The Contingency Plan

I think the Gods, on a whole, are being quite kind to me. I would have suffered a horrendous breakdown if I had to experience all that I have within a shorter time frame.

There are a lot of little stories I'm saving to share with you all. I have dreams where Luc reads this blog though so I'm still hesitant to write.

Last week was possibly one of the worst I've had to date. It involved some soul destroying images, a debilitating flu and loosing my biggest client.

This week is looking much better. I'm feeling stronger. I've realised that I'm used to making social plans without Luc. Saying that I'm single is becoming easier. I'm learning faith and am trusting my intutition a lot more. And my emotions are settling so I can focus on other things, like running a home and a business.

I'm generally ok, but am still wary of how easy it is for my spirits to be crushed. I'm still coming to terms with my hopes and plans being so cruelly dashed. It deeply disturbs me how I've repeated my mother's history of being with someone who can so easily lead a deceitful double life.

And I hate how I miss Luc. I miss the affection, the security I've felt for the last seven years. I miss building something wonderful with someone kind, loving and considerate. I miss laughing with him. I miss our potential and keep wondering who it was I knew.

I have flash-backs to things Luc has said to me over the years... How he's incapable of cheating, how he'd rather leave me than cheat, how building a family with me is the most important thing to him and how leaving a legacy for our kids and their kids to enjoy, even if we don't get to, would be his greatest achievement.

Have I been so easy to manipulate?

I've decided that there aren't "types" of people who are more prone to certain behaviours over others. We are all capable of doing horrendous things, it's whether we make the choice and allow ourselves the freedom.

My lawyer called me today on a personal note to see if I'm doing ok. He was worried about me and called just to say hello and to see how I am. I can't remember the last time a man (friend or otherwise) called me to see if I'm ok. I was touched but felt pathetic and oh so vulnerable.

This too shall pass.

Good to hear from you. It won't be easy but I know you can do it. How's Hugo?

I am glad you are feeling a little stronger this week. I suspect you are going to have plenty of ups and downs, but you'll make it through this. Hang in there.

Thanks everyone.

Hugo's going really well. Our current au-pair is the most divine creature on earth and Hugo just adores her. Luc tries to spend more time with him now too, which always helps. Our time with Hugo is already spent individually, sometimes I already feel like we have a custody arrangement. I'm hoping Hugo gets used to it so it won't be as strange when we all live apart.