The Contingency Plan

I've been finding immense peace and comfort lately in prayers and thoughts of God. Small habits have crept back into my mind as a result of conversations with friends, my surgery and emails with my cousin John.

This issue has traditionally been flaged with pain and confusion but I'm starting to feel clarity and strength, something I think we're all meant to sense.

And stemming from thoughts of God I've thought a lot about the church. I've wanted to write of my church experiences for a while now but have failed on every occassion. My sentences come out fragmented and I pick the wrong stories from the scores on offer. I spend hours writing, re-writing and editing. Nothing flows and I don't want this to feels disjointed....

It took me years to realise that the two (God and Church) are different things, yet when I think of one I ultimately end up thinking of the other. And I have such conflicted, but predominantly negative opinion of churches.

My family started going to the Hillsong church, then called Hills Christian Life Centre, around twenty years ago when I was seven or eight years old. Back then the church was held in a rented warehouse, which was filled with a few hundred people each week. Although the congregation was affluent and fashionable, they were also genuine, friendly, accepting and warm. Our family quickly became an active part of the church, especially since we were a musical bunch who responded well with the catchy, modern and emotive music.

I have a lot of fond memories of my younger years there. I was one of the first two girls to attend a youth camp at 11 years old (everyone else was at least five years older than me), one of five to inspire the first youth choir and one of 20 to form the first 'Wildlife' youth group for early teens. I felt really at home, especially since my actual home was always dramatic and unpredictable. Church was a great oasis. I spent 3-4 weeks a year on camp with friends and leaders and around four nights a week at church services, youth, choir/band practice, dance practice, cell group, etc.

My parents were strict and had a strong focus on serving the people around us. We got up at 6am every Sunday morning to serve the church congretation free tea and coffee before each service. My parents opened our home to anyone without one. It was packed with people weekly for Bible study group, Christmases were a full house event of around 40 people as anyone without family was sincerely welcomed as one of our own. My folks helped the church reach out to an Asian community and established an Asian church in the suburbs. Even though Mum can't read or write English, she went to Bible college. Missionaries lived with us to learn Mandarin. My parents never pretended to be holier than thou - they swore, had tempers, were really rough around the edges and because of this I think people truly felt comfortable and sought their company and advice.

And as a result of our involvement, I had a really close knit network of friends and older leaders who gave me plenty of advice and support during those confusing and angst-ridden teenage years. But when I was 17, I finished high school and stopped going to church as well. It wasn't a sudden decision but a slow and quiet move away from the people there.

I was tired of people doing good out of obligation or to prove their spirituality. I was weary of trying to fit into the strong culture, always needing to look and dress a certain way. I wanted to meet normal, everyday individuals. I didn't want to be accountable to anyone. I wanted to test my beliefs and convictions without the scrutiny of others. I no longer felt a connection.

From my experience, church seemed then less about serving, caring about or helping people and more about selfish spirituality. Christians are so burnt-out, consumed with attending services, prayer groups, seminars, conferences, workshops, meetings, events, rallies, cell groups - so much so that they don't have time to see or support their families or help their every day communities. They can't communicate on level with normal non-church people due to their self-righteousness and judgemental opinions and have no idea what's going on beyond their social circle.

And I loathe the lingo. Talk of changing the world. Changing your life forever. Being 'full on for God'. Backsliding. Awesome. Amazing. Fulfilling your destiny and purpose. Fighting against evil. And I hate how everyone looks like they've featured in the same catalogue as it demonstrates laziness or fear to find your own style and taste. I don't like how a personal relationship with a higher being is up for the judgement of others - if you don't attend church for a few weeks then people openly question your spiritual dedication. It's ridiculous.

When I left church I lost most of my friends there. It was a painful experience that pushed me more towards people outside of the faith. I had leaders tell me God's cover would only last a certain time if I didn't go back, something I don't believe is founded on any truth.

And don't get my started on the experience of my gay church friends or mother when she got divorced. It was hard to see her receive absolutely no support, especially after all that she'd done there. My father had spread a false, malicious rumour about her being a prostitute so people she had housed in our home snubbed her in the streets, no one returned her calls and the only pastor who rang, did so four years later and received the wrath of her sharp tongue. I find it infuriating.

Ultimately I know that churches are made of people so they'll never be perfect and suited to some more than others. I know that the Hillsong church positively impacts many around the world, but still find it offensive when fresh-faced friends of Natasha badger and try to guilt me into attending, as if my spirituality depends on it. I can't handle the production of the place. The short and shiny sermons, the lights, cameras, effects, slick presentations, credit card facilities. It seems so impersonal, just like a big business whose product is all things God-related.

It's depressing. Sometimes I think I'd like to go to a church. I'd love to raise Hugo with some strong moral and principles but can't seem to find one I can swallow. And this fills me with such sadness, especially when I think of the peace, strength and serenity I can find with God.

"Sometimes I think I'd like to go to a church. I'd love to raise Hugo with some strong moral and principles but can't seem to find one I can swallow."

I've been thinking along the same lines too. I would like the Branch and Blossom to find religions that are meaningful to them instead of having it shoved down their throats like I did. (Without, of course, running off with some whacky cult). However, I read another source that said kids who grow up with no religion at all are more ungrounded than those who grow up with one that they choose to reject. And I still have my own doubts about Christianity, so I would find it hypocritical to take the Branch and Blossom to Bible school when I would not attend!

My mother finally realized it was a losing battle to get me to go to churc h after I had been in hospital when I was 12. Suddenly after that I was never forced to go. (I used to sit there and do word puzzles in a mini-puzzle book anyway!). She was also put off by the fact that nobody from the church visited me while I was in hospital.

I think sometimes you have to try a bunch of different churches and find one that suits you. In the U.S. there are so many, large and small, plain and fancy. There must be something for just about everyone.

Hope you're starting to feel better. Are you up and about yet?

The thought of parents helping a child to find a suitable religion quite mind-blowing to me, just something I've never experienced. Christianity was never shoved down our throats, I think my family sincerely and whole-heartedly believe in a God that was represented in quite an engaging way through the church. I just don't find the church that relavant anymore.

I'm not sure if I'm cool with structured religious organisations. Still battling with that one. I think I'd like a group of friends I can talk about spiritual things with, that would be ok. I still feel quite hard and closed to this.

I'm starting to feel better but still reliant on pain killers and laxatives. I'm getting up and about a little more, but still spend the majority of each day sitting or lying down. It's really frustrating. I just hope everything's healing well as I don't want to go through this again!!

thank you for writing this post

Sorry for the late commenting on this one... I know exactly what you mean. And it's funny, because I did find that church that I was looking for, but didn't even realize I was looking for... the unitarian universalist church. It's a very progressive, non-Christian church (though rooted in Christianity), and promotes intellectual soul-searching. Each person is on their own spiritual path, and there is no creed or set of beliefs to subscribe to. It's intellectually challenging and pushes you to think hard about what you believe, mixing in a lot of different ideas and religious tenets.

And they have a fantastic curriculum for children growing up in the church. The kids learn about world religions and are challenged to think about what they believe. Anyway, thought you might be interested. Maybe this is near you? http://www.anzua.org/brisbane.