The Contingency Plan

Life has fallen into quite an easy pattern since my separation with Luc. Things are pretty predictable during the week: Hugo stays with me and Luc visits around three times a week after work to see him (which allows me to go out for dinner or to a dance class). The weekends however, are different.

Luc has Hugo one weekend and I have him the next so my weekend with Hugo is filled with playing, parks, cooking, cleaning, general organisation and catching up on work. The free weekend is packed with dance classes, nights out and basically as much socialising and escapism as I can pack in.

I was happily anticipating this weekend. Hugo met me in the city after work on Friday night and we had an adventure through the city, which ended in Chinatown eating dumplings and soy bean soup (Hugo's favourite), followed by these fresh, hot custard pastry balls called "emperor puffs". We then came home, Hugo watched a movie and I had a fun three hour conversation with the lawyer, which ended at 1am. I was feeling confident and quite content.

But just when I thought I was ok... I woke up yesterday already sobbing after a nightmare where I had confronted Luc about his affairs. I was slapping him with this belt like apparatus and he silently took it, his face at times warping into that of my father's. I was really sobbing in the dream and feeling such an extreme rage.

It hurt to wake, already physically weeping so heavily. I was so disappointed and Hugo and I both got out of bed feeling groggy and frustrated. Hugo was quite whingy and fussy for the rest of the day and I was plain depressed. I tried but couldn't lift myself out of my funk, so instead I wrote, really subconsciously, trying to release whatever I was thinking of.

And then I wrote it. I still love Luc. I miss him. I'm devastated. Totally heartbroken.

I looked through the earlier pages of my journal and suddenly understood why. How could I forget? Pages and pages of detailed plans for our wedding, locations both here and in Canada we both liked, dress shapes, people to invite... then there were floor plans for the two houses we made an offer for, plus a list of things we would improve in each place, how excited we were... names we both liked for the child we had planned to start trying for around now.

And so I've accepted that I'm in some kind of mourning, and since accepting this, the thought of someone else is totally repulsive.

We've been officially separated for three months now. I guess I can't expect to already be over it so soon.

Oh dear, it can't be easy. :( It will take alot of time, but look back at previous posts, you're heading in the right direction.