The Contingency Plan

no. it can't be done. i don't think i can do it anymore.

i'm so scared and at times still uncertain. this path has very numbered days of free, meaningless whatever.

but i also experience whispers of excitement and moments overwhelming love, tenderness and strength.

and they're everywhere. i was at an event and a pregnant lady came up to me, introduced herself and started talking. i came back to work and my colleague was gushing over photos of her friend's baby. a friend who designs her own (very funky) baby manchester range emailed me to meet up, then one of my closest friends emailed me and said that after two years of trying she's going on IVF. i later received a call from a friend who asked me for some PR advice and continued to rave about being a new dad.

so i came home last night and cried for four hours. i just couldn't bear the thought of an abortion.

so i've decided to create my own story. i can't try to safely follow another, as much as i think i want to. i can have a baby and still fulfil the dreams i had in mind like further my career and travelling. i can make it work.

but every day changes. and it's here i start becoming a painful mess again.