The Contingency Plan

I quickly glanced in my rear view mirror. Big translucent tears were twisting down her prominent brown cheeks. I stopped the car then turned right.

“It was hard for me,” she said. “The children I given my life for abandoned me. I don know why you went to your father.’

She paused.

“I needed you. I fel lost and humiliated.”

I sighed and slowed the car down for a red light. “He deceived me Mum. I didn’t side with anyone. I was overwhelmed; it was hard for me to deal with it all.”

I paused.

“You moved overseas without letting anyone know,” I said. “I would never do that to you but you didn’t even speak to me about it, you just left.”

“I’ve never gotten over it. The pain was too much,” she said, crying.

She paused.

“Tha’s why I won let you kids totally into my life now; I’m scared you do it again.”

“I’m sorry Mum. That’s not the way it was. The separation was hard on us too you know, especially when you left.”

“You’re a mother now so you can imagine if Hugo did that to you. I don know how to get over it.”

I pulled into my driveway and she kept talking.

My mother is engaged to a man I’ve never met. I don’t know where she lives and haven’t for nearly three years now. He knows there is a Kazumi, a Lucas and a Hugo but think we’re her friends instead of her family. We don’t have her home phone number and can only call her at work. She doesn’t feel she can tell him now as it may ruin their relationship as he may think she’s just after his multi-millions.

Sometimes I think back to the night it all happened. Harry and Natasha were staying with friends and Mum had caught Dad on the phone with Judy. The conversation was intimate. They mocked her, Dad asked whether she had received the money he’d sent for her children and they spoke about when they would see each other again. The affair had been going on for nearly 15 years; though the kids were not his. She was married but got a divorce after her husband learnt of the affair.

I found out when Dad came over. Luc and I were lounging at home when he rang the doorbell.

“She’s gone crazy again. She’s calling for you,” he said. His words were curt and his Scottish accent stronger as he was both upset and angry.

“What’s happened?” I asked.

“Let’s go outside.”

And in the park across from our apartment, while a group of men played a light- hearted game of football, Dad told me that he had had an affair with Judy when I was around seven years old. Mum could never reach past it. That was the only affair and it ended shortly after it began. He’d asked Mum for forgiveness.

I knew Judy well. Mum had taken her into our house when she was broke and unemployed. She lived with us for a few years until she could afford a place of her own. Mum helped Judy find work, introduced her to her husband and I was the flower girl at their wedding.

Dad and I drove silently to their new house. When I entered I found all the furniture had been beaten. All the family’s antique Asian vases and decorations were smashed and some of the windows too. I found her hysterical in the kitchen, crying and holding onto a metal bar stool. She had earlier hit the stool over my father just before he had left to come to get me.

I approached her like I would an injured wild animal, slowly and with caution, trying to soothe her with words of reassurance. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen her like this.

I spend the next eight hours counseling them. This is why they’d wanted me over. Nothing was held back. It was a role I loathed but was too familiar with. I tried to stay objective. I hadn’t smoked in two years but consumed a whole packet that night.

The next week was filled with further torment. Mum was hiding knives in Dad’s pillows, she refused to eat or sleep and wandered the house muttering in English and Mandarin, words that terrified my father. He admitted to 25 years of infidelity and said he couldn’t promise anything for the future, though I didn’t discover this for another six months. Many of the women were her ‘friends’, but others were strangers or waitresses in his favourite café, the one he took both Mum and I to often. These women served us coffee.

Mum moved back home with live with my Aunty overseas shortly afterwards. She stayed there for six months and we found out after she had left. Dad had told us it was for the best as she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I later found out he’d tried to send her to a mental facility, somewhere she definitely doesn’t belong.

Dad’s now engaged to a woman a few years older than me and over half of his age. Nevertheless we hear about the other women he’s also dating.

We rarely talk about it all but when we do it ends in tears and months of silence.

I'm sorry to hear how hard this all is. I couldn't imagine. I hope you're ok.

Very sad situation for the whole family. No happy outcome no matter how you slice it.

i'm sorry...

i had no idea.


you said:
"It was a role I loathed but was too familiar with. I tried to stay objective."

Sometimes I think we try to stay objective to familia situations because that is the easiest way to keep distant. and what's wrong with distance? perhaps it's not always culturally/socially condoned . . . I also think that the roles we loath should somehow, someway be discarded . . . who are you really playing this role for anyway? who gains?

and meanwhile, as you well know and think about daily i'm sure, there is a little guy who is always watching and learning . . .

sigh. i really don't know shit--but i wish i could say something meaningful . . .

Thank you so much Bente, Junebee, Michelle, Kara and Squirrely for your kind words.