two weeks ago I went to work from Chloe's house. It was a Thursday, which meant that her beautiful little boy wasn't in day care so I brought Susi and Hugo with me. Susi was going to look after the boys and we were going to (try and) get as much work done as possible.

Our crew arrived, armed with Hugo's potty, snacks, drinks and extra toys (as other people's toys are always better than your own). We said hello to Nic, our new bookkeeper and her gorgeous five month old daughter, hi-fived our new Account Coordinator Monique and her cute 18-month old son, Ali arrived soon after with her divine two year old (who joined our boys in the back playing with trucks and trains) and we conferenced in a former colleague, Kate, to discuss a new business proposal while her eleven month old had her afternoon nap.

Some of our clients have no idea that our whole team currently consists of mothers (we don't hide it, it just doesn't come up). This hasn't been a conscious decision either. It's just the way things have turned out.

While chatting with our team on different occassions I've noticed that:

We're all talented and ambitious women who held senior positions in reputable organisations before falling pregnant
Despite trying, none of us could find a respectable position that would cater to our new lifestyle - only full time or occassional work was offered
We all want a balanced lifestyle that ideally incorporates playgroup, swimming lessons and trips to the zoo alongside meetings, creative pitches and time in the office - and because of this, we get work done really effectively and efficiently
When our kid is sick, we band as a team to get the work done. There's grace and emphathy. There's no guilt and the Client rarely knows the difference as the job gets done
And we all make it work. Calls are conducted during nap times, writing is done at night or during naps, we're flexible for people to work from home or from the office when care can be arranged, as long as the work gets done, and manage it all via the great technology on hand - instant messager, conference calling, emailing, SMS.......

In 2004, the Australian Treasurer, Peter Costello made the memorable statement of: "If you can have children, you should have one for your husband and one for your wife and one for the country."

Yet this country doesn't really support mothers in the workforce, especially when it comes to basics like materity leave and child care. I recently spoke to a friend who was leaving full time work as a journalist to freelance from home as his wage literally paid for the child care bills.

And then there's the common mis-conception that, as a woman, your life (and career) is over once you have children. This used to annoy me to no-end when I was pregnant. Why should my life be over? If I want my life to be great after giving birth, then I will do everything in my power to make it so.

I understand the culture of traditional organisations doesn't cater to the modern 'stay-at-home career woman' yet I just don't understand why this is so. I know it takes trust, flexibility and imagination to make it work, but it's surely worth it as the current situation wastes so much talent, brains, skill and expertise.

In response to this, most of my girlfriends are becoming freelancers, commanding an hourly rate and in control of the jobs they take on and the hours they work. And it means we're attracting all these brilliant people to work with. We're pretty determined to make it work, not only to prove that we can, but also because we desperately want the best of both worlds - career AND motherhood.

I love days when all the kids are in the office. Sure they're a little more chaotic and we don't get as much 'solid' work done, but I love being able to hold Nic's young bella while brainstorming a campaign idea, playing ball with the boys inbetween tasks, comforting one child while his mother is on the phone and being able to share lunch all together. Life feels full on those days and intrinsically good.

I hope that despite the traditional workplace, more and more career-minded mums will band together like us to create a working arrangement that can tick all the boxes. And I hope we all become damn successful too.

Blog Hunting

2007-04-26T12:00:00.000+10:00

Can anyone recommend some new blogs for this inspiration-hungry gal to read??

Things that I could've, but haven't revealed here yet

2007-04-25T01:21:00.000+10:00

1. I am hopelessly addicted to the Gilmore Girls. The witty banter, the lovable characters and sugary sweet story lines... Susi got us onto the show, and when I write "us", yes, Luc shamelessly watches as well. Hugo even knows how to say "Rory". I hope it never ends. We've bought seasons 1-6 and are suffering from major withdrawals as season seven isn't available here yet. Nothing Amazon can't help...

2. Luc and I are thinking of relocating to London. We're pretty sick of Sydney and Luc can also make a respectable wage there as a contractor. We'd be much closer to his side of the family and the Scottish half of mine (and I guess the 'rest of the world'). I've always wanted to go to Scotland, perhaps to muster some kind of connection to that part of my heritage as I look so Asian. I feel that part of the world drawing us in.

We're thinking of either moving there permanently or seriously saving and coming back with enough funds to make a mortgage more managable here. The only thing holding me back is my business. Which I really do love. We're going to give our current life a year, during which we will do a lot of research, and if we're still over it by then we'll move. It will be an easier decision if my cousin D. decides to move there as well...

3. The young Wolf and I are officially night owls. It's 1.30am and we're still comfortably awake. Part of me feels very guilty (as we're waking up pretty late), but it's so much fun. Tonight we slow danced to Diana Krall, I taught him how to recognise the sound of different instruments (drums, piano, guitar, flute, etc), he brushed my hair while we watched tv, we made up pretend instruments in the kitchen, rubbed bellies and he told me that he loves me 'so much'. Tomorrow we're going to yum cha with Mum and Harry. Yum yum! And then we're meeting with another au-pair as Susi's leaving in three weeks.

4. Dad called me for my birthday. I missed the call, but on his message he said that he wanted to meet and talk through things. He's re-locating to Thailand in a few months and I know that I may never see him again but I can't bring myself to do it. And it bothers me how I don't feel bad about that.

Ok. Bed time...

2007-04-24T18:22:00.000+10:00

It seems my hibernation has lasted more than just one afternoon and I cannot work today.

My senses are coocooned by outside's darkness and heavy rain. A light blanket is wrapped around me and I still feel fresh after my recent shower. Hugo is in the bath screaming "Noooooooooo! Nooooo!" while Susi washes his face. Luc is still at work. I have a hunk of beef baking with some winter vegetables in the oven, warm smells are wafting through the apartment.

There is no music. The tv is turned off. All I can hear is the downpour outside, the faithful drone of the oven and the chatter of my son and Susi (face washing now over). Perfection.

I'm tired of work so today has been good. Sometimes I buckle under the pressure of what to do when I have time off. Do I see a movie? Do I attempt the additional cleaning I alway "plan" (cupboards, toy boxes, pantry, fridge)? Do I catch up with friends? Spend that little extra time on those demanding clients?

I love the rain because it justifies my interior tendencies.

2007-04-22T16:46:00.000+10:00

I'm almost hidden in the corner of our living room, surrounded by a mountain of toys and clean laundry, quiety typing. Tired.

The clouds outside are coloured grey and light peach and remind me of a particular hypercoloured t-shirt I lived in as a teen.

Hugo is playing with a variety of trucks on the stairs and Luc's downstairs installing a new sound system in my car. I'm usually in a dance class around now, stretching muscles here, pulling muscles there... but got my times regretably mixed up. I'm still in my dance clothes. Longingly.

Kian and Amelia came over earlier. Luc was out with Hugo and missed most of our conversation. We were all tired. Spirits low. The dark clouds outside reflected our individual moods, even though we weren't complaining.

Our house plans recently fell through. Business has been hard lately. And I'm finding it almost impossible to visualise myself happy and successful.

Luc and I went out for Penelope's birthday on Friday night. The dinner was delicious, but I spent a small portion of the night trying to explain to different people why Luc and I work well as a couple. Friday nights can be generally quite exhausting and we were a little tipsy, but Luc doesn't communicate well, especially with new people. He's ellusive, talks in riddles and short, closed sentences, can't be assed to explain things (like what he does for work) and unnecessarily contradicts lots of what I say. People expressed bewilderment at our union. It was disheartening.

We were supposed to go to a cocktail party held by a client of mine last night (Saturday), but I was almost relieved to discover Hugo had head lice moments before we were to leave. It meant I wouldn't see that side of Luc again.

Treating Hugo's head with medicated hair mousse, then picking and combing out the dead lice and eggs was one of the most disgusting things I've done, but better than dealing with another frustrating social engagement with my unsocial partner.

2007-04-20T11:58:00.000+10:00

birds flying high
you know how i feel
sun in the sky
you know how i feel
reeds driftin' on by
you know how i feel
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life
for me
and i'm feeling good (muse)

the notion of relishing each day is with me. it shimmies on my shoulders as i dance in class, whispers in my ear during discussions with my darling and is ever-present in my growing son as he starts to (woefully) say words the "proper" way.

luc is working from home today and susi has the day off so young wolf is in my domain. i love these days when the house is full of activity and other bodies. plates and coffee cups lazily lie on random tables, the tv is on and i can hear random expressions as they subconsciously escape luc's lips. chuckle. grunt. sighhhh. we make breakfast for lunch and stay in our pjs until strongly pursuaded otherwise. luc has moved his desk upstairs to our living area so he can work while we play. nicely nearby. hugo is navigating a small turquoise truck around his favourite, big fire engine (fire neh-nen in "hugo") and then runs to wee in his nearby potty and i internally burst with pride.

a quick quickie

2007-04-14T11:20:00.000+10:00

Sorry I haven't been in touch a lot lately. I think of some great things to write in this blog almost daily but the ideas never eventuate, billowing around my head until something else quickly consumes me.

Hugo's currently watching tv and Luc is on his way home after his weekly round robbin squash game. I have a business meeting in Bondi with a potential client in an hour. I'm still in my PJs. New business has exhausted us lately. Chloe and I have spent the last 6-8 weeks pitching for a phelthora of new accounts ontop of our current client list and there's still a way to go.

It was my birthday on Thursday. I turned 28. Luc took me to La Sala, which was perfect. The food was spectacular but we were both so tired from work that we almost fell asleep during our short cab ride home at 10pm. Our driver hooning down the wrong way of a one way street soon sorted that out.

Ok. Need to get ready now. Bleh.

thank god for the kindness of strangers!

2007-03-27T08:22:00.000+10:00

Before attending our dance class yesterday, Natasha and I did a spot of shopping our my local mall, Birkenhead Point. After an extensive yet successful search for a pair of lightweight, camel-toe-free track pants, we decided to pick up a bite to eat before going home.

I was just about to launch into the sushi we'd bought (after unsuccessfully offering some to Hugo), when a woman frantically ran up to me, insisting I not to eat the food. Her daughter had eaten from that store earlier in the week and suffered horrendous food poisoning.

And while food poisoning used to excite me with notions of weight loss, we profusely thanked the woman before closing the lunch box lid and returning it to the store.

I just read this article and am oh so thankful to that woman yesterday!! To think I was going to feed some to Hugo!

dinner party r.i.p.

2007-03-26T23:07:00.000+10:00

There's an environmental story nearly every day in the papers and I fear the new inconvient truth is that all this doomsday messaging is producing new kind of everyday 'eco-warrior'.

Yes, you know the type.

You thought tailoring a dinner party was hard enough with all the protein-only, gluten free, organic vegans around - now there's also the ones who'll be looking out for energy efficient light globes, green calico grocery bags and filling our polenta-filled heads with talk of bio-diesel, waste water recycling and how the energy companies aren't really selling efficient products.

And it's when I'm sitting at another one of these fearful events that I really think, "God help us!"

2007-03-26T11:30:00.000+10:00

Well, I did it!

Yesterday Natasha and I went down to the Sydney Dance Company and did a two hour beginners class in hip hop. Walking has taken on a new meaning today. And even though the workout was deliciously painful, I'm comforted with the fact that I still can move my oversized ass.

And that feels like a positive step forward.

Dream on, dreamer

2007-03-24T21:18:00.000+11:00

I've been thinking about dreams a lot lately. The older I get, the more I find myself reflecting on the passions I had when I was younger. I know that I'm by no means old, but I'm not a kid anymore and definitely aware of the years pulling down my skin.

This question of "when to give up on your dreams" was posed on Triple J's Hack program a few weeks ago and I listened, surprisingly captured by what some of the callers were saying. Have any of you given up on a dream? If so, when and why?

One man called in after suffering injuring while preparing for the Olympic Games, another wanted to be famous, one wanted to be an AFL player and all I could think of was my intial plan of becoming a professional dancer.

My high school reunion reminded me of this. I was approached at least 4-5 times during the night by people eager to know whether I still danced. Surprised to hear the questions (as I have such a different life now), I went home, pulled out my dusty graduation book and read that I was "most likely to move overseas and be the Aussie to dance with Janet Jackson" (how embarrassing!). She was the pinacle though...

So why am I here instead of there? I've given this some as I know I was good and had made the right contacts. When I stopped dancing I had just completed another music video clip for Sony and was the only female to be approached by a reputable group of professionally sponsored dancers to join. Most of them weren't from Sydney and were preparing for an upcoming tour of Tokyo. I started preparing with the team but my dedication waned with the excitment of working on my dot com idea.

I don't like having regrets. Perhaps I thought I had plenty of time - I could pursue a back up career, another dream (PR), and then try dancing with those contacts already in place? I've been feeling a little conflicted lately. I'm pretty ambitious and love what I do, but sometimes feel as though I've missed out.

Luc has started to play squash three times a week and I've noticed the difference in his happiness. He loves squash and used to compete in Canada. He's more grounded now, his life seems to have balance. He's making new friends, has more energy and is taking greater care of his health.

Near the end of the Triple J Hack program, a life couch/counsellor (can't remember) brought back the story of the man with professional AFL dreams and questioned whether his dream was to become famous playing AFL, or simply to play the game.

And since then I've been wondering whether my dream wasn't to become a famous dancer (as embarrasing as that is to admit), but just to dance. Fame was attractive when I was a teen, but definitely isn't anymore.

I've wanted to dance again for years but fear the torchure of the classes in my truly out of shape body, the disappointment of seeing my figure in those studio mirrors and having to start right at the bottom again when I'm so competitive.

Talking, thinking, planning and never doing. It's driving me crazy. I wrote this entry over two weeks ago but didn't post it because I was scared of putting this out there and letting myself down.

But friends, I have to do something. I have to do something. I have to do something.

There's a beginners class I've been eyeing out for weeks now and wonder whether I'll have the guts to make the time to go, even though my clothes are old and I'll probably die from the jiggle of my belly knocking me out.

Is anybody out there?

2007-03-20T01:35:00.000+11:00

It's 1.35am.

I've just finished a new business proposal for a meeting we have later this morning. After a couple of tough months (which included a shocking blow for the theiving Australian Tax Office), things seem to be thankfully picking up. It almost scares me though as Chloe has baby no.2 in August, right in time for two high-end restaurant launches.

Mondays are always a little tricky. Hugo tends to be clingy after a long weekend of Mummy madness (I have Fridays off to hang with him) and proof of that is the way he's fallen asleep in sitting position next to me while I work. He refused to go to bed earlier with Luc, who very conveniently let him stay.

He's been asleep here by my side for the last couple of hours, hand resting on my breast for security and comfort. He looks adorable and I'm touched by his dedication to stay by my side.

Just wanted to share that with someone....

2007-03-16T15:57:00.000+11:00

It's just starting to rain outside. Hugo is asleep and Luc is working from home today. He's sitting on the couch across from me, typing. The house is silent, except for the tap, tap, tap of keys and patter of the rain outside.

And despite the fact that he's working and I'm not, this very environment makes me feel so productive. And that's all that matters.

In other matters, the offer we made on the most recent house has been accepted so Luc and I are verifying some financial details before going ahead. We told the agents to leave us alone for a week to figure everything out and the break is liberating. These guys are pushy. I left my phone in the car overnight by accident last week and returned to eight voice messages from them wanting to know an update.

And just when I was getting used to the silence, I received a call from the original agent we dealt with today (actually it was his colleague). Funnily enough the deal that the owners dumped us for has fallen through and they'd still like to sell us the house. He started talking about how I can still have my dream home, my "first love" and I found myself wondering whether I've already moved on. To be honest I'm a little confused and a little spiteful and unsure of what we want. So I'm going to take my time to decide (Luc has already decided the house isn't for us and likes the new one better).

There are lots of other bits and bobs taking place. My brother's started work for me, which I'm really enjoying. My sister has left her agency job to work for the church (!!) and Mum's currently in Taiwan as she broke up with her mysterious boyfriend of three years a few weeks ago (after he kicked her during an argument) and needs some time to think about things. She left pretty suddenly, only giving us a few day's notice and will be gone for at least two months.

I wish she went somewhere else as my grandmother is sick and old and there's no health care system in Taiwan so my aunty and grandmother are shamelessly pressuring her to get back together with psycho boyfriend so she can ship them money. They're telling her that all men are selfish and abusive and she should just deal with it.

She's taken their advice.

Penelope, Charlie and I are catching up on Sunday and I really can't wait. Charlie's married and Penelope's moving in with her boyfriend next week and depsite us all being in committed relationships for years, this will be the first get-together with everyone there. We haven't seen each other for months and in that time Penelope's been to Europe, we've initiated steps to buy a house and I think Charlie and her hubby are moving to London. We'll have a lot to talk about, not to mention a little gossip on another friend of ours who's getting married next month. The man she's getting to married to is 20 years older than her, filthy rich and divorced with two teenaged daughters. She hasn't invited anyone to the wedding, which is taking place next month. It's unfortunately a sad topic for Penelope as this girl was one of her closest friends. I don't understand how you can get married and not want your best friend there, even if she does look like a supermodel.

Anyway, probably should try and do some work while Hugo is asleep....

If at first you don't succeed...

2007-03-12T11:34:00.000+11:00

Luc and I have found another house!!

It's just as good, if not better than the last, and going for the same price!!

I'm trying to keep my hopes and expectations cool this time, but really like this house. I'd be thrilled to buy it.

The place is already vacant, the house has been on the market for well over six months, the owners are desperate to sell and our offer has been made.

No bullshitting this time.

Fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes crossed.

Kazumped

2007-03-10T13:01:00.000+11:00

While chatting to our solicitor this week, she made a comment about how level-headed I was about buying our house. She'd come across many frantic buyers, some who had even wept when they lost the opportunity to buy their dream home.

"Ha! No, that's not me," I explained.

"There are so many houses around and although I love the house we're buying, I'm trying not to become too attached until the papers are signed."

"Well I'm nearly done so let's set a date next week for you and Luc to sign the dotted line," she said.

I'd already planned the changes we wanted to do. New carpets upstairs, polish and varnish (black) the old floor boards underneath the carpets downstairs, white wash the walls (which would look fantastic with the high ceilings) and install a seamless glass pool fence. All the quotes were in, we were ready to roll.h

But I received a phone call yesterday from the estate agent with bad news.

"Someone who saw the house just before you has called in with a higher offer and the owners have accepted it," he said.

I was shocked.

"How can this happen?" I asked. We were set to sign the contract on Monday and you know that I couldn't have done this any sooner!"

After a few heated discussions, I found out that our competitor had bid 14 grand higher than us. We'd have to raise our offer by 15 grand to match his price or loose the house. We've already paid for all of the final inspections (building survey, pest, etc.), and for our solicitor's time.

Luc and I could theoretically match his price but it would cause us some financial stress and I don't think we're willing to do that for a house. We're so disappointed. I know this can typically happen when buying a house, but the owners had already taken the house off the market and we were of the understanding that they weren't talking to anyone else. We wouldn't acted differently if we knew otherwise and would still have this damn house.

I have been devastated since the news. I actually cried yesterday afternoon. I feel so silly but I'm truly heartbroken and feel like I've broken up with a dream of how our lives would be. Although I was playing it cool, in my mind I had already claimed that place as our own. And I thought it was safe to dream all that I did because things were apparently secure.

I must admit that I've been kinda obsessed since this has happened. I've spent hours looking online for more properties. We have two house inspections tomorrow but secretly hope things fall through and we may be able to buy our place afterall.

I spoke to Chloe and Alannah last night and they've both experienced this very thing 3-4 times before finding their home. I remember Jack and Kian also speaking of their negative experiences. No wonder our solicitor has so many anxious clients. This house-buying business is exhausting.

Four walls and a roof

2007-03-06T10:34:00.000+11:00

Luc and I made our final offer on the house last night and guess what.... it's been accepted!!!

We've included a delayed settlement of five months, which suits both parties as it gives us more time to get our shit together and gives them adequate time to find another house.

I'm really excited. The paper work is in the mail so it's nearly a done deal.

I can see us living very happily in this home. Luc and I were pretty freaked out at first as it's such a huge decision but we're getting more and more excited as time goes by.

L.O.V.E

2007-03-05T12:45:00.000+11:00

Can you remember the last time you given a genuine compliment or sincerely encouraged by someone?

If so, do tell...

Romy & Michelle eat your heart out

2007-03-01T23:16:00.000+11:00

After months of anticipation, nightly commitments to diet the next day and borderline obsessive thoughts about outfits, former flames and friendships, the Friday night fluttered in and so began my 11 year high school reunion.

The friend who was supposed to stay with us decided at the last minute not to offend her cousin (who lives in our old 'hood) so I met up with, Emilie (who I actually didn't hang out with back in the day), and Luc drove us out west.

Emilie was part of the very popular crowd of girls who all the popular boys either dated or wanted to date. A gorgeous Greek lass with beautifully large eyes and an infectious grin, Emilie was never pretentious, spoke softly and was someone whose company was always comfortable and enjoyable.

I was so thankful for the car ride as it gave me an opportunity to catch up on insider goss, share anxious excitment, affirmations on outfits and hair and even a bitchy session about how our dealings with Dylan are so similar. It was a relief. I also found out that all of Emilie's "friends" from high school have treated her very poorly since our school days and she's not in touch with any of them anymore.

This was going to be an interesting night.

We arrived at the 2.5 star hotel around 45 minutes after the event began. When Emilie and I opened the car door, we heard screams from a group smoking out front. They were the popular, outspoken and pretty wog* girls I used to hang out with, who all have children now, at least three. They all come from extremely strict families, were WILD outside of this environment and always good fun. And even though Emilie and I haven't seen eachother since graduating, they all exclaimed how similar we looked ("oh my gawd, youse look like, exactly the same!") - the city girls were back out west for the reunion.

Seeing everyone happened in two stages. First was the large group of smokers situation at the bar. Nearly all of them were my old friends. Scrags. There were lots of laughs and hugs and expressions of bewilderment and then we eagerly entered 'the room'.

The experience mirrors being selected from a game show audience to go up on stage. The vultures were situated either at the bar at one end of the bare room or the door way near the other, all eagerly awaiting fresh meat. Absolutely all eyes were on anyone new who walked through the door.

Now for some observations.

I must say that although most people were fatter, few thinner, some quieter and mostly all drunk, everyone, with the exception of two looked so remarkably the same. I merrily bestowed drinks upon anyone who said I looked the same and offers of eternal loyalty were presented to the shocked observers who shamelessly looked me up and down before proclaiming that I couldn't be a mother. I know they were all drunk, shut up already.

Nearly all the guys were married (hello!?) but most of them were actively pursuing something. I had offers of an affair, had to jokingly bitch-slap another father of four who tried to joking touch my breast during a man boob conversation, rebuked another who actually followed me around despite his pregant wife (also from our year) sitting right there, but the best was from Emilie, who had to navigate her way out of a situation where an old flame (and married father of two) claimed he only came to see her and see if they could have a future together. And he was serious.

I hung out a lot with Matt, the only gay guy in the village, partly because he's so damn funny but also out of a motherly instinct of protection. Some guys were so shitty towards him. There were some who shyed away giving subtle looks, but then others who said comments like, "Hey Matt, good to see you, I hear you like it up the ass now". What assholes. At one point we left the party and sat in the deserted restaurant area of the hotel. He was so brave, even the morning after the event, when he returned back to his car, which had suffered broken lights, dented doors and a broken mirror.

I think the thing that struck me the most about the night was how little we've all changed and the thing that most represented this was the end of the night. Yes, there was an actual fight. Stupid, drunken men. One guy got upset at another for calling him a cunt in year seven (yes, 16 years ago). He was Aussie, the other guy Italian and so began the last of our Wog and Aussie fights. The arguments started in the bar, guys holding each other back, lots of yelling and movement and in amongst it all, our school captain vomitting behind them over a table and chair. Emilie's devoted father of two left with another former sweetheart as her original ride left without her...

The argument continued in the carpark once the hotel closed. Punches were exchanged. The two men leading the two sides both married someone from our year, both women were ironically pregnant, holding onto their large girths, shouting abuse at their immature partners, how could they be such babies then they were about to father one... Guys were frantically running between people, there were a few people trying to calm everyone down, but they soon gave up. We left when the wogs started calling their cousins in. Escaped in a cab, shocked and happy to be driving far, far away.

My only regret is that I should've created my tshirt. It was going to contain the juicy bits of my life from the last ten years to save time but after realising that nearly every chick was planning to wear jeans, a singlet or dressy top and heels, chose to wear a short shift dress instead. If I could do it all over again, I would, except the back would read "And if this all ends in an all out brawl, my money's on the wogs"

* Anyone who grew up where I did uses terms like 'wogs' in a very simply matter-of-fact way, with plenty of pride

Trust

2007-02-27T17:42:00.000+11:00

We put in an offer for the house today but later discovered the owners have officially taken it off the market! They thought it was best after four months without an offer.

How strange. The agent thought it was madness.

Nevertheless they considered our amount and rejected it. I actually met the owners on Saturday and vividly recall one of them claiming the house was in good shape and didn't need much work.

I think they're delusional as the carpets are old, filthy and worn, the kitchen is dated with old appliances, kitchen tiles are mostly cracked, the pool doesn't even have a safety fence (which isn't even legal!), there are no built-in wardrobes in four of the bedrooms, the driveway is cracked, etc etc.

The agent is getting back to us with their negotiated price....

And in other news, our old place went to auction and is sold. Although it's a gorgeous home, I'm so glad we didn't buy it!

2007-02-25T23:44:00.000+11:00

Trying to manage your expectations when looking to buy a house is a tricky thing.

Luc and I will be making an offer on a great five bedroom abode with three living areas and a pool this week.

Fingers, arms, legs, toes crossed.

Say it's so!

2007-02-19T11:39:00.000+11:00

Despite coming home to a horrid house full of dirty dishes, pizza boxes, and ANTS (gasp!) with a son who's decided that he only wants his mother's company (no one can currently come near me or do anything for him), a mobile phone that's been disconnected (Chloe forgot to pay our bill), bearing an appropriately infected middle finger (cuticle)..... it all disolved when I heard news that Project Runway is coming to Australia and that... wait for it..... the supermodel who's rumoured to host the show is none other than..... KATE MOSS!!

Must. learn. To. Sew. Now.....!!!

Holi-day!!!

2007-02-09T22:46:00.000+11:00

We leave bright and early tomorrow for a week of nothingness, living it up in an apartment by the beach with Mum, Natasha and Harry right there to look after Hugo. I cannot wait. But it's just past 10pm, Hugo has a temperature, I've lost my voice from sickness and have yet to wash a load of laundry (my own clothes) before packing our shit up. Then there's briefly tidying the house so I don't come back to mouldy dishes in the sink. I'm really contemplating the notion of taking dirty clothes (in a separate bag) as our holiday abode has an internal laundry...

I'm really looking forward to this escape. I feel that I need one. Really, completely, desperately. Chloe and I found out this week that we didn't win two accounts that we pitched for, which we really felt we had in the bag. They both took a lot of preparation. It was very disappointing and hard because we're not used to not winning. And although I love him, I'm happy that Luc's only staying for a few days (he has to work). Breathing space is required.

And there's further good news because we've found a house that we completely adore!!!!!! It has five bedrooms, an office, a gorgeous yard, three living areas and a pool! I know, amazingly large!! And because it's a little run down, it's going for a great price. All we'd need to do is to rip up the carpet, polish up the floorboards underneath, buy fuck loads of new furniture and, in a few years, replace the kitchen with a new one. Not much at all... Let's hope the owners take their ornate cherry wood bar with them too. It's the kind of renovation I'm really looking forward to though. We visit the house for a second inspection tomorrow morning before vacating the city.

Things Hugo has thrown in the bin this week:
* 5 nappies
* $50 in cash (2x $20 + 1x $10)
* A pile of Luc's receipts that included one for his new mobile phone and dry cleaning
* Yummy food we took home with us from mid-week Yum Cha with Mum and Drew (Luc was extremely unimpressed)

What I'll be coming home to after my holiday:
* A house Luc's lived in, unattended for a week...
* A full de-brief from Gordon after his debut television appearance as a guest photographer on Australia's Next Top Model
* A reunion with an old school friend I haven't seen since graduation, who's staying with us (travelling from interstate) for our 10 year reunion
* An update on how Susi's friend is going with her new relationship.... with a Nazi

See ya later suckers

xox

2007-02-07T10:02:00.000+11:00

1. True or false:
I've spent $801.25 on ebay this month

2. Number of times I've exercised since creating my rather ambitious goal of loosing 1kg/week (yes, 20kgs in around five months):
2, 23, 50 or yeah right

3. Number of kilograms I've actually lost:
2, 6, 9 or don't look

4. True of false:
Current care factor regarding my weight is 0 (due to a great fake tan I found, because let's face it, tanned people look less fat)

5. Number of times Lucas asked me whether I'm buying MY OWN engagement ring prior to visiting a jeweller to get another ring re-set:
1, 3, 5, fuck off already!

6. Levels of self-pity I subsequently felt (seriously, how pathetic does he think I am!):
Low, Medium, Rocky Road Ice Cream

7. Number of Charlie and Lola shows I've made Hugo watch so I can write this:
1, 5 or very bad mother

Physical challenge!!!

2007-02-07T00:13:00.000+11:00

I dare you to find three words that terrify me more than these:

"NEW AUSTRALIAN DRAMA"

Peace out.

2007-02-06T23:54:00.000+11:00

'
The house is quiet and I'd love to write a post, but me head is fuzzy from sickness. Cough cough.

Let's see how I go.

Many blogworthy things have taken place in the last few weeks but there has been little time to write. Or I've been brainlessly watching television in that time.

The Wolf has grown into a little boy. This is him at the park. He is such a funny, soft hearted boy. We recently visited the stunning three month old baby of a good friend of mine and he laid on the couch directly opposite the wee child for quite some time, gently stroking her face and hands and saying in a very soothing tone 'why' over and over again, which was very cute! I didn't mind him hanging with us as her older brother (three years old) absolutely bollocks Wolf whenever they play together. This time, spoons were thrown at his head, he was pulled out of a toy car, violently yelled at, smacked... his mother (who I really adore) doesn't really discipline the boy and it's certainly not my job. I have to say that I don't see them as often as I'd like because of this.

We're moving to suburbia.... I know I've neglected to mention suburbs before, but for any Sydney-based readers, we lived in McMahons Point for nearly four years, had a short stint in Chatswood, then moved to Lewisham for a year and now reside in Drummoyne. For the last six years, a trip into the city has consisted of 10 minutes, depending on traffic. We've been near the water, beaches, fantastic restaurants and most of our friends, but that will all change.... We've looked at a few houses in the Hills district, which is around a 20-60 minute drive from the city, depending on traffic and although I'm excited, I feel as though I'm entering a new chapter of my life, the suburban mother phase, and it absolutely terrifies me.

Gone will be my options of a reckless drink with friends, last minute showers 30 minutes before client meetings, cool ocean breezes at sunset, the tangible buzz from the city and friends crashing at our place if the ride home is too far. After the jump, a taxi from the city will cost at least $70, I'll be in the thick of suburbia where the temperature is at least 3-5 degrees hotter and won't be able to feel a certain sense of cool about being on the fringe. The suburbs are not cool.

But my mother, my brother and my sister won't have to schedule time in the diary to pop over. They'll be five minutes away. They'll pop in all the time, which would really be so great. Our lives will be intertwined again. I'll be close to Drew and Mum might even look after the Wolf a couple days a week, which would eliminate the need for an au pair. We'll be able to own a house that isn't the size of a shoe box - one with room for everyone's own bedroom, guest rooms, an office and have an actual back yard with a pool! I'll be able to buy furniture without worrying whether it'll fit into the 'next place' and most of all, I won't have to deal with real estate agents. Ever. Again.

I saw a place that I completely adored last week but it sold before we could make an offer. I was devastated, even thought it was way over our budget. And then yesterday a client who Chloe and I REALLY wanted to work with decided to go with another agency after a few fantastic meetings and a pitch. We were so very very disappointed (even though I'm determined to learn from the experience and keep moving on).

Two nights ago I had a dream that there was a war and I escaped and went to heaven via an elevator. The scene was chaotic and frantic, I was alone and desperate for my child. I approached a shop-like counter, where all the babies were being held but when I went to ask for him, couldn't remember his name. But then I saw him, held him and instantly felt immediate comfort, intense elation and security. Lucas wasn't there. My brother and sister weren't there as they were at church (uhuh, let's read into that!) and my mother and father were busy with new families.

This Saturday, Mum, Natasha, Harry, Luc, Hugo and I are driving up the coast to Port Macquarie for a week. This will be our first family holiday in nearly ten years. I can't wait. Luc will stay for the weekend before returning home to work. I will be far away from client calls, media requests and deadlines. I've bought four new swimsuits and the night I return will be my 10/11 year high school reunion.

2007-01-26T17:01:00.000+11:00

I can't be bothered to write lately.

Let's Get Together

2007-01-18T01:10:00.000+11:00

The date has been set and even though I haven't kept in touch with a single person from my grade, I've found myself on the "organising committee" of my 10 year high school reunion (we all know that this means that I don't actually do anything but debate the actions of the 2 people (out of ten) who actually can be assed).

So we have less than a month to go and nearly every damn night I find myself entertaining outrageous notions of how I can loose 10kgs in that time. Healthy shmealthy. Surely I can do five in that time. Surely!

And I know I'm going to be the tall Asian girl (only one in my year) with the short short hair and nerdy glasses, stuck between the gals with the hair and nails, the ones with teenaged kids or the guys who are still drooling over the gals with the hair and nails and I can't fucking wait. Luc's going to drop me off out west and I'm going to ruckus like it's 1996 (yes, our reunion is a year late).

2007-01-12T00:39:00.000+11:00

I was walking down Norton Street in Leichhardt today after getting a kick ass haircut, passing people lounging casually in cafes relishing the last of the holidays, and feeling pleased that the skinny jeans I recently bought can actually be worn out now (they used to cut my mid section painfully and shamefully in two). The sun was warming my skin and I decided to walk the few blocks to the grocers, refusing to make odd phone calls on my mobile. Hands and mind free.

Rarely do I see a person who is ok with being alone in public. Everyone is listening to music on their headphones or talking into a mobile phone. I guess it's so vulnerable these days.

Usually when I'm alone I think of all the people I could bump into, people who inhabit pain and frustration, and today I realised that my list has really diminished. I can't think of anyone I would avoid seeing in the street.

Nevertheless, I'm finding it hard to get to sleep again. Earlier in the week Luc and I had an argument in bed and I was so worked up and alert afterwards that I stayed awake the whole night, reading a book and staring out onto the water outside our windows. I ended up jogging at 6am and falling asleep a few hours later on the sofa, waking to Luc and Hugo chatting while walking up the stairs.

2007-01-10T18:01:00.000+11:00

happy new merry everyone! i don't know how i'm going to cope with returning to work, i'm already tired of wishing people a 'happy new year'. you too?

luc and i warily watched the times changed. our official line was that we shunned the demands and pressure of a new year celebration, but i silently knew that we were also a little scared and too tired to celebrate. who knows what this year will bring?

so we put hugo to bed early, made love on the sofa and watched old episodes of seinfeld, cuddled until we were snoozing (shortly after the fireworks, which literally felt above our building).

the new year has certainly has brought about some interesting developments. my insides have recently felt quieter. i've totally decluttered our house, which is the cleanest and most organised its been in over five years. i've also started exercising and am determined to make this year very financially successful for my business with chloe, who is pregnant. i'm awfully excited as i know they've been trying for a while.

luc and i buy a new car tomorrow and on saturday we'll be inspecting a lovely looking home in the suburbs. this has been a hard one for me to accept, but i've finally surrendered. we're paying far too much money in rent and i'm seeing life in the suburbs as a step towards a place (and area) that i'll really like. we'll be much closer to my family, which they're all really excited about. we'd look at buying in around six month's time, at least.

and then there's sophie.

we finally saw each other two days ago. she was shocked to meet my hugo, who she thought would look just like me.

and we all know that he doesn't.

we hung out and played with the wolf, went grocery shopping, made dinner (sophie is a vegan who doesn't eat any gluten and i was very interested, sincerely, to know why and quite inspired to buy organic, i formerly thought it was a bit of a marketing ploy), discussed business strategies for a new venture she's starting and after a few hours, she had her head rested on my shoulder as we looked through old photos of the last few years, just like old times. familiar yet new.

we've spoken twice since hanging out and plan to meet up this friday. her family are eager to catch up and meet hugo. it's like an old reunion.

and the strangest thing is that she's changed her name. this in itself isn't cause for alarm, but it almost makes our friendship easier for me to digest as it's almost like it's with a new person.