The Contingency Plan

I took the day off work today. Although I had cramps and back pain in the morning, the main reason was tiredness and a lack of inspiration. I felt like I needed time to myself after the events of the weekend. I'm not going to do the same thing tomorrow though, as I'm just starting to feel back in control of my work.

Sunday with Dad and Lucas was better than I anticipated. We intially went to the Sydney Fish Markets, but didn't manage to leave the carpark after a run-in with some people there over a stupid car space. It was so petty. There was a miscommunication between Dad and the people in the car as they thought he was stealing their spot. Dad was already in the space but was going to move, but the other family were too busy getting out of their car, yelling and swearing at us to realise. So we didn't move. They then threatened to scratch Dad's (new) car so we decided to just leave. Dad's not the kind of person to take shit from anyone, but I knew we wouldn't be able to relax and we didn't want to cause a scene. This kind of behaviour is normal in the area I grew up in. I'm so happy I don't live there anymore.

So after all of that drama, we decided to take a 30 minute drive up the coast to one of the northern beaches. The drive was long and windy and I enjoyed the sun on my translucent skin. Lucas sat in the front with Dad and they talked cars and sports the whole way. I liked being quiet. We decided to visit one of the big pubs in the area and sat in the leafy beer garden by the water, eating fresh seafood and chips.

By this time I felt relieved Lucas wanted to come. He seems to bridge the gap between Dad and me and has more in common with him. Dad and I would've ended up discussing the family.

Dad has a love for boats so after our meal we took a short walk around the area. Dad stopped to chat to the locals and Lucas and I reflected on how we were feeling about our time with him. And I liked it because it wasn't perfect, but it was just enough for now.

Today I did some more reflecting on my own. I didn't sleep in and initially wanted to do some more cleaning, but spent the whole day rugged up on the couch in front of the telly instead.

'The Joy Luck Club' was showing and strongly reminded me of my relationship with my mother. It's hard to be the daughter of an Asian mother with a son. My sisters and I each have a stormy relationship with Mum. She's always compared us to others, we were raised to serve our father and brother, we were told to give back expensive gifts (even birthday presents) and obedience was key, which meant we could never argue with her or show emotion that would question her actions or make her loose face (like hurt or embarrassment). I'm the only one who's ever had the courage to stand up to her.

And now that I'm a five years into my relationship with Lucas, and after the events of the weekend, I've realised I'm now struggling to know my worth. I've become so dependent and needy and find it particularly relevent to Lucas. I keep having thoughts that I'm going to be a single mother. I used to be far more confident than this and it sucks because we have a wonderful relationship otherwise. I think my non-existant sex life with Lucas is affecting me too. I know I'm sexy woman, but am at a loss on how to get him out of his lack of drive now that I'm so pregnant. And I don't want to sound conceited, but I know that I look good pregnant. In fact, I hope I look this good once I've given birth. Even Jack said (in front of everyone last book club) that I look 'absolutely stunning' pregnant.

But I know this doesn't help my dilemma. Jack isn't even a consideration. I don't know what will right now, but I'm hoping these recent thoughts will help me reach a good path.