The Contingency Plan

my only company tonight is the rain. i can hear its echo and the movement of cars driving outside. the house is dimly lit and although this is a blissful time of solitude and silence, i feel quietly panicked.

hugo is sleeping and i'm online to google parental separation and its effects on a two and a half year old boy. hugo can definitely sense something is wrong and he's been a clingy and angry child over the past couple of weeks. mum was looking after him last night and called me today, worried as she saw so much anger in him, anger that was never there before. she said that she overheard him talking to himself last night (this was when he was upset after i had left) and he was livid and yelling things like 'go away, i don't want you here, i don't like this' and he was then trying to push mum away, which is something he's never done before either. he's never said this kind of stuff before. he's usually sooky when i leave but perks up a minute or so later.

he's started to really fear abandonment too. he's ok when it's just the two of us at home or when harry is staying over (which i'm encouraging more now that luc is away). but when luc is around, he has to be in the same room as me, whether i'm cleaning or taking a shower. he really freaks out if i'm not within sight. there are other things i've noticed too, like he wants to act like a baby more often, doesn't want to feed himself anymore and wants me to feed him instead, wants to drink his bottle all the time, wants to hold my breast if he's upset or insecure (which is unfortunately quite often) and he's already started to talk about monsters, which i was surprised at and think could signify fear and insecurity.

hugo still consistently asks for his dad but when he is around, hugo's angry and stroppy towards him. luc has always been a loving and attentive father with hugo and this is perhaps the hardest aspect of this situation - i can handle the personal rejection, but it's the rejection i feel towards hugo and 'us' as a family that upsets me the most. luc rarely plays with hugo. he has a short attention span and is eager to 'put on a show' to pass the time. he doesn't react well when hugo is upset or angry - he yells back, threatens time out and doesn't take suggestion from me lightly in this area. the time he spends at home dimishes by the day. 'home' is now a place for him to simply sleep, shower, occassionally surf the internet, collect his things and go. he's rude whenever i try to talk to him. i try not to let this bother me, but know that i'm a decent person and have done nothing towards him to make him consistently behave such a horrid asshole.

i read an article today that said that hugo will be grieving, just as i am and that deeply hurts me. despite the good and bad days, i feel such a heavy and overwhelming loss and the fact that my innocent and beautiful boy is experiencing this too upsets me to no end. i wish i could bear the pain for him.

after researching and working out my finances i simply cannot afford to move out right now. we still have five months left on our lease and i'll need this time to figure out whether i can continue with my company or will need to give it up for a full time job. as much as i really want to, i don't think it would be wise, in the long term, to just up and leave right now.

and i think i can really focus on this now that we have a new au-pair too. luc encouraged me to get another one (to justify him not being around and to support his decision to go away for a few weeks) and i think i hit the jackpot this time. she's only three years younger than me so she's more like a housemate than a teenage daughter. the difference is amazing. she's just been an au-pair in the US for two children so she's sooooo good with hugo. we have similar interests and i'm looking forward to focusing more on moving forward. luc wasn't around a lot when our last au-pair was here, but hugo didn't feel the brunt of it as much as there was always someone else here. i'm hoping that this new au-pair will help him feel more grounded. hugo's taken to her really well so far.

i haven't told her that luc and i are separated as the situation is still so tender and i don't want her to feel like she's caught in the middle of it. i think it will also help to create some solid boundaries, which i think are needed. they're forcing luc to behave less like a brat as he doesn't like to loose face. i do want to explain hugo's behaviour though, so i think i'll tell her that he hasn't been reacting well to luc's absence lately at leave it as that.

soooo, i'm reading that i should encourage activities that help hugo express his emotions. painting and physical activities are good. so is time with harry as he's the same sex as luc. i should maintain our routine and allow for a bit of babying, but must set clear limits and boundaries and not over compensate by allowing things i normally wouldn't. i also plan to track down some books that will emphasise how much we love him and will always be there for him, despite the changes (as there will be more to come).

i also plan on also organising a coffee catchup with luc (outside of our home environment) where i can talk to him about all of this. i don't know what's going on in his head, but I need to at least tell him of the effects of his actions - from one parent to another.

i'm open to any other tips or advice....

In such a situation, the child will regress temporarily (need to be fed like a baby, clingy, etc). That will even happen with the arrival of a new baby, a move of household, and similar events. Unfortunately, Hugo will just have to work through his feelings, but with you there to guide him, he should be ok. Harry is your brother? That's good that Hugo has someone to look up to and give him some time.

Glad to hear you got another au pair. That should help you so you can get some things done.

It's winter there, isn't it? It's not as if you can get out in the warm sunshine. Come to Florida. It's getting to be summer here.

Love you, Junebee

I've never been in your situation, but it sure sounds like you are thinking clearly when it comes to Hugo's emotional side. Keep that up, and don't overcompensate for his absent father. Others in his life can make up for a man who wasn't really there in the first place. Children know real love and if he finds it with you, with your male friends/uncles, with your new au pair, etc...he will be fine.
I'm just sorry your heart is broken. :(

I'm just catching up now with weeks of blog reading. Wow, you've got a lot going on. No advice from me, but I'm sending some good energy your way. Hugs ....

Most of the literature suggests that children in this age range are fairly resilient and will adjust to new dynamics. That isn’t to say that Hugo will have an easy time of it, but he will likely be OK. What I have read stresses the importance of routines and rituals in easing the adjustment.

I hope you are hanging in there.

I've not been in your situation, but I think it is wonderful that you are very sensitive to how this may be affecting him. I would imagine keeping a routine and staying occupied is a good thing (both for Hugo and for yourself). And that any time that Luc spends with Hugo should be pleasant (although that's more Luc's job than yours), so that Hugo will have a good association with his father.

One of the lurkers coming out of the shadows to comment. Its been awhile since I've read your blog, and so much has gone on. Hopefully the new aupair is a sign of good things to come your way.

Just checking in. Hope you're doing ok.