The Contingency Plan

my thoughts are obsessed with this baby. i received the infamous phone call at work on wednesday and have experienced the shock and realisation a thousand times since. the nausea i feel after meals isn't a bad reaction to sugar. my hourly hunger pangs aren't my metabolism, my breast aren't bigger because of my prayers, and my bloated belly is so much more. fuck.

i had no idea i was pregnant as i haven't had a period in so long. even my doctor was surprised.

so now i have to figure out what to do. there were problems with my original ultrasound so i'm going for another one during the week and if i'm eleven week's pregnant, it's jack's and if i'm four week's pregnant, it's lucas'. that feels cheap. i hate writing it as the situations weren't cheap at all. after seeing jack for three months i really liked him and was honestly hurt by his stupid and selfish actions.

i actually saw him on thursday night at the book club. he looked good and shamelessly paid me a lot of attention but all i could think, was that i could be bearing his child. he was funny and flirty and i ended up leaving earlier than usual.

and the horrible thing is that i don't have anyone i can really talk to about this. i'm scared to tell any of my friends or my mother in fear of judgement, and feel so confused and vulnerable so i told the only person i could, lucas.

he has no idea about jack. we were separated so i don't feel the need to bring it up, especially now, as jack and i fizzled before lucas and i got back together. he's been so wonderfully supportive, which makes me feel even more like a fraud, even though i may not be.

lucas was happy, sensitive and loving. the first thing he did was tell me he loves me, he held me and said that above all we'd get through this together.

we've spoken about it in depth and the timing just isn't right. i'm too young and so is he. we don't even have our own shit together. a former friend of mine had a baby too early and i saw all the crap she went through and i just don't want that for my life. i don't want to resent a baby because it held me back from plans i've worked really hard on.

my doctor tells me it's the most common practice in australia, but i still battle with thoughts that's it's wrong and unfair. but it would be unfair for me to give birth when i'm not at all ready. and i worry that if i go ahead with the termination that i may not be able to conceive later as my system is so volatile. this all feels so selfish.