The Contingency Plan

When I was younger I loved our family trips to Taiwan. We'd usually stop over in an exotic location like the the Phillipines Islands and then visit my mother's warm, crazy and loving family.

Although we didn't see them often, I instantly knew they were my kind. There was an immediate intimacy, affection and most importantly, understanding. I knew their expressions, humour and moods as they reflected those of my mother. I was in company full of comfort and belonging and even my father who couldn't fully understand the language felt it too.

I especially admired my two uncles - Uncle Ding and Uncle Camel. Both share an incredibly funny sense of humour. Uncle Ding was a super cool Asian heart throb who used to take me shopping for stationary (I was obsessed with it as a child) who later married a famous pop star and Uncle Camel was the man with a pet monkey (he would train it to do tricks), who could stand on a chair without bending his legs, touch the ground, compete with me at Tetris (I was a champ) and later fled his family to China on the run from gangsters (wow, just like the movies!).

As a child I also loved the frantic pace of the city, the nightmarkets and how I was never alone. The houses of my uncles and aunties were consistently noisy, but behind the clutter were secret stories whispered while garlic sizzled in a pan or vegetables were thrown around a wok about my grandparents, my mother's childhood and her past.

The history of my mother's family reflects that of a Chinese book or soap opera, except the drama is laced with wide reaching pain that has cripled them emotionally. My mother and her siblings experienced such poverty and every abuse imaginable as children and I remember crying when I first saw a picture of my mother and aunty as a child as their suffering was so visible in their young faces. I wished I could have rescued them.

I think my father felt the same way when he first married my mother and brought her to Australia.

***

I called my friend Sebastian yesterday to see how he was holding up after the loss of his twin brother Adrian. My thoughts and prayers are often with him and his family. Even though I try, I can never understand their grief. Nevertheless, I'd like to be the kind of friend who is consistently there in support, not just when the news hits.

Sebastian went back to work this week and has asked me to gather all of our old friends to have a party in Adrian's honor and of course I'm going to do this. I also called his mother to see how they are and hope to visit her next week with Hugo. The last time we visited was before we left for Canada, before Adrian's funeral, and even though I brought cake too sweet for her to eat and Hugo spilt coffee all over her kitchen, she asked us to see her again and I want to stay true to that.

My thoughts were shadowed with thoughts of death and grief for the rest of the day. Luc was also solemn and stayed awake for hours after Hugo and I went to sleep.

***

My mother tells me China is a dark place to live, especially for those from Taiwan. Relations between the two countries are so strained that the Chinese don't give a damn for those living there from Taiwan.

Although he died on November 18, news of my Uncle Camel's death reached my family in Taiwan just this morning via fax. Chinese officials were in no hurry to notify my family.

The official story is that he committed suicide, felt he only brought dishonour to the family and wanted to donate his body to a hospital as a last good deed, but we feel he was found and murdered by the gangsters he was hiding from. His will sounds dubious, especially as the officials merely faxed a typed except from it and not the original document.

One of my cousins has to travel to China to identify her father's body, which will be hard as officials are refusing to release it to the family. Uncle Ding is too distraught to make the journey. Uncle Camel called him a month ago to ask for money but Uncle Ding said no. Uncle Camel responded by saying he might as well organise the delivery of his body home but everyone thought he was crying wolf again like he had so many times in the past.

So one of my aunties will take my cousin and has already started the reems of paperwork required. Although my grandmother now lives in her homeland of China, no one is telling her the news due to her fragile health.

I called my mother after Harry had told me and left a message on her answering machine. She called back moments later and I was unable to understand much of what she was saying as her words were choked with guttal cries for her baby brother.

She wants to be alone today and organise travel plans to go back home. Harry will be going with her for support. She made me promise that if she died I would cremate her body and take her home to be with her brother and father.

I'm not quite sure how to end this post.

I'm very sorry to hear about your Uncle, Kazumi, and also to hear how difficult the Chinese officials are making it for your family.

I do think it is really nice of you to keep in contact wih Adrian's family. I've never had to deal with something like that myself, but you always hear about friends drifting away because they don't know what to say or how to act around someone who has lost someone or has been through a tragedy of some sort. You sound like a great person to have around.

Wow, very sad. I guess the passing of Uncle Camel is a head's-up for me. Since my mother and father-in-laws live in mainland China (although they are in Canada at least thru the end of this year), I guess my husband will go through some of the same things your family did when either of his parents pass away.

That is interesting to hear about your family in Taiwan. My self-directed study of China was focused on mainland China, so I know little about Taiwan's history. I know my in-laws suffered under the communist rule. In a way, it's amazing they even have any compassion left.

Good for you not forgetting your late friend's family. It will mean alot to his mother that you haven't forgotten your friend or his family.

I posted on my blog about your response to "my first Christmas as a stay at home parent". I loved your suggestion.

Thanks Bente and Junebee. Your words are touching. I know it's tough to know what to say/write in these situations.

Junebee, I hope you never have to go through what our family has with Uncle Camel's death.

My grandmother and her sisters went through the cultural revolution and it devastates me whenever I hear their stories.

And I'm glad you liked my Christmas idea!