The Contingency Plan

The time is 2am, Luc and Hugo are asleep and this is my time to reflect. I wish I could rest but find it difficult and stay up mulling or analysing my life. Sometimes it’s productive but it’s often depressing and I think this is why I never have good dreams.

It’s been a while since I’ve shared a good conversation. You know the kind where you feel happy, bonded and released. Of course I chat to Lucas but we’re so close that this doesn’t count with him.

The discovery came to me when I was thinking about my family. I later realised it applies to my friendships as well.

The best way to describe it is that I’m close to people, but am familiar with quickly disconnecting so I open up but am always guarded. I watch what I say to whom. I don’t cry about it, but crave relief. And it’s ironic as my life is filled with wonderful people.

In these moments I miss the friendship I once had with Sophie. I miss the safe openness and acceptance we once had. I miss talking about where my life is heading, what my thoughts are, the state of my relationships, things I’m obsessing about, things that inspire me. I miss feeling like I have an ally (besides Luc) who’s on my side and knows me so they know I’m a good and loyal person and tell me this when I’m feeling low. I don’t really tell anyone I’m low until after it’s passed.

The way things are makes me think back to the way I was before Sophie and the last few years of my family and I often wonder whether the difference is me (have I become too hard?) or have I just entered the ‘real world’.

Help me out Internet because I need one of those good conversations soon.