The Contingency Plan

It's been pretty hot this summer and we're really feeling it in this new place with its poorly insulated walls and big windows that trap hot air and light.

The heat has reminded me of when I was at uni and would have to take the train to class, which sat at the edge of the city far away from an ocean breeze. After travelling for an hour I'd then have to walk up a long hill that became very steep at the top, challenging my will to attend whatever lay ahead.

I can't recall her name, but I'd often walk with a woman who revealed the only way to combat the heat or cold was to relax and give into it. The more you tensed up and tried to fight it, the worse you felt as your body needed the energy to naturally adjust. Luc's been mad and consistently fights this weather but it's a battle that will always be lost (unless we have a bloody strong air conditioner, which we don't). You must surrender.

And to tangent, I've been wondering whether this idea can apply to other areas of my life.

There are certain things I question whether I've really accepted in my life, like my relationship with my parents, my breakup with Sophie, my sex life, Luc's neverending complaints and my overweight figure. These are issues that linger, fester and eat away at my mind. I spend hours analysing, strategising, planning and sometimes crying and it's pretty pointless most of the time. I'm fighting these things instead of surrendering to the fact that they are the way they are.

I'll never have a perfect, "normal" relationship with Mum or Dad.

My relationship with Sophie is dead, gone and finished.

My sex life doesn't fulfil me.

Luc complains all the time about anything and it's no reflection on me and there's little I can do to change this.

I'm overweight. This is the only thing out of the lot that I control.

I know there will always be things that will be hard for me to accept. My optimistic natures likes to spin things into a hopeful light, but sometimes I need to face facts so I can move on already.

I have a hard time changing my attitude about some things. Sometimes you have to try and be like a rock and let the water flow around you.

I think you have a really good point. What's that quote? "You can change anything you want. You just can't change everything you want."

I know how hard it is to let things go, I tend to be the same way, agonizing over everything I'm not satisfied with (which is everything) and trying to change it all. I guess we have to choose our battles sometimes.

Will be thinking of you!