The Contingency Plan

Yes, it's one of my lesser points. And no, I'm not talking about celebrity crushes but about every day down-the-road kinds. I seem to have a knack of attracting men I'm awfully compatible with yet can't/won't pursue. U-huh, poor me.

The crushes usually consist of an occassional belly flutter but sometimes develop into thought plagues that consume my dreams and quiet times.

An unassuming encounter. I'm unaware of what's happening until WOW I want to brush skin, be held. Adored. No it's not about sex. It's about the challenge of winning someone's intimacy. The connection of a conversation that just keeps on clicking.

I used to entertain these notions. Push my boundaries until I was right over the edge. Arms waving in big circles. But I now know I'd be left feeling like used teeth on sale so I no longer test. It would be too unfair. To Luc, myself and the poor fellow who's emailing and the other whose text messages I instantly erase. They naturally know it's a no.

And Luc's so busy right now. So overworked. I might see him a hour a day and even then it's not quality time. I feel like an immature child that needs consistent attention because I'm longing.

I miss my piano. I miss sitting. Straight back. Fingers gently resting on weighted keys. Opening my insides and playing for hours until I feel empty and satisfied.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with desire. It's usually during these silent scenes at night when I sit and remember who I am. And I want to dance, feel rain, really rest and be found fascinating but for some reason this all feels out of my reach.

I used to play piano also. I bought the kids a toy keyboard for Christmas. Sadly, my music reading ability has declined so much that I was barely able to read the melodies to simple kids' songs.

My family used to go to church on Christmas Eve but I would stay home and play the piano in the candlelight. I think I was more spiritually refreshed than my mom was when she came home from church.