The Contingency Plan

I've noticed I crave attention and affection when I feel insecure. I want to be snuggled under someone's armpit, I want to hold hands and feel warmth. I want to be hugged, kissed and touched to affirm all will be ok.

I'm so excited about this baby now. I can't tell you how it engrosses my thoughts and influences my decisions. I quietly map out my every meal to ensure it contains all the major food groups, won't tip an aggressively fast taxi driver and god-forbid, I'm considering exercise! I went shopping today and for the first time wasn't interested in clothes for myself and became mesmerised with tiny denim mini-skirts, shrunken cordoroy pants, and funky printed tops. I would've bought something if I knew the sex of the wee one.

And there's so much to plan now: time with an obstetrician, a good hospital, pre-natal classes, health insurance and baby basics. Eeshk.

And this is where the insecurity comes in. I'm so happy and excited but Lucas isn't. In fact he hasn't told a single person, not even his mother, and I feel like sharing this with everyone. He's changed his mind and yesterday wanted to talk abortion options, but I can't to do that now so far into in the pregnancy, not to mention the health complications because of my medical history. I'd rather be on my own. It makes me gravely upset to think about it. I'm hoping the shock will die down and that he'll come around, but I'm scared that it won't and that this will ruin us. I feel alone in this even though he is physically with me as I'm the only one looking to the future and happy by it.

And this is when I feel absolutely desperate for the affirmation.