The Contingency Plan

What About Your Friends

And the problem dawned on me while I was drinking my hot chocolate tonight.

I feel friendless.

It feels so pathetic admit, but it's true. I have a host of acquaintances, a myriad of contacts, but no one besides Lucas I can call a real friend.

And what I mean by a 'real friend' is simple.

I want someone who will come over with junk food and wine on a Friday night like tonight when I've had a shitty week, take me out for drinks when I score a new job, have daggy TV nights with, go on a road trip with, someone I can help move, who I'll cook soup for when they're sick and someone who doesn't have to be asked to think and do these kinds of things.

Many of my recent friendships feel shallow and selfish. They leave me feeling empty and alone. They're too structured, too distant and too uninvolved. They feel like a sour client relationship where you only do exactly what's in the bounds of your contract and definitely nothing more.

Some of the girls I know are obsessed about getting married. You can tell they're on the prowl as they practically give off the scent and I feel like I'm doing the same with friendships. It's disheartening. I'm the kind of person you could stick in a room full of strangers and I'd easily find my feet, but this is something different and it feels new. I feel out of my depth.

I know the kind of advice I'd give myself and it's the kind of advice people give to sad, pathetic, desperate losers. 'Hang in there, you'll find some friends, no one ever REALLY has more than a handful, there's nothing wrong with you', and the fact that I silently reassure myself like this is even more pathetic.

Fuck fuck fuck. And despite the fact that I typically get along better with guys, I'm going to make a deliberate effort to make friends with more girls or gay guys. I know I sound neurotic, but I meet too many nice, talented and intelligent guys that I'm attracted to and it's not good to keep doing this while I'm trying to focus on re-building a beautiful, yet fragile relationship.

Ok I'm exhausted and think I've done enough psycho raving for one day...