The Contingency Plan

i'm sleeping on the couch again tonight. lucas is working and i just can't bring myself to sleep in our bed without him. he'd be upset to know i'm here, but it's so much warmer and lovelier with him in it.

i remember i couldn't sleep the first few nights we were together. i was just too excited. i would quietly cuddle up to him to feel his warmth, hear his breath and watch him sleep, praying i wouldn't get caught. i was also afraid of doing something grossly embarrassing, like farting or snoring. yes, we're way past that now.

lucas and i met online nearly five years ago on yahoo chat. i was doing a uni assignment and decided to go online to clear my head. we ended up chatting for eight hours and even though he was living in canada, i called him a few days later to say 'hello'. nine months and many astronomical phone bills later, he left his job, his friends, his family and his sanity to come and meet me. i thought it would make a good story either way.

i had to wake up at 4am to make his 6am arrival and his plane was nearly an hour late. unlike my usual self, i forgot to bring emergency reading material and was afraid that if i left to buy some i'd miss him, so i just sat there with a sense that the last nine months were dependent on these next few moments. we'd exchanged 'i love yous', we'd shared every experience we could over the hours we'd talked each day on the phone, and had many hours of amazing phone sex - i had so many hopes pinned to him.

i instantly recognised him at the airport. he was the most stylish and handsome man i'd seen, so naturally, i impressed him by getting lost on the way back from the airport and then falling asleep almost within two hours of being in our hotel room.

anyhow, i miss him so much and his new working hours mean that he's always drained and tired. it's not his fault. i'm just finding it hard as i have such a big decision to make and want him and his attention all to myself. he's currently like a sleepy shadow. yes, sometimes i am a brat, but sometimes i feel alone too.