The Contingency Plan

A few months ago I received an email from an old friend inviting me to take membership of a friendster-like site he'd just joined.

We'd been friends since high school. In those days he was popular and had something all the girls wanted. He was musical, good looking, trendy, aloof and not interested in anything academic. I was friends with everyone but never slept with any of the boys, which I think always affects the popularity of a girl in high school, plus I was a good student.

But despite this we became close and in those days, he'd often visit my granny flat. We'd smoke cigarettes, have deep conversations and listen to whatever music he was into at the time. He's a talented muscian and I strongly encouraged him. We'd also go out, but our friendship waned whenever he had a girlfriend. I didn't mind and we continued like this for years.

One thing I'd always noticed was how restless Dylan was. He could never sit still. He would always fidget, chain smoke, shake his leg when he sat and his restlessness reaches beyond this. He was always searching, never fulfilled and wandered without accountability or responsibility and I grew accostomed to his actions because of this. Our calls and visits waned even further when Lucas came on the scene. Although I was disappointed, I also knew that I couldn't expect anything. He and Lucas didn't seem to get along.

The last time I saw Dylan was around two years ago at a Vice magazine party that Ali and I attended. He looked great. He'd grown his hair, he was wearing makeup, a little retro suit and after we recovered from the shock of seeing each other, we shared an intimate hug that closed the distance between the years.

We exchanged the usual 'so what have you been up to' information. He was high, I was drunk but we were both so happy to see each other.

And then the inevitable question came up.

"So are you still with Luc?" he asked.

"I sure am, can you believe it's been over three years?" I yelled over the crowd.

He looked surprised. He said he really missed me over the years. He would often drive by my house and sit outside wanting to see me yet not able to leave his car. He'd always drive away heavy.

The next few sentences are a blur, but I walked away when he said that his life was different and that I couldn't be a part of it right now. I felt confused and bewildered. He said he couldn't see me or talk to me in the state that he was in. I quickly sobered up and left the party.

Sometimes I find it strange how technology keeps us all in touch. Due to his email invitation Dylan and I spoke again a few months ago over email and messenger.

I asked him what happened between us and he still wouldn't tell me, not unless it was in person. He was elated when he found out about Hugo and we arranged to meet up but never did.

During one of our online chats we exchanged url links for our blogs. He's the first person I know who has the address (besides Luc who claims he never reads it anyway).

We haven't spoken since but I always furtively read his blog. Sometimes I think I should stop as I feel guilty for reading his journal and not contacting him but I never do. It's almost like reading his words is my way of maintaining a closeness without having to deal with anything. Sometimes I miss him more after reading it. More recently I read the words of his ex-girlfriend and felt even more like a voyeur.

And in my justification I wonder whether he does the same thing to me. Even though our words are in displyed in a public domain, is it wrong of me to do this?

At times I crave closure and call him but never get through or leave a message. Other times I bear the desire but sit not being able to make the first step. I'm too scared it would invite drama and I'm already too tired and hurt.

Nice pics below. :)

you said:
[It's almost like reading his words is my way of maintaining a closeness without having to deal with anything.]

I find this statement so honest and meaningful--strangely enough, I've posted similiarly today without having read your post.

I wonder if my friends will read my most honest feelings and respond. . . I then wonder what this guy would think / does think reading your blog, or even this comment . . .

Could he have had strong, romantic feelings for you? I can't imagine of any other reason why he would spurn you so suddenly and so harshly.

Sigh. On the one hand, technology allows me to voice what may have never been voiced; on the other hand, technology disects my voice from my body in ways I think more "traditional" forms of writing never have.
I gain, yet I lose.
Ummm, lots to think about. Thxs.

Thanks for the comment Tawcan, I'm glad you liked the pics.

After reading your post, you definitely know what I'm talking about SQ. At times it does concern me that Dylan and I are rarely in touch but I almost feel a part of his world because I have his blog. Not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. I'm happy it provided something to ponder though!