The Contingency Plan

I did something that I've never done before today: read all of my blog entries since my separation with Luc.

And wow, you guys are really, truly amazing. Junebee, SquirrleyMojo, Bente, Chanchow, Angela Marie, j(oe), D and April - your support has sustained me. Thank you. There's so much wisdom and encouragement in your words. I feel grateful.

To be honest, I didn't plan on reading everything. I merely wanted to check the date that Luc and I had separated, but got hooked.

And I wanted to check the date because I discovered Luc's expecting a baby with his girlfriend.

Yes. She's due in September.

And true to form, I had to tease out the news myself.

I dropped young Wolf at his house this Tuesday morning before driving to work and saw two ultrasound photos next to his television. I picked them up and asked, "are you and K having a baby together?" and he flatly said, "no".

I pointed to the top of the ultrasound photo and said, "this is her name at the top of this photo so I think that you are" and his reply was an infuriating, "well what do you want me to say?"

My intuition had told me this months ago when Wolf had come home talking of having a brother or sister and wanting me to put his toy baby in my belly. I asked Luc back then whether K was pregnant and he denied it. Still such a liar.

So, returning to Tuesday morning, I asked him whether the baby was planned and he said that it wasn't. And the look on his face reminded me how he treated me during my own pregnancy. I normally wouldn't wish that upon anyone else but I guess this situation is a little different. He said he was still in shock.

I congratulated him, said a younger sibling would be good for Hugo and quickly left, thankful for the 30 mins of traffic dividing me from work for quiet contemplation.

And speaking of shock, the news of this has really unsettled me. It hasn't even been a year. She was pregnant only four months after Luc and I officially separated.

I asked him if he had told his mother (I knew he hadn't) and he was silent. He called her that night. The poor woman wrote to me the next day echoing the thoughts of everyone else - let's hope this isn't a repeating pattern. She's terribly upset.

And the real beauty of this fucked up situation is that K and I meant to meet up a few weeks ago. I was tired of not knowing who was spending so much time with my son and called her. I explained that I'm not interested in her personal life with Luc but think we should have a basic relationship as we both look after Hugo. She agreed and said it made sense as she did live there (this was the first time this had actually been confirmed). She was eager to see me and we arranged to have a coffee later that week. She subsequently cancelled and I haven't heard from her since.

Imagine if I had turned up for coffee to meet her as initially planned and saw her pregnant state! Surely someone is looking out for me!

And although I hold such mixed emotions, the consistent thought in mind is 'thank God it's her and not me'.

Aw, shucks. Glad I could help. (Even though my commenting has been slack lately.) And can I just say that the last line of this post is fantastic to hear. I'm really happy that after all you've been through you're at this point within yourself.

Oh, and BTW - I kind of hate Luc. Hope that's ok with you.

happy to have been able to put in my two cents. i agree with bente on your last line. not you, and that's good!

sadly, it sounds like luc is still not ready to step up. even with a child on the way. it must be exhausting having a conversation with him because you can't take what he says at face value!

This guy cannot possibly get any lower. It never ceases to amaze me.
Sheesh.

That was very cool of you to want to meet K. Not only does it show your concern for Hugo (which is never in doubt) but it shows you are mature enough to put Luc behind and concentrate on the reality of things.

I bet Luc discouraged her from the meeting, fearing he'd be the main topic of conversation. Har har!

Junebee

wow. here's to discovering my mate was/is gay and won't be getting anyone else pregnant! That's one aspect I never delt with.

What a strange creature this Luc is--will he ever be held accountable for his actions?

My guess is yes. When Hugo is about 23, perhaps sooner, he'll match up with his dear pap and call him out, I suspect.

IN the meantime, there ought to be a visible label for such bloaks--

sq

Bente - that's ok with me :)

Chanchow - you're right. it is exhausting because i can't trust a single word he says. i question everything and it's just so frustrating.

Junebee - i have no doubt luc discouraged the meeting with k because he did the same thing four years ago, have i told you guys that story??

SQ - wow, how did you deal with the news? luc's mom definitely tries to keep him accountable. hugo probably will one day too. i admit luc baffles me. and i hate that in the meantime he looks like the romantic single father and i'm the single mother dating leper. grrr...