The Contingency Plan

it's been a good week, but in true form, i'm the princess of procrastination today. i've been sitting with my 'to do' list on the couch for around three hours, watching mtv, reading blogs, emailing, napping and have done absolutely nothing planned. bad me. but i guess the day's not over. yet.

anyhow, despite my lethagy today, i've tried not to get caught up with sore backs, tiredness and/or indigestion and have been doing things to help me embrace being pregnant, feel sexy, inspired and still me. it's been working beautifully, but today's my rebellious and indulgent lazy day.

i've been thinking a lot about the book club today. i went on thursday night and it was a little bizarre. i don't know whether it's because many of us work long hours and are reaching mid-year tiredness, whether we have too many lawyers at the table, or because of underlying weirdness with jack, but something was off.

conversations have always been fascinating and alive, but we had a few moments of uncomfortable silence. the dynamics were different and we had our first pretentious conversation, which was a little off-putting. the subject was whether it's easier to write in the first, second or third person and reminded me of uni where people made comments just to spout the authors, articles and theories they'd read.

i know i've said it before, but i don't feel like i contribute to the group intellectually (and no, this isn't why i didn't like the nature of the last conversation). it bothers me. i read each book, i have opinions, sometimes i do my research on the author or subject matter, i can usually identify similar works, but all of this evaporates into a smile and what i'm wearing when i get there. and i unconsciously let it happen. perhaps it's the way i was introduced to the group. jack introduced me as the umbrella godess. isabella joked that jack and jeremy would be silently feuding over me and although i don't want to sound conceited, i could feel it each time i went. and now i'm being placed into a new paradym.

and i like my new paradym, even though jack and i didn't have a single conversation together that night. we ended up speaking before the book club and he reacted with a lot of shock (more than lucas) and almost as if i were dumping him. it was confusing and although things are amicable, i can't deny that they also feel sad so i'm not going to push it with him. i have no idea where his head was at, how he felt about me and what he wanted from me and although i still don't i'm happy to leave it that way.

anyhow, this month's book is 'skinny dipp' by carl hiaasen. everyone felt like a new genre, an easier going read so this should hopefully make our next catch up a little different from the last.

we do sound tired don't we.