The Contingency Plan

Today I visited the newborn baby of a close friend and realised how BIG Hugo is now. The tiny baby was so small and still and Hugo was gentle and sweet. In a few months time he'll be two years old. Wow. He's growing to be such an active, sensitive and cheeky boy. We have such fun. I'd normally be considering another child but no, ma body canne handle it just yet.

I'm still so frustrated with my body.

I became quite depressed after my day surgery was cancelled last Friday, or the one before that. I couldn't blog because I felt so empty. The official name of my problem is an anal fistula and mine is special because the tear (which occuring during childbirth) goes from my bowel to some place in my vagina. Day surgery is required to connect the dots before things can get mended.

And the utterly soul-crushing side-effects include sometimes shitting myself through my vagina. It's not a lot and I do it unknowingly because I simply don't have control over it. It's so very depressing. Gone are the days of g-strings, or dignity for that matter. It doesn't happen everyday, but it's still too often and I'm so very angry at the condescending fuckwit of a doctor I had for over a year who dismissed the problem as if I was dreaming it up.

My mother knows about it but she's really the only one only because it's often too hard to talk physically with someone about it. I still get really upset. This feels so dirty and degrading and upsetting and really, I try to deal with it by realising how much of a gorgeous son I'm lucky to have.

My specialist and doctor told me that I can't give birth naturally again (c-section is very highly recommended to ensure the tearing doesn't recur) and frankly, I'm not sure if I'm up for it again.

So, do you have a new day surgery appointment yet? It does sound like a terrible thing to have, but once you get fixed up it'll just be a bad memory.

As far as c-sections go, don't stress too much (if you are at all). I've had two now and I'm doing fine.

Hope all is well for you very soon. :)

I'm sure it took a lot of courage for you to share this, and I hope it feels good getting if off your chest. I have heard of fistula, actually the main thing I've heard is the associated stigma that women who have it often feel. It can be devastating for many women. It's not your fault, and it's not dirty. Nothing to feel ashamed of. Getting rid of your fuckwit doctor is a very good thing. You have a beautiful son, and you have different options for corrective surgery, right? I hope your surgery will be re-scheduled soon and you will be back to loving your body again. Wishing you lots of support and strength.

So, can you sue the doctor? Because that is surely what would happen in the states.

Glad to hear Hugo is doing well.

Thank you Bente, Kyra and Junebee for the support.

I already have a date set for the day surgery - 21 July. I was hoping to get it done before Rachel left, but no such luck as she leaves on the 17th. We'll hopefully have another au-pair in time!

Not sure if I can sue the doctor or whether I can be bothered. I can't turn back time and just want to quickly get this fixed and put it behind me.

Thankfully I've noticed that the side effects aren't as bad if I don't eat dairy or caffeine... I've actually lost quite a bit of weight - emphasise the positive, right?

good luck with the surgery. and you should totally sue. that's something that should've been taken care of during delivery.

Yeah...I hear you. I don't have the same issue, but I can imagine it. I've had two c-sections, and one vaginal delivery which got me the epesiotomy from hell.

Seriously, the c-section is not that bad - a second baby would be worth it. 3? Er......well...... ;)

(((k)))

Oh god, I was always so scared of an epesiotomy.

My mother swears against more than three children as apparently the damage then is b.a.d.

I think I'd definitely have a second child, not sure about a third. I'd shamelessly consider it if the second was another boy....