The Contingency Plan

Little things are keeping me sane in this ridiculous situation. For instance, songs I like to play really loud when my cheating bastard of a boyfriend is home (to ensure he doesn't stay home for long):

* Lately, Stevie Wonder
* Every Little Bit Hurts, Alicia Keys
* You Make Me Wanna, Usher
* What Goes Around Comes Back Around, Justin Timberlake
* Don't You Remember, Luther Vandross
* I heard it Through the Grapevine, Marvin Gaye
* Into Temptation, Crowded House
* Don't Lie, Black Eyes Peas
* Careless Whisper, George Michael
* Love Don't Live Here Anymore, Madonna (Massive Attack remix)
* She Don't Have to Know, John Legend

Further suggestions welcome...

I think the Gods, on a whole, are being quite kind to me. I would have suffered a horrendous breakdown if I had to experience all that I have within a shorter time frame.

There are a lot of little stories I'm saving to share with you all. I have dreams where Luc reads this blog though so I'm still hesitant to write.

Last week was possibly one of the worst I've had to date. It involved some soul destroying images, a debilitating flu and loosing my biggest client.

This week is looking much better. I'm feeling stronger. I've realised that I'm used to making social plans without Luc. Saying that I'm single is becoming easier. I'm learning faith and am trusting my intutition a lot more. And my emotions are settling so I can focus on other things, like running a home and a business.

I'm generally ok, but am still wary of how easy it is for my spirits to be crushed. I'm still coming to terms with my hopes and plans being so cruelly dashed. It deeply disturbs me how I've repeated my mother's history of being with someone who can so easily lead a deceitful double life.

And I hate how I miss Luc. I miss the affection, the security I've felt for the last seven years. I miss building something wonderful with someone kind, loving and considerate. I miss laughing with him. I miss our potential and keep wondering who it was I knew.

I have flash-backs to things Luc has said to me over the years... How he's incapable of cheating, how he'd rather leave me than cheat, how building a family with me is the most important thing to him and how leaving a legacy for our kids and their kids to enjoy, even if we don't get to, would be his greatest achievement.

Have I been so easy to manipulate?

I've decided that there aren't "types" of people who are more prone to certain behaviours over others. We are all capable of doing horrendous things, it's whether we make the choice and allow ourselves the freedom.

My lawyer called me today on a personal note to see if I'm doing ok. He was worried about me and called just to say hello and to see how I am. I can't remember the last time a man (friend or otherwise) called me to see if I'm ok. I was touched but felt pathetic and oh so vulnerable.

I've started to feel paranoid, worrying that someone I know will read my last post and that all of my plans will be ruined. So, I've taken it offline.

Regular readers email me if you want it and I'll send it through to you....

xoxoxox

i admit i felt pretty cocky after my last post. almost sophisticated. luc and i had everything sorted. we were separated but friendly. civil.

and then he went away for work and our bank account password mysteriously changed. he was in consistent contact while away. long telephone calls where he admitted that it wasn't me at all. he was delusional and desperately wanted our family back. he wanted me back. had thought of me the whole 12 hour drive to melbourne and back again.

i was furious but soften. that is, until i managed to hack my way back into our account and discovered hotel bills. thousands taken out in cash. i festered and then confronted him. he lied until i absolutely cornered him. he was in sydney the whole time. we live 10 minutes away from the city. i was absolutely livid. he blamed me for everything - apparently i'm too crazy and don't appreciate people's need for alone time. i knew it was a lie and felt despondent.

so i followed my gut and the bread crumbs. hacked my way into his email account. found the very expensive hotel bill. saw the hotel reservation was for two adults. and then found another email account a few messages down, opened in another, related name. hacked my way into that one too. so much for internet security.

and every single email was from her. another woman. younger. asian. canadian.

i read every note. i saw the pictures of them together. realised there were pictures sent that he had taken while i was sitting across from him. saw their vancouver property searches.

those long nights at work were something very, very different.

i realised he had taken money from our shared bank account to pay for her flights from canada to visit him here. our money paid for their hotel rooms, for their dinners and gifts. he has spent close to $10,000 on this and i have to fight to get our rent paid.

i've known for four days now and he has no idea that i do.

there are so many details that i wish i could write of, but i feel utterly broken. after seven years and a child together... i feel so humiliated.

my plan so far has been to stay strong, wait out the next four months, get financially sorted and then reveal the betrayal in spectacular fashion. but i'm finding this so, so hard.

I've thought about updating this blog often but seem to work better on a personal level and prefer writing letters to close friends. The other half of the issue is that I'm well and truly tired of talking and thinking about my relationship with Luc.

*Sigh*

After a number of bitter conversations, stress about Hugo and a near break down from yours truly, I organised for Luc and I to have dinner to amicably discuss our situation. This was around two weeks ago. Amazingly we were able to do this and decide the following:

* We would stay separated until the end of our lease in December. This will give him adequate time to think about what he wants (me - yes or no), I'll do the same and try to financial sort myself out and we'll both be around for Hugo

* Hugo comes first so we're going to try and be friends during this period so our home doesn't suck ass for everyone here

* He doesn't have to avoid home as it really has an adverse affect on Hugo

* He'll financially support us all until we decide to move

During dinner he commented about how clear I am in my thinking. I guess that's one of the hardest thing about this situation; I've always been like this, he's the one on the emotional rollercoaster.

Anyway, I'm surprised to report that we've been able to stick to all of these agreements. There's absolutely no affection or romance between us, but we've actually been nice to each other for the past two weeks. Our new aupair (who is truly amazing) doesn't even know that we're apart (I prefer this as it's none of her business and maintains a civil boundary at home). Sometimes we even joke about our situation. I'm not sure how healthy this is, it seems to work for now.

So all this sounds like roses, doesn't it? I have to admit that I'm working really hard to try and maintain this. I'm still broken hearted, still angry and disappointed, at times really depressed but I've decided to move on and try to do what's best for all of us. I'm slowly getting used to time alone and organising social stuff without him. It means more dance classes (I need them for the outlet). More time for work, for myself. I've started shaving my legs again. I take my time when putting on make up. I do my nails. I can't get enough of Amy Winehouse. I don't baby him. I laugh more. I feel less guilt.

He goes away tomorrow morning for at least two weeks for work. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

just thought to let you know