The Contingency Plan

It's 11pm and I'm just recently home from my first dance performance in, oh, around seven years. The last two weeks have been consumed with dance classes and rehearsals. They have been a relief, channelling my anger and hurt, but now my body is exhausted. And even though the event was a success, sadness and a low vibrating depression billow through and around me.

I feel lost.

I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm making lots of new friends, but most of them are single and I don't feel like I belong in that category. I don't like spending time with Luc yet time apart is also hard. I can't bear to talk about my situation yet don't know what else to converse about (outside light and superficial speak). I don't know where I should look to live - near the city, friends and work or near my supportive, busy and rather unreliable family. I don't know whether I should continue with my business or find a job. I can't see myself in another relationship but desperately want someone to love me and hold me and prefer my company.

I want to be alone. I'm so tired. And I think I've discovered another person Luc's involved with, besides me and the other.

another woman? well, that's just some bullshit. but at least now, you can take heart knowing that he's just being a jerk all around.

i finally finished eat pray love. i learned a lot from it--so much of what i'm feeling was in there. (and so much of what you've said here too.) if you want the book, i'll send it to you.

i'm still trying to figure out my next literal move too. city. suburbs. away from family. away from everyone. or near them. i've exhausted myself with it all. i'm headed towards a vegetative state.

april

Yes, another woman. I feel such disgust towards him. There's so much anger, including anger towards myself. How could I have not known for all of these years? Am I that much of a fool?

I'll look for Eat Pray Love this week and will let you know if I can't find it.

You ok??

It will take awhile to sort everything out. You'll find your niche, I'm certain of it.

Anticlimatical, isn't it?

How do people get beyond that feeling?

Junebee: Thanks for the vote of support. I think life will be really shitty for about a year and I'm hoping to settle in and find my groove after that. I'm not sure if this is realistic

SQ: Yes, you're right, it's totally anticlimatic. I have no idea how people get beyond this.