The Contingency Plan

two in one day may be considered sad or excessive, but i feel like i'm overflowing with thoughts and emotions, which i'm always so critical of. it's often easier for me to be distant, entertaining and sarcastic, but i know there are times when i just have to be vulnerable as well.

tonight i'm alone and i'm missing things. i wish i could explain it with some beautifully poignant words, but my emotions feel too raw and i'd feel like an absolute tosser if i tried to polish them.

it's times like these i feel like a kid again. i cry through my glossy makeup, change my black corporate outfits for old floppy mismatched tracksuits, wipe snot on my sleeves, rub my feet together and crave ice cream. and i feel damn stupid but i'm just too upset to care.

in these moments i miss warm, comforting, nostaglic things like the smell of my mum, sophie's firm, emotive and encompassing hugs, laying on the hard green grass of my childhood home, and being in the company of my family before we decided to become retarded with each other.

i don't know why i find it difficult to ground myself, but as friendly and outgoing as i am, i still crave the intimacy of deep friendships and of a support network that i've been trying to find for years.

and it's here my thoughts stop. i do those horrible deep stacatto breaths of someone who's been crying too much and thank god for chocolate.

mmmm... chocolate...