The Contingency Plan

I've been attacked by the snot monsters and have a cold/flu again. I write 'cold/flu' as I don't quite know which one it is. Can you have both? I'm almost as bad as a stereotypical male and hardly ever visit my doctor so yep, no sympathy for me. I tend to believe some good rest, vitamins and plenty of liquids will do the trick. We're into our third day now.

So all this extra down time has given me even more time to think about work stuff, especially as I have a meeting there tomorrow to "discuss my next steps".

As Frank can imagine, I've completed a thorough list of pros and cons, have detailed what I can offer and what I want in return and have determined NOT to get emotional during the meeting but treat it purely as a business negotiation. If they can't give me what I want or don't like what I have to offer, I'll be happy to leave but never, during any of this will I cry * must. not. cry*

I find it ironic that as a PR agency of women we can convince a hard-hitting journalist to run a client's 'newsworthy' story (not an easy task) yet feel uncomfortable to negotiate a pay rise or decent maternity leave. We need weeks of encouragement, a meticulously planned outfit, a portfolio of achievements, key messages - it's like we have trouble with wanting our worth. We don't want to cause a stir or make anyone else feel uncomfortable. We don't want to be rejected or told we're worth less than we think. It's not straight-forward. The office is seeping with silent politics encompassing even what cup you use, where you buy your lunch, where you sit, what kind of car you drive, when you leave the office and how you wear your hair. Organised social events are a nightmare as careful seating arrangements have to be considered. People loathe others yet never is there a confrontation. Part of me doesn't want to return but I figure two days a week is nothing to cry over. There will always be something no matter where you are.

Concluding what I want has been a major break-through. I've recently had dreams where my MD fights for me to stay only to change her mind and act indifferent and happy to see me go. I was so confused, even in my sleep. So much of me wanted to stick it to them for all my gripes and for the new challenges I've craving, but another part doesn't want too much responsibility and likes the easy money. I fundamentally like the company and its amazing client list so I'm hoping to strike at a win-win situation.

Realising what I want now can be difficult as I want to marry it with whatever's best for Hugo first. Sometimes I'm still spun out with his existance, though I'm sure lots of mothers get like that.

On an up-note though, I contacted my old VC investor last week and was encouraged at how happy he was to hear from me and how he instantly cleared time in his schedule to catch up. It's been years. Although it's a purely social gathering, I'm really looking forward to seeing him and hearing about his business as it's really booming.

Anyhow, it's 2am now and I'm getting that itchy throat/hard to breathe thing now so I best get some sleep and maybe see a doctor tomorrow...