The Contingency Plan

sometimes it's overwhelming to sit in my house.

alone.

i think of the woman. the one on the other side of the bridge. blonde and with an irish accent. bathing my child and holding the man that i loved for so long and the void i feel drowns any sense of achievement i may have experienced that day.

they went away together over new years. thailand. seven days and luc didn't even inform me of the trip. i figured out after the fourth day of worried, unreturned phone calls. i started my new job two days after they left and he was supposed to look after our son.

thank god for my mother.

he never once took me on holiday. seven years. and still owes me two months of child support, despite the four new guitars, holiday and brand new digital camera. i had to meet with my lawyer today to discuss next steps and could barely discuss the details.

he still denies a serious relationship between him and the blonde. no, they don't live together despite her underwear in the laundry and mail on the floor. he still loves me, even though he's tried to blackmail me for custody of our child.

there are so many little stories, comments and arguments that jar my senses. i've taken up smoking. not whole cigarettes, just halves or quarters at a time.

during the day no one knows the wiser. but i long for the loneliness now, for when i take off my heels and unravel.

Please take care of yourself. Hugo needs you.

Luc always just seems to tell you whatever may keep you on the hook. Don't let him do that to you - you are worth more than that.

Luc is gone; he's morphed into some strange fleshy-thing and beyond any intimacy you've ever had with him.

The person you knew is dead.

So, yes, mourn, and mourn deeply, but do not envy the blonde b/c she too will be alone soon and any thailand memories will simply be a source of pain.

mourn that this new thing in your life will, indeed, continue to have an impact on your life for the next several years, as well as your son's, but you will grow.

meanwhile, wear your heels with any dealings regarding this shell you once knew as L--never be anything more than professional, never consider anything outside of your and Hugo's feelings.

and one day, you may have thialand memories of your own that are true and unfading . . .

xoxo

Did he take Hugo to Thailand without your permission? If he did, isn't that kidnapping?? I think it would be in the U.S.

What a moron. I hope one day he gets what's coming to him. Paybacks are heck.

Junebee

angela marie - you're right, sometimes i forget this. he loves to have contingencies.

squirrleymojo - i've read your note a million times. i think i've lost hope for my future. baby steps.

junebee - he didn't take hugo, thankfully left him here with me. i really wonder whether karma will get him. part of me still feels sorry for him at times.

reclaim yourself; you were a full person before L and you can be again

b.t.w. i'm putting on a bold face and trying to encourage you -- not sound hollow or self-righteous (like my comment is striking me tonight!)--you have shared so many memories and high points with us, i just think you need reminded that you were "whole" before L . . .