The Contingency Plan

I remember the first moment I saw the film "As Good As It Gets". My heart sank the moment Jack Nicolson's characters stormed out of his therapist's office and said to those in the waiting room "what if this is as good as it gets?" And although it's one of my favourite movies, I felt the gasp that one of the characters in that room made in response to that question.

I've struggled with seeing myself happy lately. Over the past seven years my life has been crowded with sad and dramatic events and part of me is fearful to want anything more. I can sit with this sadness. It's predictable, almost controllable. Happiness is distracting and fleeting.

I don't like talking about my sadness or depression here sometimes, especially because I'm happy on paper. I've been with Luc for nearly seven years, Hugo is beautiful, happy and healthy, I have the opportunity to build my own business with a wonderful partner, we have an au-pair for daily support. I have friends. We rent a place that overlooks the water. We have two cars, a big tv. This should equate to a heartfelt smile, yes?

But I'm missing the fireworks and the notion that my life is progressing excitedly forward. And I miss the feeling that I'm really connected to other people who will notice if I'm not around everyday. Or not even that dramatic - people who just like being around me and think of me.

When I was a young girl, I remember my mother and our old neighbours talking about the 'making the most of the life that you've picked' and wonder whether should this now apply to me. Are my expectations totally unrealistic? Do fireworks simply blind you from the harshness of reality and mundaneness of daily life?

I feel like I'm in a rut. I'm having trouble sleeping again and I don't know what I can do to get myself out of it. Sometimes I don't care either. I really don't want to be dramatic. I'm not dying. I guess I just feel like getting this out there.

Hello Kazumi,
I understand what you are going through. I don't understand why but sometimes the mood can be so low... maybe it's hormonal. :-)
PS: the appartment where Hugo was conceived has just been sold and that made me think a lot about you.

Hey Manie,
Thanks for the note :)
You're probably right about the hormones. Sometimes being on a regular clock can be draining as I was off one for so long! Had a good day today though - a day at a time, right?
I'm so curious to know who you are. You must know me quite well to know the apartment where Hugo was conceived. Any hints?

French girl... ;-)

two beautiful boys?? moved back to paris recently??

Nope Sorry, don't have beautiful boys and we are still in Sydney (same apartment)... other hint... Really nice entrees downstairs, great vegetarian main next door and Chocolate mousse not cold enough, upstairs...

sorry i don't know.

heavy sigh:

and the notion that my life is progressing excitedly forward

and the notion that my life is progressing excitedly forward

and the notion that my life is progressing excitedly forward

yep. Betty Friedan tried to figure this out in the early 60s . . . what's up with us?? Fed romantic, ideal notions that we can never fully live up to? I dunno. But I'm almost ready to _do_ something . . .