The Contingency Plan

At first the sadness invaded my nights. I'm an easy target in the dark, sitting here alone, watching the telly or playing with Hugo and his toys. I'm still getting used to how two dimensional my life feels now that Luc is rarely around. Our space remains hollow.

Hugo misses his Dad. He's even making up stories as to why he's not around. Sometimes he wakes when I'm putting him to sleep and wants to know where Luc is. He disagrees when I say he's at work. Hugo thinks Luc is out buying him presents.

I bawl every damn day. Who thought I had so many tears? I'm tired of my grief but feel there's still so much inside.

Luc is like a ghost in our house. I still smell him in our bed. His clothes mixed in with mine. His stupid gym towels. This aftershave. He still leaves his shoes in the hallway, his razors all over the bathroom vanity, his cereal bowls on the counter. Still half full of Cherio flavoured milk.

I went to work today, the fresh air shocking me back into the world outside of my four walls and found that the sadness never leaves. It shamelessly lurks in my shadow. I experience brief moments of freedom when contemplating work, new business proposals or media angles but am then shocked into the realisation all over again.

His heart is no longer mine.

I know you'll find the strength to answer Hugo's questions so he can understand. Hopefully Luc will still stay in touch with Hugo. Can you get child support?

Yes, I'll definitely get child support but I don't want to rely on that as my main source of income though. And I'm only going to answer Hugo honestly when it comes to his Dad - if he's at work then I'll say he's at work. If I don't know then I'll say that as well - definitely don't want to lie to cover his ass!

i find that our days are parallel. it is best to keep busy, and just let eveything out that needs to come out. after the sadness, there is anger intermixed with intense longing. your writing is beautiful though--even though it is sad. i know the ghost feeling. and all about children asking for their fathers. my daughter does it too.