The Contingency Plan

Although most of Sydney is cursing this weather, I'm relishing the rain. I've watched more movies, have enjoyed more time with Wolf and eaten more food than I have in months. I'm bored, but very lazy... hence we watch more movies and cook more food. To my surprise Wolf seems to enjoy it too.

So... I find myself living two very different lives. I know I've delved into this before, but it still messes with my mind.

For instance, in the last half of last week, I had a BIG drinking night with my colleagues until the wee hours of the morn, the next night was an MTV party with various media and socialites where I stayed out partying until 3am, pashed a gorgeous but very gay fashion photographer, then Wolf came over the next day at 2pm and I've spent my time since then being a totally domesticated mother. All signs of the the partying extraordinaire that I was have been superficially banished... for now.

Last weekend was the same. I went down to Melbourne with a friend for work and we totally fell in love with the city. There are so many men down there! We gorged on breath-takingly delicious food and were thoroughly entertained by the bars and clubs. I then returned home late Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with Wolf, playing with trucks, drawing pictures, making dinner, giving him a bath and getting him ready for bed, before dropping him at kindy the next day.

This contrast of life isn't just limited to the weekends either. Weekdays are the same, especially the ones where Wolf spends time with Luc. I usually work back those nights as coming home to a totally empty house is strange. The spaces are big, cold and silent, I eat snacks for dinner and smoke cigarettes, sleep is tricky and harder to achieve. I'm reading a lot more than I used to.

There are many moments when I'm thankful for the difference, but there are many when it feels overwhelming. I miss Hugo so much when he's away. My time can feel pointless without him around, especially when I'm in a bar trying to be picked up by a self-engrossed 22 year old. I try to quickly fill the minutes until Wolf is with me again. I realise these things will take time.

On a different note, to my surprise, nearly all thoughts of the beautiful man I previously discussed have subsided and have been replaced with interest towards an industry contact I saw for the first time in around five years during the week. He's older, funny and I find him fascinating. I definitely get the sense he's interested in me. In a matter totally cliche, our eyes kept meeting at random moments during the night. He kept telling others how stunning he thought I looked, how glad he is to see me, how he loves my really short hair (it's seriously short) and how the industry's missed having me around. Or maybe his interest was clear when he wanted us to leave the party and go to another pub together (we didn't, I still had to look after clients), or when I jokingly asked about what kind of woman he hasn't dated (he's dated every kind from strippers to belly dancers to phD students) and he cheekily replied, "a half asian, half irish mother of a three year old boy". Cheeky.

Anyway, no plans have been made since we saw each other, simply talks of a drink soon so I'll have to keep you posted. And I'll have to keep my own emotions in check to ensure I'm casually getting involved and not aggressively trying to fill time as mentioned above. And to make sure my boundaries are healthy. And my expectations too high. Or too low.

Sigh.

I'm excited though. And the level of excitement I feel exceeds that which I felt when the beautiful man emailed me during the week to ask me how my week has been and when we can catch up next.

Ok. Movie time. I'm hungry.