The Contingency Plan

I realised during our date on Friday night that Luc and I have been together for seven years this December. Wow. Our annivesary has always been a little tricky to determine - do we count 'togetherness' from the moment we stopped dating other people? From the conversation where we both confessed to liking each other? Or from the moment we met in person?

I'm currently using December 1999 as it's the time we started using the term 'us'. Luc and I learnt a great deal about each other during our long distance online affair; it would be a shame to disregard that fun, curious and exciting time.

The first time Luc and I celebrated our anniversary was around four years ago. We set the date to August 23 - the date Luc landed in Australia and although we were very poor at the time, we made plans, wrote sappy bits of 'literature' and tried to ignore our finances, but love did not conquer all. After two horrid anniversaries we decided to call quits on the 'celebrations' for the sake of our relationship. It may sound sad but it was more of a relief after two such disappointing outcomes. The event felt way too forced.

I think Luc and I work better with more impulsive occassions, such as our date on Friday night. We were both exhausted from work but still determined to go out so we went for a long walk through the brisk and buzzing air of the city, had dinner and watched an IMAX movie. It was low-key, there was lots of talk, laughter and affection - perfect. Planned events don't seem to go down as well.

Despite this, sometimes I feel really sad about the fact that we don't celebrate an anniversary. I battle to determine whether I feel it because I feel we should or because it's a time that can make two people feel happy and close. I think we've acheived a lot together and perhaps that alone it should be acknowledged.

I remember the scandal that hit when I first shared news of my relationship with Luc with my friends. They didn't understand why I was smitten with someone online when there were plenty of other guys interesting and interested at the time. People who met online were considered pathetic, social mishaps who used the web to weave alternate identities and mask their obesity/bad hair/hideous teeth/dire personality.

I read an article today about how Internet relationships are playing a major part in the break up of thousands of Australian marriages. Even though public opinion has somewhat changed, I was still surprised to read a councellor in the article say that the anonymity of the Internet provides the appeal, and platform for these cheaters to create a slightly different persona/ life.

Even though this is a very valid point, I don't think it's the real reason for these online affairs. I remember when I first met Luc in a Yahoo! chatroom. I was initially sceptical but became totally engaged with how quickly we travelled past the usual boundaries, games and facades. We absolutely clicked. There was an addictive element of surprise to our conversations and an ease in sharing very personal stories because they weren't done face to face. We became experts at reading each other's voices and expressions and took a lot of effort to consistently email, telephone and share photos. By the time we met, we knew each other quite intimately.

There has to be something deeper to these online relationships for people to leave their marriages; some form of trust and connection for them to contain hope. It can't be just the cyber sex but the ease of forming another strong emotional connection that's the most threatening.

Anyway, a client of mine believes that the life of a man goes through cycles of seven years. Each seven years the man will willingly or unwillingly go through a major life change. The client is a well read man in his 40s who read the book while completing his MBA and recommends it as a classic and essential read. Coincidentally both Luc and Chloe's husband are due for their seventh year itch next year so we were a little hesitant to hear of the apparent change. Nevertheless, I can't help wondering whether the double whammy of our seventh year together and Luc's seven year itch next year will disolve our relationship or give us a real anniversary to properly celebrate.

Yes, of couse it has to be that extreme.

I've found those forced celebrations of relationships just don't work, or disappoint.

As you know, I met the Citizen online. But we still don't brag about it.

I saw the article on the Internet breaking up marriages. But before the Internet, there were singles ads, phone sex, porno mags and movies, the hot young thing down the street, etc. Maybe the Internet makes it easier for the types that would waver, but the Pandora's box has already been opened. Not much we can do about it.

And I don't know about your mother, but my mother-in-law thinks the number 7 is bad luck. My husband says it's a Chinese superstition. If there really ARE 7 people at the dinner table we need to set an 8th place anyway. Can't buy 7 things at the store, either take one out of the cart or add another. And so on. But here's hoping the 7th year is good luck for you and Luc.

I agree but think online chatting a lot more convenient and cheaper than answering a single ads or indulging in phone sex/prostitutes/porn.

Mum is a little superstitious but not really. We would never set an extra place at the table our take out a grocery item to make up the number eight. She's quite liberal in that sense, though I know not all my family are the same.

I hope next year is a good year too!

Did the Citizen live in the US when you guys first met online?

Yes, he lived in Miami :)

of course, i now remember reading your story on your blog... sorry!