The Contingency Plan

It's often easy for me to focus on the negatives of my relationship with Luc. He's over-worked. He perpetually has a tooth ache (that he insessantly complains about), and after working and spending time with Hugo, he craves time alone so I'm an after-thought. He's always tired. He thinks he works more than I do (athough he never admits it), but I can tell as he's started to keep score on who does the dishes or changes the nappies, yet this story's not unique.

And I commonly exacerbate the situation. Emotionally transparent, he can walk into the room and see I have a problem, but instead of having integrity I lie and claim everything's fine (he doesn't believe me) so he quietly leaves to get food he says he won't buy.

Seiously, who likes nagging about a lack of attention and affection? Yuck. It's not who I am.

But I know it's not fair to dwell. There are times it's simple and beautiful. We'll drive through the staccato rain for the city's best pizza and while waiting he'll play me all his favourite songs from a treasured CD. He'll squeeze his face in excitement and I'll feel like his best friend. Or he'll hear of an upcoming storm and we'll travel to the most northern Sydney beach so he can show me how lightning looks over a dark, brooding yet breathtaking beach. And all the time our son will be sleeping in the back. Then there are the times we lie on our bed, talking for hours while Hugo plays and chatters between us. And the small things like getting us an arthouse movie to watch and not going for his favourite action/thriller type or going to get me breakfast and coffee each morning.

I feel Luc and I are setting some kind of standard in this part of our relationship. I'm forever challenged to not give into my exhaustion and not act like a tired brat. We went through a hard time before my pregnancy and some of our wounds haven't totally healed, but despite this there's so much love and even though I get mad, lonely and depressed, I can't act from those emotions as they don't encompass who we are.

I love to read your posts, honestly. Something quite spiritual . . .

I am the one who cannot focus on giving my partner attention . . . and this week, I can't help but believe it has caught up with us at last.

Thank you SQ, that made my day.

I hope everything works out with your partner.