The Contingency Plan

I know there will be good days and unpleasant ones, but yesterday I felt positive and didn't cry and I think it was quite a breakthrough after months of misery.

The sadness is still there, but quieter now. I'm spending lots of my mental energy building up strength, praying and reminding myself of all the positives, like:

* I can re-build my life as I want, on my terms;

* I can be rid of Luc's bad financial decision-making and his weak social skills;

* I don't have to sit around every night watching tv. It's his favourite thing to do, he used to guilt me into sitting there as our "time together to relax", which was ok, but I like to be active and found myself still watching it every night, even when he wasn't around. Now I play with Hugo before his bedtime, we listen to music, read or draw, and if he's asleep then I call friends or catch up on bits of housework, read or write and reflect. It's refreshing;

* I don't want to hold onto his thoughts about me as my own - I know that I'm still attractive but think that I'm more than that too. You wouldn't go for me if you just wanted someone pretty to look at, I'm far too fiesty, knowledge and inspiration hungry and cheeky for that and have always wanted more for myself than that too. I don't want to forget this within all his rejection;

* I'm hopeful that I'll find someone else. I don't want another relationship any time soon, but I'm looking forward to being with someone who I'm a little more compatible with. This experience has made me realise that I do want to get married, have a big family (whether biologically or through adoption) and that although I want to be really successful, I don't want to focus purely on materialistic things. There needs to be a spiritual connection too, which I feel my union with Luc has lacked; and

* I've had Hugo at a young age (25), so there's time for me to find someone and still have more children. Chloe has friends that went through what I am at 38 or 40 and they couldn't have any more babies by the time they found another partner. I hope this won't be the case for me, whatever age I am.

I always fear that I'm sounding corny, but I am clutching onto any good news I receive and am keeping even the small stuff top of mind. If a campaign for work is moving along successfully, then I remind myself of that success everyday, for days. If Hugo eats a good dinner then I am thankful, if I remember to move my car in a parking zone and avoid a fine, then I'm ecstatic. When a friend (Drew) buys me the most beautiful looking poppies I've ever seen, then that keeps me uplifted. If Hugo plays quietly, giving me extra time to make some work calls, then my day is made.

After months of sitting here on the couch, crying and wondering whether Luc will be coming home and being heartbroken over of his words and actions, I'm ready to rebuild my confidence and my hopes on new ones.

I'm ready to be happy.

What a beautiful post. Yes, remind yourself of the little things in life that make you smile-- flowers, quiet time, a great movie or song. There is so much to appreciate. See this as an opportunity to grow into the woman you want to be. From what I gather, you're still young and there is time. There's good people out there! :)

Excellent! I'm happy you're ready to be happy. Sounds as though this could end with you in a much better place in your life.

yay, a happy day. i'm glad to hear all the positives. hang in there.

You are certainly doing the right thing by focusing on the positives, no matter how small or large. I admire your courage to pick yourself up and go on. It can't be east, but then a 1000-mile journey begins with one step. If you haven't already done so, I would have Luc get all his stuff out of the house ASAP. The sooner the better. Luc is no longer worth any of your efforts, emotional or otherwise.

And if you can't work out custody and child support arrangements with him, go to a lawyer (barrister, soliciter, whatever they're called in Australia).

"east", s/b "easy"

Oops.

Just to reiterate what everyone else is saying, I am happy to hear you focusing on the positives and picking up the pieces, and turning this into an opportunity for lifelong happiness with someone who is more compatible... you deserve it! I think it is incredibly admirable. You don't sound corny in the least.

Good for you. Coming out the other side of sadness is tough, but you have very realistic goals and expectations. :)