The Contingency Plan

Who knows whether anyone reads this blog anymore. I'm not too sure if it matters. At times I feel the need to get my feelings out there, but then there are moments when I'm protective, wanting to relish my experiences privately.

My heart feels full today. I've started dating again and have been quite a busy gal - three different dates with three different men in two weeks. Each guys is interesting, funny and easy to be around but I've felt chemistry with only one of them, and even then, it terrifies me. There are some good stories in the meantime!

The good guy is such a nice guy too. Thirty-six years old (and the third 36 year old I've dated this year), a lawyer, plays guitar in two bands, is going on an adventure trip throughout Asia for three weeks, volunteers, lives in the city and we never seem to run out of conversation.

I find his company so natural and enjoyable but sometimes I worry about our ages, even though eight years isn't a lot. I'm certainly not ready to settle down and think he's planning on doing exactly that. Sometimes I consider chatting to him about this, but it seems too soon as our relationship is so relaxed.

Luc has been really good to us lately, which doesn't help. He knows that I'm dating and jokes about bringing over a poison-tipped umbrella.

Dating has raised so many feelings. I thought I was well and truly over Luc but meeting new people has made me realise how much I still miss him and then there's the overwhelming sense of loss I feel regarding the family we had, the security and worst of all, the hopes. I feel immense grief in the fact that our beautiful son won't have a close sibling.

This still drives me to tears. And it makes me question whether I'm actually ready to meet someone new. Sometimes I feel I'm doing it to feel something different, something new and for the impression that I'm progressing.

But moving on is hard. I find the guys I'm attracted to are shamelessly intimidated by my life. Guys under and around 30 years old are super keen until they realise I have a child, a nanny and my own business. It frustrates me. Yet, I don't want to feel like I'm selling myself short by dating someone older who I'm not as attracted to - even though I do seem to bond more with the older guys (beyond the physical). I'm so confused.

Of course there is no hurry in all of this. I do realise that.