The Contingency Plan

I've thought about updating this blog often but seem to work better on a personal level and prefer writing letters to close friends. The other half of the issue is that I'm well and truly tired of talking and thinking about my relationship with Luc.

*Sigh*

After a number of bitter conversations, stress about Hugo and a near break down from yours truly, I organised for Luc and I to have dinner to amicably discuss our situation. This was around two weeks ago. Amazingly we were able to do this and decide the following:

* We would stay separated until the end of our lease in December. This will give him adequate time to think about what he wants (me - yes or no), I'll do the same and try to financial sort myself out and we'll both be around for Hugo

* Hugo comes first so we're going to try and be friends during this period so our home doesn't suck ass for everyone here

* He doesn't have to avoid home as it really has an adverse affect on Hugo

* He'll financially support us all until we decide to move

During dinner he commented about how clear I am in my thinking. I guess that's one of the hardest thing about this situation; I've always been like this, he's the one on the emotional rollercoaster.

Anyway, I'm surprised to report that we've been able to stick to all of these agreements. There's absolutely no affection or romance between us, but we've actually been nice to each other for the past two weeks. Our new aupair (who is truly amazing) doesn't even know that we're apart (I prefer this as it's none of her business and maintains a civil boundary at home). Sometimes we even joke about our situation. I'm not sure how healthy this is, it seems to work for now.

So all this sounds like roses, doesn't it? I have to admit that I'm working really hard to try and maintain this. I'm still broken hearted, still angry and disappointed, at times really depressed but I've decided to move on and try to do what's best for all of us. I'm slowly getting used to time alone and organising social stuff without him. It means more dance classes (I need them for the outlet). More time for work, for myself. I've started shaving my legs again. I take my time when putting on make up. I do my nails. I can't get enough of Amy Winehouse. I don't baby him. I laugh more. I feel less guilt.

He goes away tomorrow morning for at least two weeks for work. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Wow, that's really progressive on both of your parts. Hopefully the new arrangement will lessen the hurt for Hugo. Definitely keep up the dance classes. You are so right, you need that outlet.

That's good news. What kind of dance classes are you taking?

Thanks Junebee and Chanchow.

This break up is doing wonders for my figure. I'm often too upset to eat and need lots of physical activity for the release of pent-up emotions. I've lost over 5kgs (11 pounds) since all of this started two months ago!

And Chanchow, I take Hip Hop and R&B classes at two different studios: Dancekool and the Sydney Dance Company.

I think Hugo is lucky that his parents are being so civil. It is really saying something that your aupair doesn't know. I hope things get easier for you.

That sounds like great fun! I've never taken dance class, other than once in college (I dropped it after one class-- too embarassing). Maybe it's time I try again.

are you well? thought of you this weekend as i had four aussies staying with me. friends from my trip to africa. how's life?

Kazumi, I had no idea you were going through this--don't know how I could have missed it (I remember checking your blog and you had decided to stop blogging . . .); I am so sorry for your loss and so hopeful for your future.

I can only hope that you take lots and lots of time to heal, lots and lots of time for you and Hugo--years even. Yes, years. I once felt like you describe in this post, only to find myself in another relationship within 24 months, pregnant with twins within 4 years; now, 13 years later, 11 years into a marriage, 8 years into 3 children and career, I often, if not daily wonder all the "what ifs" . . .

perhaps there are simply too many choices?

SQ