The Contingency Plan

Isn't this a recurrent theme with this blog - not knowing where to start, feeling like so much has changed yet unable to succinctly express the personal significance of it all?

The past few weeks have been momentus. I guided two major launches to great success at work, possibly two of the biggest projects in the industry and did myself (and the company) proud. I can't say too much about the campaigns without giving them away, but they were defining moments that seemed to reshape how I see myself. People at work certainly see me differently. I'm suddenly consulted on a wide range of issues have broadened my speciality to a whole new arena. I'm so damn proud of myself and these achievements make me really marketable now, not just locally but internationally too, and there's already talk of a promotion. It's exciting stuff, even though I'm still exhausted!

So much of my existence has focused around work lately. Sunday was my first day off in three weeks and I spent the day lounging in the yard with Wolf. He's suddenly changed and acquired a new maturity. I find myself staring at him for long periods of time, re-familiarising myself with him and his new mannerisms, expressions and words. I don't like it, but have accepted this is our new life. Sometimes I find it hard to consistently re-adjust - from senior management at work, to a single gal on the town, to a mother who relishes time with her son and simple things like bathtime, stories and bedtime.

In fact, I think this consistent re-shuffling is becoming a bit much. There are people who I work with and go out with, who have no idea I'm a mother. I'm in no way ashamed of motherhood, it's quite the opposite, I keep certain things personal to quietly relish. I still struggle with the excess space in my life/heart when Hugo isn't around and putting myself out there, especially to acquaintances, is too much.

Perhaps very connected to this, is a recent decision (ok, tonight) to quit dating. I know I've made mention to this in the past, but this is official. I went on a blind date tonight, my first official date since my disastrous dating bonanza of last year and wow, I'm really not ready for this. I absolutely freaked out beforehand but kept my word and was determined to be a gracious date. The guy was such a gentleman. We had drinks and after our third beverage, I let out my realisation and although he was disappointed, we continued to have a good night, went for dinner afterwards, I drove him home and it was all absolutely pleasant.

So, I'm enforcing a boy-ban for the next three months. During this time, I will not court any male attention. I will not actively look for a date or a boyfriend or a casual fling. I fear I lack the disposition to make wise decisions and the fact that Jack may possibly be back in my world is solid proof of this. We were suppose to catch up last week (I cancelled) and then this week (he had to fly to London for work) and the point that I fear and wholy anticipate the repercussions of our meeting, given what he did to me all those years ago, is really quite sadistic... I don't even know if he's still single... If I were to be painfully honest, I'm looking great and feeling confident (but certainly not cocky) these days and was an overweight, hormonal mess the last time he saw me (sure, I'd just given birth, but still!). Jack always wanted to explain what happened between us and never did and perhaps I'm very niavely wanting to claw back something.

Three months will take me to just over a year since Luc and I separated.