The Contingency Plan

It's the end of my baby shower. The time is 9pm and I feel tired and nostaglic while Lucas and close friends drink wine and beers on the seawall.

I'd normally join them and feel excluded not to be out there, but I'm exhausted and am enjoying the time alone. So much has happened in the last 24 hours.

Ying. I had an abusive call from a client yesterday morning, which made me cry. Yang. The arrogant bastard called at the end of the day to apologise as he realised he was in the wrong. Ying. One of my colleagues whom I started with three years ago left the company. Yang. I felt in control of my accounts for the first time in months.

Even though the day was draining, I worked back late to avoid extra stress next week, but at around 8.30pm realised that Penelope and my mother had both pulled out of helping me with the party. Penelope had an emotional break up with her boyfriend and moved out on Thursday night, so I didn't expect her to drop everything and help me. My mother on the other hand, didn't want to let down some of her friends and wanted to see them beforehand.

I called Lucas stressed after creating a quick menu and a shopping list and asked him to come along and help me carry bags at the store. He was livid that I was left in this situation, tired and didn't want to help me. By this stage I was distraught and ended up have a huge arguement with him. He said most of my friends and family are unsupportive shits and if they're going to be like this, then I shouldn't at all bother doing anything for them. I can see his point, but knew I had 18 people coming over the next day and could never have a garden party that started at 1pm and not offer any food.

We were in the process of resolving our argument when mum called through on my mobile. She knew I was upset at her and said she'd bring plenty of food and drink to make up for it and then asked if anything else was wrong. Although I was a blubbering mess, I knew this was my chance to confront her.

So I started talking and the floodgates opened. For the first time I didn't consider her feelings above my own. I didn't insult her or say anything mean, but I didn't hold back in fear that she would cut me off.

I'm tired of her leading a double life with her new fiance. He doesn't know she has children, we don't know where she lives (and haven't for over two years), can't call her at home as she won't give us the number and only talks to us when she's at work. We're a second priority to her, yet she has the gall to accuse us of not providing enough morale support for her during her divorce to dad.

We ended up speaking for around an hour and half. She admitted to pushing Natasha, Andrew and I away as she was 'scared of us hurting her and decided we didn't need a mother anymore'.

And although we spoke for a while, the conversation ended ambigulously. She asked for more time to think about everything. Part of me is so disappointed as she's being saying this for years now and another thinks I've already lost her. But the yang to this is that I'm no longer festering.

I then came home waddling and puffy-eyed to Lucas and we stayed up for another two hours talking. Although it ended amicably, I have to admit part of me is still upset. I often get the impression that half of him isn't here with me. He's always consumed with his own thoughts and desires and I then become confused as I'm unsure whether it's just my pregnant emotions running into overtime.

Today woke up early, cleaned the house and made food for the baby shower. The party was warm and enjoyable and we received fantastic gifts, but I now have a kitchen full of dishes and leftovers. Everyone's left, Lucas went straight to bed and I feel depressed.

My dad also called and wants to have lunch tomorrow afternoon. I know he's making an effort and don't want to discourage it, but I'm feeling emotionally and physically empty. I know if I have one-on-one time with my dad, we'll end up talking through 'the issues' and I'm not sure whether I want to this weekend.

And I'm upset with Lucas because he's been of no help to me today. I know I hate asking for help, and although I do have lovely friends, I honestly thought I wouldn't have to ask this time.