The Contingency Plan

Our current au-pair is a nineteen year old girl from Germany and even though she's leaving us in just over two week's time, I think we've bonded a lot over the last few weeks.

One thing I enjoy about this au-pair experience is the sense that I can be a bit of positive influence on these younger girls. I had a very rewarding experience with our last au-pair. When Rachael left us, she wrote a touching card about how living with us had changed her life, raised her confidence and helped her through some heavy issues she was working through. We're still in contact and I just love the communication.

Anyway, the down-side of the experience is that sometimes I feel like I've have gained a temperamental teenage daughter. She's living away from home (for the first time) and sees me as a bizarre mixture of mother and boss. Clear boundaries need to be set and consistently re-inforced and sometimes it's just not fun (though I'm trying to approach it as practice for the future). I'm learning how someone's upbringing affects their relationships. I'm not sure whether it's a generational thing or a matter of upbringing, but the younger girls are more about the 'take' than the 'give' and want everything and anything immediately. Or am I just getting older here?

Now that Susi's approaching the end of her trip, she's totally freaked out about the amount of weight she's gained while living in Australia, but instead of exercising and eating healthy meals, she's taken to just eating one meal a day. This has been going on for nearly two weeks now and is starting to stress me out.

I've had a number of conversations with her. I did the same thing when I was her age, so I tried explaining the devastating effects this has, long-term, on her body and its metabolism. I tried suggesting a number of small meals or snacks throughout the day vs. one big meal at the end and even said that if she wanted quick and effective weight loss, that there were more effective ways of doing it, but nothing I'm saying is having any effect on her. She doesn't need to be so drastic but wants to return home tanned and skinny and laughs off my efforts, insisting on continuing with this stupidity.

Luc tells me that I shouldn't bother or care, but I'm finding it hard to do this. I'm starting to wonder how I can effectively communicate the negativity of her self-inflicted actions? She mentions it almost daily so do I starve the attention (she's shamelessly used to an abundance of attention from her parents)? Do I just dismiss it as something most girls go through as stick with the positive re-inforcements?

Any suggestions??

I think postive re-inforcements are the way to go, but without going overboard. I can imagine it is frustrating to watch, but as you know, when us girls are teenagers we can be a hard headed and very self concious lot. I think letting her know better ways to go about weight loss is still a good idea, though. You never know when she'll finally get it.

Ah how right you are Bente, I was so stubborn about this when I was her age!
I've noticed that Susi consistently likes to talk about her eating habits - whether it's mentioning that she hasn't eaten yet, or commenting on the fat content of food... It was happening more than once a day and would lead to us talking about her 'once a day' policy.
So, I've told her that I care for her, that I think she's smart and beautiful, that her habits are really unhealthy and unwise and that I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I've also stocked the house with more fruit and healthier snacks and have noticed that she's grazing a little more......... just a little......

I've read that young women get their body images from their mother. If their mothers were always fretting about weight, starving themselves, yo-yo dieting and so forth, the girls will be the same way. It may not be possible to change her insistant chatter about weight and food, but you're setting good examples by having healthy food around the house, so that's probably all you can do. You seem to feel somewhat responsible for this girl, but there's only so much you can do.

Hi, just stumbled upon your blog. My daughter is 19 and currently working as an au pair in Germany. The first posting she had turned into a nightmare, with the family thinking they had a new cook/cleaner/babysitter etc fulltime, without giving her any direction at all. She quickly lost weight and then THAT became an issue (she has never been a big girl anyway). It was not pretty. She is now working for a new family and loving every minute of it - the family are very clear and clean about what is expected - everything is written down and they eat lunch together everyday. She is encouraged to prepare at least 2 lunches per week - so slowly she has regained her lost weight and is now smiling again. It was very hard for me (as her mother) to hear her so unhappy on the phone, when things were not working out. One of the other things that has really helped, is that the family have arranged for her to meet other people her own age and have at least a reasonable social life. This has meant that she is now putting 110% into her 'work' - loves the kids - and helps out willingly and happily.

We had a German exchange student living with us for a year and she too gained weight - I think a lot of it was eating at night (when most germans have their main meal in the middle of the day) - and not using the bike as much as she would have at home (much too dangerous in Sydney most of the time). I too noticed that she started to cut back on meals and lie out in the sun as much as possible in the month leading up to her return home...this is a European "I have been on holiday, looking at how brown I am" sort of thing. Sorry to waffle on - just thought your post was really nice about how you have tried to be a positive influence on your au pair.
Cheers L

Hi Linda,
I can't imagine how stressful that was for you, especially as she was so far away!! I've heard some terrible stories from the friends of our au-pairs. I always admire the girls for doing such a courageous thing!
As a mother, I always treat our au-pairs the way I'd want someone to treat Hugo one day if he were in the same position.
We always outline all duties and expectations before an au-pair starts (on paper, which we both agree to) and I'm very strict when it comes to staying within these boudaries. If there are times when we need a little more, then Luc and I always reward this with extra time off, extra money, flowers or clothes. We've always let them have friends over too - our house has to feel like a home and have given both au-pairs a bonus of a Harbour Bridge Climb to say 'thanks' at the end of their stay.
Good point about the weight gain issue. I understand Germans eat their big meal for lunch and eat lightly for dinner (salads, etc) and we're quite the opposite. Susi also used to ride her bike a lot and spent most of her free time chatting online with friends back home, lounging at the beach or drinking with friends. It was the first time she lived out of home, so fun times :)
What a relief to hear your daughter found a good family to live with!
We're in the process of finding a new au-pair and have found it really tough. There aren't many girls coming out for winter and we're in competition with at least four other families for every au-pair.
I keep reminding myself that everything will work out for good as I think we have a lot to offer...