The Contingency Plan

i've had a soothing weekend. i saw my mother for the first time since discovering i'm pregnant, i hung out with my family, had brunch with close friends, and lucas and i've naturally enjoyed some time off together.

but it's sunday night and i'm wrestling with absolute dread. i'm fretting. i'm trying to motivate myself but to no avail. what keeps me going are deadlines and the fact that i have only two months of work left.

last week was stressfully exhausting. i worked my ass off and i achieved some amazing results, but feel this coming week will be no better. my managers have recently been determined to cut our ridiculous working hours and encourage a more balanced lifestlye, yet today i received two work-related calls and a host of emails about things that could've waited. and the the two people concerned were surprised when (on a sunday), i hadn't thought about work.

i'm watching frida. the women are peeling corn, talking and taking care of children and i'm envious. what does my corporate work achieve? i have a list of company names and campaigns but it will all blow away with the wind. i think i'm depressed. i miss smoking. no, not just the momentary high, but the routine, the surrender, it's watching the smoke twist, writhe and then disppear. and it makes me think that i want to surrender to something i love, which is why work feels so different now. it's no longer my love. and i can see the tiny vests and socks we have in bags for our baby and i know who i now surrender to.

but i'm tired yet can't sleep.