The Contingency Plan

i feel wilted.

last night's emotions weren't just about me and lucas. we had our time talking things through and it's cool, but i then got upset from issues with my family, sophie, my job and my relationships - i'm not normally weepy so it must have all hit me at once as i was sobbing for hours. i felt like i needed it, which possibly confused lucas who just wanted me to stop crying.

none of the men i know, whether they're family or friends, gay or straight, know how to handle a distraught woman. especially if she's crying because she needs to, because she's overwhelmed with feelings.

and those terrified, rather bewildered looks just make you feel more like an alien.

all my close friends are now males, so it's times like these i would've called on sophie. she was perfect in the comforting department. i know many women call on their mothers but mine just doesn't function well on this level. she had a horrible upbringing and didn't know how to hug me until i was in my late teens.

don't get me wrong, she's warm, loving and generous, but she was also a gangster and still does things she doesn't care to share. i mean, how could she afford to give me that many diamonds on a wage from work with the disabled? i think this helps her stay sane though, it's her ying and yang.

nevertheless, today i found myself in chinatown having yum cha with mum and estelle. mum could tell something was wrong so her way of making me feel better was to feed me and buy me clothes. and hanging out with estelle was refreshing. estelle has down-syndrome, the mental capacity of a three year old, combined with an eating disorder that will literally eat anything. mum's been talking care of her and three others for over 10 years now so we're all like family. they've even spent holidays with us.

anyhow, i guess the day was comforting and grounding. i didn't think about any of my shit, i just ate, shopped and made sure estelle didn't try to eat anything she shouldn't (very important as the silly git's eaten batteries, paper, pens, etc. before).

and on the topic of eating, i think i'm going to stick with that theme and make myself some chinese dumplings for dinner. yum. cooking is so theraputic.