The Contingency Plan

Make a mental note

It's interesting how things you were conditioned to believe when you were younger resurface when you're older and least suspect it.

Despite how melodramatic my family are now, we had a rather strict Christian upbringing: I went to a private Christian primary school and my family were very involved with an intense, world reknown church for around 11 years. My brother and sister still go there. I broke free when I was around 18 to determine my own convictions and although I could rave on about this, I won't today.

Anyhow, I'm thinking about this because although I'm happily pregnant, I sometimes find myself conscious that I am without a wedding band on. This is strange because I don't even want to get married right now.

I first noticed this pattern when I was in a clothing store and slipped the only ring I occassionally wear from my right hand onto my wedding ring finger. The move was swift and furtive and although the ring was a little big, I didn't care. For some reason I didn't want strangers to think I was easy, unloved and unsupported. And I know the chance judgement of these strangers shouldn't matter.

I use to have the same trouble with sex. Although my mum encouraged me to experiment with my sexuality to know what I like and dislike, I was taught for years that sex was meant only for married couples. So despite the fact that I waited for someone I really loved (at first), I still felt extremely guilty. I guess being kicked out of home for that very reason (sex before marriage) wasn't condusive to new paradyms at the time.

Do you also find yourself doing similar things?

And it's here I wonder what beliefs and conditions I'll raise my child with. It's such an important consideration as I don't want him/her to make decisions out of fear. Principles, yes.

Soooo maybe it's time for me for me to do the same thing... and cement that ring firmly on my right hand.