The Contingency Plan

sometimes despite the clutter of life's chaos, i feel breaths of clear air.
i forget that my dad cheated on my mum for 25 years and then rejected me out of his life, i let go of work-place stress and deadlines, hurtful friendships and painful relationships and see glitters of gold amongst the chewing gum on the street.
as oprah as it sounds, i've realised i can't rely on other people to show me there's still good in the world. so, i've been trying to show it to myself instead.
i was very disciplined as a child and subsequent teenager. controlled by notions of cause and effect and obsessed with doing good by everyone (to stay blameless and try and build character), i was a little too serious, judgemental and up tight and have spent the last seven years rebelling against that character i built.
now i don't have any regrets, but as we all know, i've recently reached a point where my life feels so shit and out of control that i have no other option than to examine my life and try and make some positive changes.
and tonight i felt some glimmers of hope that i could be on a good track.