The Contingency Plan

i'm not sure if anyone's picked up on it, but I'm a fairly positive and optimistic person. I know life can be shitty and even when I'm fucked up and don't want to, I tend to think seasons will pass and know my perspective influences how life affects me.

But it's 6.20pm and I'm still in my pajamas. I haven't had time to shower as Wolfie's been hungry every two hours, I've been peed on (twice), my breasts have leaked through three tops and breast pads and I've just finished crying. For two hours.

This week has been a shocker. And I use 'week' loosely as I have no concept of time. I just know I've been down for not just one but for days now. Even sleep seems pointless as I'll have to wake in 1-2 hour's time.

It's so hard for me to admit it, but I've been feeling like utter shite. I'd like to focus on something else but want this to be an expression of what I experience, think and feel. And I often don't express these feelings because I don't want pity or sympathy and have trouble asking for help - in fact, I hate asking for help.

So it's now 7pm and despite my tears and lethargy I've dragged my tired frame to the shower. I've tried to wash away days of exhaustion, pain, confusion and frustration. I've sobbed to my mother and am listening to one of my favorite songs, 'To Sheila' by the Smashing Pumpkins. And Hugo is in my arms again and just smelling him and rubbing my cheek softly against his forehead soothes me. And makes me cry.

I don't want to focus on tomorrow or next week. And for once I'm not thinking the glass is half full, or half empty. It's just half.