The Contingency Plan

there are certain things one must do when alone at home with a child. i've been going insane. the loneliness and expectation unbearable.

don't get me wrong. i'm totally ok to be by myself but this is different. the average time for luc to come home this week has been midnight and i find myself anticipating every sound near the door, jumping at every phone call, text message or email, thinking that it may be him.

but it rarely is.

we reached a new low today after he called to argue as he didn't have enough money to buy a new suit (a new hugo boss suit, outright). the money wasn't there because i paid our bills and rent, and not because of anything extravagent for myself. our discussion was long and bitter and even though i'm fairly cool now, there are two things about the conversation that can instantly boil my blood:

1. he just has to wait only one week until he can buy the suit

2. he challenged me to go out and make as much money as he does (the context being that i can't - not that i believe it)

i've tried to stay open to a reconciliation but admit that as each day passes, so does my patience. yesterday he actually told me that i had 'let go of my game lately'. when i asked him to expand on exactly how i had done that, he couldn't elaborate. during the first few years of our relationship we couldn't even say 'shut up' to each other. name calling or swearing was unheard of. it hurts to see how these boundaries have been worn down to nothing.

i've told my family and my really close friends about the situation. it's been liberating to finally admit what's really going on (i think that's what has changed the most since last writing here - those around me actually know what's going on).

chloe and i have already discussed business changes to accommodate my new life. my brother and sister and thinking of moving in with me for support. mum might join us next year.

i'm trying not to close the door but it's hard when he's not making any effort.

I'm glad your bro and sis are thinking of moving in. Family helps tremendously in a situation such as this.

I'm truly sorry. It sounds like you're doing all you can, and you should get kudos for that!

Sorry to hear things are getting worse :(

However, you have your family and Chloe for support, and that's great.

opening up to family and friends and realizing that you have a lot of love and support make a big difference. the people who care about you will want to see you succeed and be happy.

Thank you for telling me you're blogging here again! I recently lost all my RSS things and didn't re-add this blog on since I thought you were finished.

I'm so sorry to hear things are going so badly for you and Luc. You are one of three of my friends now who are having major issues with their relationships. Forgive me for being blunt, but Luc is really being an ass. I think the very least you should do is try some time apart and frankly if he can't see what a catch you are and is taking that for granted? He does not even deserve the chance that gives him!

I'm really happy you have such great support in your brother and sister. Sounds like you've got a great contingency plan to me. ;)

Keep your chin up and feel free to email me any time. I was going to put all this in an email, but I've lost yours (they went along with the RSS stuff as well as all our bookmarks).

Glad to see you blogging again.

I'm sorry that things are going poorly. It sounds like you are rallying your troops and I think that is a good thing. I hope you are in a better place soon-whether you and L are together or apart.

Thanks Everyone for such great support. You're all right, my family have been amazing! Thank God I have them!