The Contingency Plan

I didn't realise how tired I was last night until I sat down at the book club meeting. After driving out west to visit Mum and Alannah, Hugo and I returned home where I quickly tidied the house, made dinner, fed Hugo, put him to bed and expressed some milk before Isabella picked me up.

It was my first proper night there since Hugo's birth and the usuals were present - Isabella, Jeremy, Jack and Duncan with two new faces as well.

The group was in fine form and shared plenty of interesting conversation but I found it a little difficult. It was the first time I've been involved in a setting that hasn't entirely focused on babies (I deliberately didn't take Hugo for that very reason) and it made me aware of how much my thoughts and energy evolve around him. Sometimes I think it's no wonder mother's get 'baby brain' as they spend so much of their concentration on their baby's health and wellbeing, sleeping patterns, pooing patterns, eating schedule, structured play time, development and growth that there's little space left for anything else.

Nevertheless, I was enjoying myself and catching up with everyone when that annoying thing started. They started talking about books. I know, I know it's a book club but it wasn't just talk about the books we read, but about books in general... only in a really wanky sort of way.

Someone would literally spout a title or author in some kind of context and someone else would say, 'oh, you mean that author who wrote this other book?' and the intial person would say, 'yes, that's the one' or 'I never realise he/she wrote that too' and the second person would reply with a comment like 'great writer, I never read his/her first book but the subsequent ones were sublime and I also highly recommend their essays' and on and on it would go and I just find it boring because it doesn't tell me about the brilliance/horror of the book or author, what the reader learnt, enjoyed or hated or any opinions about the subject matter in the book; they're basically jerking each other off about what they've read and who they know of.

So I started to think why I really go to these nights. This is one of the rare moments I have to myself so it needs to be good and frankly, I would've preferred to have gone to the arthouse theatre next door to watch a movie. I desperately need some inspiration but think I'll still go as it challenges me to keep reading and mix with people other than mothers (even though they're nearly all lawyers).

A lot of my recent contemplations have evolved around being challenged out of my comfort zone. I've been entertaining the thought of work again as I miss it and have the capacity now, but with those thoughts emotions of anger and frustration towards my current employer have resurfaced.

I need something new, I've encouraged Chloe to do it (she did) and have booked the meeting to say it, but have doubts about resigning simply because it's comfortable and easy money. But it also feels self depreciating and their lack of consistency is infuriating.

Luc doesn't think they'll easily let me go but I think they will. I tried my email address today and it bounced back. So much for maternity leave.