The Contingency Plan

It's 2.20am and like many nights in the past, I'm seducing sleep with a tall glass of wine. I feel so infantile as I had a great dinner party tonight and have been elated ever since and far too excited to sleep.

I've been courting happiness lately. I brainstorm happiness, track it down in books, songs, movement and comfortable company. It's blatant in the subconscious song of my son, the morning sun riding the surf on my way to work, and sublime in the fleeting fingertips of that sexy French barister or staying in and reading while the wind rages outside.

May has been a month of movement. Definitely not in the physical sense as I've been slack in that department. Instead I've read three books (The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurt, The Master by Colm Toibin and Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert) and have allowed myself time.

I'd really love to say that this internal development has come as a result of something deep and awfully meaningful, but no, it was the result of stupid, stupid actions, which made me dig deeper into my motivations.

So what are these stupid, stupid actions? Without wanting to delve toooo deeply into my stupidity, there was a beautiful man showing interest in me and I blew it. Twice. And at the time I didn't understand why because he's honestly one of the most stunning men I've met and I really enjoy his company too... He actually asked me out on a date (which I contemplated despite the dating ban) - a fun, surprising and quirky date which I thought to be totally delightful - and I managed to screw everything up (before the date) by wanting to define everything as I felt so insecure. Fast track three weeks on and he invited me to meet his family and the inner circle of his friends for his birthday and I managed to miss every. single. sign of interest, too deep in my own feelings of inadequacy and again, missed out. Oh, and I didn't just do that. When he asked me to dance (and he never dances), I saw an old client and left him to catch up with this client. And then 30 mins later, actually mourned the fact that this former client, a very rich and successful creative genius had just asked me out on a date and it was such a shame because I didn't feel a strong attraction (I'm convinced the client is gay and will try to ignore the fact that he thinks that I'm gorgeous, wants to spend time with me and oh, he's also thinking of buying a holiday house in Milan). And yes, maybe, I mentioned those things to him too. And maybe his reply might have been "so if this client so creative, rich and successful then what are you doing here with me?" And yes, maybe I missed that queue as well.

I know. Stupid.

Anyway... so began a few weeks of further contemplation into why I keep screwing this up with this man and why I perpetually feel like crap around him when it seems to be unjustified. And my experience travelled far beyond the terror associated with any long-term relationship. In fact, it went beyond a relationship with someone else to the one I share with myself. I spent nearly every night of the week thinking, reading, crying, writing and sitting. I found that I had wrapped my self esteem around the rejection I felt from Luc. Somewhere, deep inside I fundamentally missed Luc and wasn't willing to see myself with anyone else. I couldn't. I questioned any sense of happiness in my life as it felt too fleeting. I wasn't spending enough time in silence. I wasn't sitting with my feelings, instead wanting to mask them with movement. I revelled in sadness. I was neglecting my spiritual needs. I wasn't being kind to myself.

Now, I realise this is a very condensed version of things, but I feel ok with that. Since most of these thoughts (some of which only occurred at the end of last week), I've started to listen more carefully to my internal dialogue, especially when it's concerning myself. And I'm starting to sincerely feel ok about Luc. And perhaps a little more open to the thought of being with someone else. Even excited. I'm having lunch with the beautiful man again this week before I leave for a work trip and he subsequently takes a long trip overseas. I have a feeling the timing isn't right for us and am ok with that too. Sometimes it's nice to just enjoy his company and the butterflies.

And I can say, for the first time in years, I'm making happiness something worth pursuing.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Kazumi. Actually having a new relationship is a big step and a big deal so you're bound to be nervous and have "stupid actions" happen (though it sounds like this guy is still coming back, so they couldn't have been too bad). It sounds to me like you're doing a pretty damn good job of moving onto this new stage in your life.

Thanks Bente. I had a chat to the lawyer about this guy during the week (as they're actually best friends) and shared candid thoughts about the boy being hesitant because i'm a mum and the lawyer agreed that this is probably the case. So now, I really can't be bothered. I adore my son and am proud of what I've achieved with my life and don't want to be with someone who's short sighted about it all. I guess I'm learning to be more selective about who I share intimate parts of my life with.

damn

sq

yep, damn.