The Contingency Plan

When I was younger, my mother would suffer from terribly realistic dreams of my father having an affair. He usually cheated on her with one of her friends and she would wake emotional and angry and find it hard to differentiate between this surreal experience and real life.

When Dylan and I had our last falling out, we were discussing his rather traumatic dreams. Of all the people I know, he seems to suffer the most horrific experiences. Drenched with violence, bloodshed and loss, they would linger on his mood for days. It was as though he literally went through the experience and was trying to cope with its aftermath.

And my own dreams are affecting me lately. I also wake as though I've experienced a real life event and am conjuring two common 'types'.

In the first, and most frequent, I have an affair with someone I know or used to be acquainted with. The moments shared between myself and this other are extremely intimate, both physically and emotionally. We become quite bonded yet I suffer great confusion on whether I should leave Luc with Hugo to pursue this new relationship. In some cases, Luc is like a shadow in the dream and not a real person so I can have this extra relationship without it affecting my current one. I wake missing this other person and find it difficult to be warm and loving with Luc. To be (reasonably) fair to Luc, I usually explain that I've had another crazy dream but always tell him that he's the one who's had the affair (!!) as the truth is too close to our past experiences. Luc doesn't remember any of his dreams so he doesn't understand why mine affect me to the extent that they do.

And in the second stream, one of three things occur:

1. My parents die. I sob, loose control of myself to overwhelming grief, plan their funeral and live for a time afterwards with a severe sense of loss. They never die together. Usually Dad dies first and then Mum will follow within two week. The dream always starts once Mum has passed and although I am the person I am today in the dream, my parents were happily together and married when they die, which seems to make the loss greater. I usually wake still crying and sadly bug my mother that day with phone calls to make sure she's still alive!

2. I confront my father for all of the shitty things he's done. I become violently angry yet when I go to hit him, my actions have no force and I am powerless.

3. Sophie either contacts me or we bump into each other at a social event. We're usually happy to see each other but after a short period of time, I become passionately mad at her, usually give her a good verbal bollocking and last night, I literally threw her out of an event.

I think anyone who has read this blog can tell me what these dreams mean. I don't think they're terribly cryptic but wonder whether they may be some kind of 'sign' that I should be doing one thing or another.

Fears or desires? Both? Why fear our desires? Because in reality people are not who we make them to be?

Not a peep about Hugo's second birthday!?! I've been waiting months to hear about it!

SQ: I think definitely both. Eek, who knows.

Junebee: I am SO sorry! Will get onto that straight away.