The Contingency Plan

I've been thinking about dreams a lot lately. The older I get, the more I find myself reflecting on the passions I had when I was younger. I know that I'm by no means old, but I'm not a kid anymore and definitely aware of the years pulling down my skin.

This question of "when to give up on your dreams" was posed on Triple J's Hack program a few weeks ago and I listened, surprisingly captured by what some of the callers were saying. Have any of you given up on a dream? If so, when and why?

One man called in after suffering injuring while preparing for the Olympic Games, another wanted to be famous, one wanted to be an AFL player and all I could think of was my intial plan of becoming a professional dancer.

My high school reunion reminded me of this. I was approached at least 4-5 times during the night by people eager to know whether I still danced. Surprised to hear the questions (as I have such a different life now), I went home, pulled out my dusty graduation book and read that I was "most likely to move overseas and be the Aussie to dance with Janet Jackson" (how embarrassing!). She was the pinacle though...

So why am I here instead of there? I've given this some as I know I was good and had made the right contacts. When I stopped dancing I had just completed another music video clip for Sony and was the only female to be approached by a reputable group of professionally sponsored dancers to join. Most of them weren't from Sydney and were preparing for an upcoming tour of Tokyo. I started preparing with the team but my dedication waned with the excitment of working on my dot com idea.

I don't like having regrets. Perhaps I thought I had plenty of time - I could pursue a back up career, another dream (PR), and then try dancing with those contacts already in place? I've been feeling a little conflicted lately. I'm pretty ambitious and love what I do, but sometimes feel as though I've missed out.

Luc has started to play squash three times a week and I've noticed the difference in his happiness. He loves squash and used to compete in Canada. He's more grounded now, his life seems to have balance. He's making new friends, has more energy and is taking greater care of his health.

Near the end of the Triple J Hack program, a life couch/counsellor (can't remember) brought back the story of the man with professional AFL dreams and questioned whether his dream was to become famous playing AFL, or simply to play the game.

And since then I've been wondering whether my dream wasn't to become a famous dancer (as embarrasing as that is to admit), but just to dance. Fame was attractive when I was a teen, but definitely isn't anymore.

I've wanted to dance again for years but fear the torchure of the classes in my truly out of shape body, the disappointment of seeing my figure in those studio mirrors and having to start right at the bottom again when I'm so competitive.

Talking, thinking, planning and never doing. It's driving me crazy. I wrote this entry over two weeks ago but didn't post it because I was scared of putting this out there and letting myself down.

But friends, I have to do something. I have to do something. I have to do something.

There's a beginners class I've been eyeing out for weeks now and wonder whether I'll have the guts to make the time to go, even though my clothes are old and I'll probably die from the jiggle of my belly knocking me out.