The Contingency Plan

Monday, February 04, 2008

I think I'm getting used to this. I came online today to waste a little time before bed and was inspired by what Squirrley wrote.

Reclaim yourself. 

I guess I've been doing that over the past few days in my own little way (sure it was after a week of absolute lower-than-ever depression, but still). 

Work is a challenge. Being in a BIG agency again, full time, after having my own little business with Chloe (who is so easy to work with), is hard. I still miss seeing Hugo during the day. The pressure and work load is enormous. And upholding a belief in my abilities can be a challenge in such an opinionated space. 

So in the midst of everything I've started a journal. It's a beautiful object. A4 sized, gorgeous black leather and soft paper. I enjoy expressing myself in it. And while writing yesterday, I was inspired to visually express how I feel. I went through some pictures sitting on my side table and found one of Luc. It was taken when Hugo was around three days old. L looks so proud and happy. So I stuck it in my journal and wrote about how I felt. The picture reminded me of the things I miss about Luc and our little family, and sure I had a bit of a cry, but after a short while I struggled to find more positives. And suddenly I realised that I'm not a victim in all of this. I could have Luc back if I wanted to. 

But I don't. 

I don't want to gloss over anything in my life as what Luc did to me and our family after seven years is so shit, but I feel my life is in a hard but good place. I have a healthy and happy son, live in a wonderful house, friendships with my friends and family have strengthened, my networks are happily expanding, I'm presented with some of the best industry experience and training at work, I'm regularly dancing again and have lost around 20kgs since last year and although life is most definitely hard, I feel that I'm slowly getting there.

Reactively reclaiming bits a day at a time. 

posted by kazumi at 11:00 pm | link | 2 comments