The Contingency Plan

I wrote a while ago of re-aquainting myself with dylan, a high school buddy of mine but can't seem to find the post to link to. i feel as though i've created this post so many times over but can't remember what's real and what's fabricated in my mind. dates and events weave in and out of time with no logical chronology.

like all of my high school friendships of any worth, this one blossomed once we had escaped the bell.

we had an interesting friendship, if you could call it that.

dylan's company was always fleeting. he was always restless. he would turn up like a ghost, we would talk, chain smoke, he would play me some music and all the while i knew we wasn't really with me. his mind was always somewhere elsewhere, he was never content with what was present, never comfortable or still, always shaking, fidgeting, leaving as fast as he came.

i was attracted to something in dylan. it wasn't a romantic or sexual. no, it was a little deeper or somehow more pathetic. dylan always seemed so lost to me and i wanted to be his saviour. i wanted to ignite his hope, provide a safe haven and point a direction. i think he indulged me this and in return i let him shape my music tastes and come and go without any accountability.

i knew whenever he had a girlfriend as our contact would wane. one even banned him from seeing me. i can't remember whether i ever revealed my true essence, but feel he sensed it anyway. for a while i entertained the thought that he was in love with me and that's why he's never been able to accept my relationship with luc.

i doubt it now. the only thing certain is that my friendship with dylan cannot survive while my relationship with luc continues.

dylan fell out in february and i made no effort to buy any bricks. while indulging in a little chemical enlightenment, he sincerely believed luc was trying to hack into his computer and mess with his mind, instant message him with bits and pieces from web pages he was reading, or interpretations from dreams he was having. he called me around five times in the wee hours, leaving messages that demanded i call him back NOW. when i did call in the morning, i was quite blown away by the ludicriousy. i later wrote him an email asking him what drugs he was on and for the sake of our friendship not to make such stupid accusations about luc again. this was his reply:

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Xanax.

I apologise, in all sincerity for what I suggested, I realise how elaborate and ridiculous it would have sounded to you, but it made perfect sense to me at the time, and you won't understand that, nor should you have any reason to. I'm at a point, where I feel as though I cannot trust anyone who isn't bound to me by blood, or has at least shared enough of my life, and personal moments to date to make me think otherwise. I'm paranoid, and sceptical, and I'm not looking for diagnosis, or help, I'm out for truth and love, but due to my own hang-ups and insecurities, I'm quite far from either. We don't love one-another, we don't know one-another. We don't have anymore than a history behind us, which I thought could be enough to re-ignite a friendship, and learn about who we are now, but my actions prove otherwise, and again, for my behaviour, I'm sorry, I know somewhere inside me that you're better than that.

I'll take the blame, and I'll be around I'm sure, but you don't need this. Really.

We would be cool, if I was cool.

That 'Dylan' guy from high school.

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i felt wounded when i read the note but made no effort to reply. i didn't know how to.

dylan sent me a year's worth of his journal entries to read at the beggining of the year and made me a mixed tape of music and i didn't look or listen to either one. i did nothing and only last night started reading some of his sentences.

during a visit to my house, he searched through my ipod and was sorely dissappointed at all the shiny pop. i explained most of my favourites weren't on there but knew his opinion of me had waned. i was that cool girl who hooked up with that successful guy, had a baby and lost all credibility. i sent him some old poetry and a link to this blog but did nothing else. i didn't know how to open up to him.

i find myself thinking about dylan's note every now and then, especially the part where he says, "We don't love one-another, we don't know one-another. We don't have anymore than a history behind us, which I thought could be enough to re-ignite a friendship, and learn about who we are now, but my actions prove otherwise, and again, for my behaviour, I'm sorry, I know somewhere inside me that you're better than that."

I know somewhere inside me that you're better than that.

at first i thought his note showed that he had no idea, was clueless and didn't know me at all, but now i think he was right and will let him remain a ghost that billows with certain nostalgic breezes.

Seems like he's still a little lost and insecure as evident by trying to make you feel guilty by writing: "I know somewhere inside me that you're better than that."

He also seems unwilling to accept that others may have changed as they grew older, while he's stayed the same. Just enjoy the good memories and leave things as they are!

He sounds a little lost, I agree. I am totally one for going back into the past and expecting things to be the same. Everyone moves on, I guess.

You know, I used to think that I was ok with things changing, but I do tend to revel in thoughts of people's basic characters staying the same.

For instance if I bond with or have a strong connection with someone and don't see them for a while, I still like to think we'd be able to find commmon ground.

This is possibly why encounters with people like Dylan leave me sad and baffled.