The Contingency Plan

The days have been scratching away at my sanity and I feel myself entering a hybernation of sorts, eager for time alone and swallowing books with an avid and almost insatiable hunger.

I've read three books this week, all at least 300 pages long, more than I've managed all year.

Our recent move has been such a strain. I know this will sound dramatic but I feel as though I've lost part of myself in it all the stressful activity. Not much, maybe a few hairs and a toenail, but something nevertheless.

I'm still dealing with the fallout and even though I'm on 'holiday', I've been working everyday on media for a client, including Christmas day. It's heavy stuff too.

I read my star sign last week and besides the standard generalisations that can apply to anyone, it mentioned my 'type' being attracted to drama. I later read an email from a good friend who wrote "ah there's always something new with you Kazumi, it's part of what I love about you".

I think there's some element of truth to all of this. I do become bored easily, I seek out new thoughts, people and opportunities. Two weeks ago I found myself calling Phil's old number. I haven't spoken to Phil in over two years but had a sudden desire to hear his voice and laugh at his easy, relentless banter.

Luckily I didn't get through. But for the next two hours I was raw and unwired, and amazed at my audacity. What on earth was I thinking? People like Phil are better left in my past. I often think and write about how I'd like my life to settle into a lovely and predictable rythmn and acts like this make me question myself (and my stupidity).

You wrote: "People like Phil are better left in my past." I'm sure this sentiment has something to do with performance theory--the way we (re)construct people in our memories to suit our own needs and desires (if not to mirror parts of our own identities). Sigh. Alas, I'll never full research or add to this theory b/c I have resignatedly assigned myself to a different role . . .

Sounds like a chaotic holiday. Glad you got moved okay.

I get in those moods too and I become desperate to talk to someone I knew years ago. It eventually passes, though, but I can't believe how badly I "need" to get ahold of them at the time. Like your Phil these people are also best left in the past.

Here's to a Happy New Year!

I get bored easily too. I sometimes worry I can't stick to anything for long enough. Enjoy the break.

SQ: Happy New Merry!! I think you're definitely onto something with that theory. My memories of those I'm no longer in touch with almost always reflect a need - whether it's laughter, imtimacy, conversation, etc. Oh how I would love to sit in on a class that you teach!!

Junebee: Yes, the move looks fine now that it's done and dusted.

Blurry: Glad you can relate. I haven't felt the "need" to talk to Phil since that day that I called, thank God I didn't get through.

Em: I think that I suit PR simply because it's forever moving and changing, boredom finds me very easily. Hope you're settling into Melbourne well!