The Contingency Plan

It only took a month and here I am again.

To be honest, I've been quite happy away from this blog. Things were shiny and clean and I started writing more frequently on another blog I've had for a couple years for family and friends. I liked what I was writing and I was getting great feedback from fam around the globe.

I have no idea whether people still read or check this blog. Nevertheless, I hope this can be a safe place where I can air my thoughts and get the response and advice of some well-wishing readers.

Sooooooo, for the past month or so, Luc has been really distant. He's been distant for longer than this, I guess to the point where I can't remember when we were last really close. But now he's never home, he work backs late every night, gets home on average, at around 9-10pm, then stays on his computer playing video games, chatting with friends or doing "more work". He doesn't want to talk, there's absolutely no physical interaction (no hugs, kisses, brushing of hands over limbs or even holding of hands) and whenever I've raised the subject of distance, he's defensive, accuses me of being too sensitive or having too many issues and I then succumb, feeling needy and pathetic. He's not here when I wake up and he goes to bed after I do or takes Hugo to bed and leaves me awake, alone at night. I've been lonely and miss my partner.

To make matters worse, we haven't been able to find another au-pair. It's winter here and this time of year tends to clash with the graduation schedules in places throughout Europe so we're up against at least another three great families for every single au-pair that comes through. We've even trialed one who absolutely wasted a week of my time before deciding that the job wasn't for her (insulting me on the way out, which was hurtful and unnecessary). So on top of running a growing agency of four staff with a eight month pregnant business partner, I'm doing absolutely all the housework, groceries, bills, laundry and looking after Hugo full time. I'm not really coping. Luc does nothing.

So I've managed to arrange an agreement with my brother, who comes over two days a week to look after Hugo. This at least gives me time to get some proper work done. I'm just managing to keep everything in control. Day cares centres around here have a six month waiting list. Pre-schools are even worse. I'm totally stuck.

So last week we were into week four without an au-pair and I was close to burn out. Luc still wasn't around so before he left for work I said that I couldn't do this anymore and asked if we could chat about our relationship as it just isn't working. We've been doing the same thing for nearly a year now - a few good months then a really bad week where everything nearly falls apart and then it's back to normal again. And I'm stupid and soft and give in to his occassional niceties, clinging onto hope, confusion consistently lingering.

I was later at Chloe's house (as Harry was looking after Hugo) and Luc came online and told me OVER MESSENGER that he'd like to go away alone for a few weeks to work out whether he still wants to be in our relationship. He was stressed with work and needed to wait until his current project ends, but for the first time admitted things aren't right. He wasn't sure if he could give me the friendship, love and partnership I need and needed to get away from everything to clear his mind and figure things out.

It was at this point that I fell apart. I bawled to Chloe. Went home and drank some wine and was distraught that after seven years, he would tell me this over MSN.

Fast forward to the weekend and he was being totally passive agressive. He made plans with me (optional plans with friends) that he cancelled at the last minute, leaving me in the lurch... twice. He couldn't be bothered to leave on time to pick me up from dance class (after offering to drive me in) and left me outside in the cold for an hour and I'm subsequently fighting off a cold. He later needed to go and work from the office, but when I called to see if he could pick up some milk, he was having coffee with friends. I've asked if he's having an affair and he flat-out right denies it, even though this is classic affair behaviour.

So yesterday I said we were over. We then had an honest conversation where he said that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore, isn't attracted to me anymore and thinks that he's been this way for years - even before Hugo was born, doesn't want to marry me, but isn't sure. Which is why he still needs to go away. Because even though he says all of this, he still cares for me and things could work out - he just isn't sure. He then told me to 'put my attitude in check' when I felt mad and disappointed.

Today he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have more children. Later he asked what was for dinner and wanted a positive house environment as the current one is bringing him down.

I am so confused. There are further details I've either forgotten or can't be bothered sharing in this makeshift summary of events. But, one thing I have determined is that I've been unhappy and need to decide what I'm going to do as well. I feel I deserve more than this and unsure whether I should wait the six weeks Luc wants to decide whether he still wants 'in' on this relationship.

My gut is usually strong and my intiution keen, but am confused. At times I feel I should wait it out and give this every chance that I can as it surely deserves it, but then I get so mad and wonder whether he can give me what I need, which I don't feel is a lot.

I managed to sleep last night by picturing myself in a happy relationship - lying in bed and cuddling, sharing good conversations, laughing, cooking together - the man didn't have a face and it worked, except that my visions were consistently muddled with black and white shots of Luc and I getting married. Candid shots of family and of the life we have built together over the past seven years.

The only way I'm getting through this is to think that if Luc and I separate, then it's a chance for me to re-build my life as I want it. And if we get back together, then we'll be stronger.

Anyone know a good psychic?

Hello Kazumi,
Hope things will get better either way. Sometimes a short term separation does a lot for a relationship. I've seen it work for me.

Delurking on your blog, which I discovered through Junebee...

Time apart can be helpful. It gives you breathing space and perspective and it will probably help with communication between the two of you. You can then decide whether you want to rebuild your life (it's never too late) or recommit to the relationship.

I believe that things will always work out in the end, although the process is sometimes painful...

Thanks Peter and Chanchow. I think you're both right.

Peter, it's good to hear that it worked out for you and Chanchow, I also agree that things will work out in the end, either way.

I have no idea when Luc's going so I'm planning to take Hugo away for a weekend - could work in the meantime...

"'put my attitude in check' when I felt mad and disappointed."

WTF? You're supposed to check YOUR attitude when he's the one always so elusive and avoiding any sort of serious discussion? That certainly should not fly.

My nanny has varied hours since she is a student. Although I agreed to it at the beginning of her employment, I am finding out that I have too much time with kids right now and am not getting anything done. Then to top it off, Nanny A. came back and probably would take this job back in a heartbeat but that comes with it's own complications (live-in person, she has high blood pressure, etc).

You may want to consider doing what I did, which is to hire a teenager for a couple of hours a week. At least here in the states, 13 and 14-year olds are eager to earn money but are to too young to work legally. Even if you hire a girl and she watches Hugo in your home for a couple of hours a week, you could clean, organize, or do other things in the house. If she's responsible enough, she could take Hugo for a walk, to the park, etc.

Yeah, I still checked this blog, and each time I said to myself, I really need to delete this one from Favorites. Ha ha, I am so glad I procrastinated on that.